AN UNPLEASANT MEMORY

You know those triggers that automatically kicks a bad memory into a "relive" moment?

That happened to me on 6/2/06.

There's this stupid song called "The Rodeo Song", and if you don't know it, here's the lyrics...

Well it's 40 below and I don't give a ****
Got a heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know
Piss me off ya fuckin' jerk get on my nerves
Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand
He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left and Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage god damn goof ya know
Piss me off ya fuckin' jerk get on my nerves
Well it's 40 below and I don't give a ****
Got a heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know
Piss me off ya fuckin' jerk get on my nerves
Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand
He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know
Piss me off fuckin' jerk get on my nerves


There it is...the last time I heard that song I was 12

My step-dad was drunk and my mom was pregnant with my sister. He smashed her head into the windshield of a blue Chevy Malibu, my step-brother was crying, I was sitting in silence and terror and my step-dad was screaming that if my mom was going to leave, she better have an abortion or else he was gonna kick her in the stomach to make sure she loses the baby.

This was almost 22 years ago.

This all started because I made the mistake of asking if we were going to be leaving the bar soon.

My step-dad had just put money in the jukebox, and this song started. My mom, in a very hushed tone said "Be quiet! You don't want step-dad to hear you!'

But drunk ears pick up everything.

He started screaming at me, "I'm not wasting my hard earned money!! I worked all week, and it was hard work, I deserve this Friday night out. It's MY reward for putting food on the table!!!"

"You are one selfish little prick for even asking something like that!!!"

My mom said, "Don't worry he'll be quiet from now on." I think she was trying to calm him down.

It did not work.

"Don't protect the little shit! He has to learn that the world isn't like his god damn books!!"

My mom got up, and walked out the door.

By herself.

She left all three of us there.

She left me there.

Than step-dad in a very nice and calm voice told step-bro to get his stuff ready, grabbed me by the arm, and shoved me out the door.

I could see that my mom was halfway down the block, walking away and leaving me behind.

Step-dad told us to get in the car.

He drove the car and told my mom to get in.

She didn't.

She said "You're so drunk you're gonna kill him, and I don't wanna see that!!"

So that's when he started screaming "If you're going to leave, you better have an abortion or else I'm was gonna kick you in the stomach to make sure you lose that baby!!"

My mom got in the car.

Just as she settles in, he rams her head into the windshield. Instantly creating a spiderweb.

"You don't never embarrass me in front of my friends ever again!" he yells at her.

During the 20 minute drive home, step-dad is still screaming at me, for ruining his night out.

When we get home, I get sent to my room and he takes step-bro home.

Through the door I ask my mom if she's OK?

During the time that he's gone, my mom says nothing.

I walked out of my room and I ask, "Why did you leave me behind when you walked out the door?"

No response.

I go back into my room.

I sit down with my back against the door and my legs braced against the bed.

I made up mind that night, no matter what happens, I would not run away this time.

I would stand and fight.

When he cames home, he and my mom start up all over again.

While they were screaming at each other, I was getting ready for my confrontation with my step-dad.

Then there was this awful silence.

Step-dad says "Jesus Christ, what have you done this time?"

I run out of my room.

I see my step-dad standing in the middle of the living room.

I see my mom with the phone in her hand and blood streaming down her face.

Step dad went to the bathroom.

I stand there horrified and frozen.

That's my mom, and she's bleeding.

As I look at her, she looks at me, and with a blank stare she hits herself in the head with the phone.

Somehow, (and even to this day I don't know what happened) I had the phone in my hand, and I called 911.

While this was happening, all I could hear was this retching sound coming from the bathroom.

I hung up the phone, walked to the bathroom where the acrid smell of urine and vomit assaulted my senses, grabbed some towels, saw my step-dad with his face in the toilet and kneeling in a puddle of piss.

When the ambulance arrived they took my mom to the hospital.

The cops asked me what happened.

I stood there in silence.

They asked me if I was OK.

I stood there in silence.

Step-dad comes out of the bathroom and says "We were having a fight then she hit herself in the head with the phone, then I called the boy to see if he could do something."

The cop asked me if this was true.

I stood there in silence.

The cop asked me if I was going to be OK.

I nodded. I knew then that this was my only chance to do something, and I failed.

The cops left.

As I stood there in silence, knowing exactly what would happen next, my step-dad approached me, raised his hand and proceeded to give the beating of a lifetime.

"How dare you bring outside people into family business! This is all your fault! If you would only learn to keep your damn mouth shut!"

I took the punches and the slaps in silence.

Tears streamed down my face, but I didn't make a single sound.

A few hours later my mom came back home.

Her head was wrapped in gauze, she gave me a hug and then laid down on the couch.

The next morning, step-dad asks me what happened to the living room, why my mom's head is bandaged and what I did to "fuck everything up?"

I stood there in silence.

All these memories flooded back into my head, because someone played that song.

I really hate that song.

TRUST

Trust is such a wondrous and powerful word. It builds friendships, relationships, love and reinforces each and every one of those feelings. It's the yard stick we use to measure how much we'll let people affect us and how far we are willing to affect them (or at least try to). It guides us in everyday situations and those "once in a moment" opportunities that end up shaping who we are and who we will be.

Like I said, it's a very powerful and wondrous word.

But trust broken, is as devastating as a blow to the head with a lead pipe. It affects how we deal with people and situations and how those situations affect and deal with us. It affects relationships, families, friends and your inner self. Mistrust is actually a lot more destructive than a loaded gun, with longer lasting results.

If you shoot the gun right, it may never hurt at all and even if you don't that scar will eventually heal.

Mistrust is not so easy to comeback from.

I know this from past and present experience.

Everyday is a step forward, and everyday is a step back.

But in my case, I gotta keep moving.

That's the truth.

Keep walking, keep moving, because anything is better than just giving up.

That's my dedication for the day.

Thanks for listening.

TRUST

Trust is such a wondrous and powerful word. It builds friendships, relationships, love and reinforces each and every one of those feelings. It's the yard stick we use to measure how much we'll let people affect us and how far we are willing to affect them (or at least try to). It guides us in everyday situations and those "once in a moment" opportunities that end up shaping who we are and who we will be.

Like I said, it's a very powerful and wondrous word.

But trust broken, is as devastating as a blow to the head with a lead pipe. It affects how we deal with people and situations and how those situations affect and deal with us. It affects relationships, families, friends and your inner self. Mistrust is actually a lot more destructive than a loaded gun, with longer lasting results.

If you shoot the gun right, it may never hurt at all and even if you don't that scar will eventually heal.

Mistrust is not so easy to comeback from.

I know this from past and present experience.

Everyday is a step forward, and everyday is a step back.

But in my case, I gotta keep moving.

That's the truth.

Keep walking, keep moving, because anything is better than just giving up.

That's my dedication for the day.

Thanks for listening.

79 THINGS ABOUT ME...that I haven't said before...I think

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
No but I gave one.

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
7 years

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
Maximum Ride: School's Out Forever...it's a book.

4. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
does work count?

5. LAST THING YOU SPENT ALOT OF MONEY ON?
Car Payment

6. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
Dark Chocolate Klondike Bar

7. FIRST THING LOOK AT FIRST ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
How they comapare to my wife

8. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
If You're Going Through Hell

9. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
at home

10. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED?
the one that's 7 blocks from where I live

12. FAVORITE MALL STORE?
Spencer's Gifts

13. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD?
7 years

14. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
yes

15. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?
Nope

16. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED?
mine

17. FIRST PERSON YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?
my wife

18. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH?
for a friend of my wife's wedding

19. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT?
Arby's

20. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT?
The Bedroom

21. CAN YOU COOK?
Yes

22. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
1999 Isuzu Rodeo

23. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday morning

24. MOST DISLIKED FOOD?
FISH

25. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
adaptability

26. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm overweight

27. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?
34.5 hours

28. FAVORITE MOVIE?
ever...or right now??...well ever...Star Wars...yes ALL OF THEM!! and Right now...well that would be NeverLand

29. CAN YOU SING?
In the Shower

30. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
a true concert...Tommy Lee

31. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?
Pants/shorts

32. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT?
In the arms of my wife

33. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD?
yes

34. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN?
Never

35. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?
Desktop

36. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
 right now...Carlos Mencia

37. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
in the pj's that god gave me

38. LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
depends on the people

39. HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER?
yes

40. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
French Toast

41. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?
when in the mood

42. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Cooked

43. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?
nope, but it is fun to read.

44. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING? BK

45. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?
none...sometimes 2

46. WHAT ARE YOU HEARING NOW?
an infomercial

47. PICK ANY LYRIC OR SONG?
If You're Going Through Hell

If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

48. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & j?
strawberry

49. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?
sometimes but never well

50. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM?
Yes but just enough to not drown

51. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Blue Bunny Banana Split

52. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
Yes until it comes time to re-fold them

53. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF?
Right now...I'm almost out of cigarettes

54. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?
yes

55. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
summer

56. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
5 hours ago

57. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?
I didn't

58. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?
Snuggling

59. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?
Feb 2005

60. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?
Christmas

61. DO YOU LIKE GETTING FLOWERS?
Yes

62. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
Making love to my wife...and some cleaning

63. WHAT IS THE THIRD LETTER OF YOUR FIRST NAME?
s

64. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PET(S)?
I dunno

65. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BACKPACK?
grey, grey w/ Dale Sr pic., burgandy, tan, and blue...yes I have 5

66. ARE YOU SICK?
mentally or physically?

67. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?
No

68. ARE YOU SMILING?
yes

69. DO YOU HAVE ON EYELINER?
Not since the 80's

70. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
Yes

71. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
to sleep

72. ARE YOU IN LOVE? AND IF YES WITH WHOM?
Yes, my wife

73. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?
nope

74. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
Inara

75. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?
If I had a school, it would start in January, last 3 hours a day and everyone would be naked

76. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?
No

77. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?
No

78. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
Yes

79. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?
Yes

And the song is over...please put another quarter in the jukebox, than we can dance again.

WHEN DID THIS BECOME AN ISSUE

Ok, I know I'm never on the cutting edge of news and news topics...but since when has breast feeding been an issue??

I mean in a time when presidents can have affairs, perjure, sell secrets and start wars.

Where the vice presidents, can make bold faced lies and shoot their friends in the face.

In a time when religious leaders are committing the very sins that they preach against.

In a time when oil companies are doubling and tripling their profits, while maintaining that there is an oil shortage.

In a time when wardrobe malfunctions are common place.

Breastfeeding in public is an issue?  When child abuse and neglect are at an all time high, you want to give a breastfeeding mother a hard time?

You do know that that is the main function of the breast right?

You do realize that it does serve a function and those people who think that that should be done behind closed doors are idiots.

I'm sorry, but I guess there are more important things in life that deserve to be squabbled over.

How closed minded have we become that feeding and nurturing a child because you might see a boob, or more specifically a nipple, is a reason to scoff the women who do it?

I guess I would rather spend my time arguing about the incompetence of our political leaders and the hypocrisies of our religious leaders than to argue about a breast, especially if it's being used for the reason that nature intended.

You know for living in one of the greatest nations in the world...we really have become the same controlling authority we originally left to start a "free world". With that said...this song is done.

A MOTHER'S DAY COME AND GONE

I love my mom, I really do. I just don't like her very much. So I did the obligatory visit, and I hated it. I hated spending time with her and pretending that I was enjoying every minute. If it wasn't for my wife, I would have never gone. I would have bought a card, dropped it off, and come home and quickly drank till I passed out. But with my wife by my side, I'm able to face the ghosts of my past and endure the emotions that were boiling under the surface. So that's that. This time I was wallflowering it. Until the next song...