MODEL PRISONER

My cage has no walls

no bars.

no windows

no doors.

But it is still a cage.

It is not made of iron

steel

glass

or wood.

But it is still a cage.

It has no visiting hours

no visitors.

But it is still a cage.

It has no bunk

sink

toilet.

But it is still a cage.

There are no guards

cell mates

wardens.

But it is still a cage.

There are no parole boards.

It has no early release for good behavior.

My cage has one captive

prisoner

inmate.

Just one.

Me.

And I am a model prisoner.

ON WINGS AND DREAMS THEY SOAR

With golden talons I grip the dirt, feline haunches tense and push against the ground, my talons dig into the earth as I pull myself and jump simultaneously into the air, my wings start to flap and carry me on gusts of wind.

Away from the Earth towards the heavens. I open my beak and screech in pure joy. The wind ruffles my feathers, my tail twitching in excitement.

And I see you, banking and diving through the clouds. Your golden-orange skin reflecting the rays from the sun. You look like a living flame all sinewy and sleek...

I begin the chase, my heart beating in my chest, another screech of HAPPINESS, and a greeting to my friend.

To my mate?

I follow your golden-orange light, my wings beating, soaring, using the currents of air to bring me closer to you...

For hours I fly straight and true. I fly towards you. But as the sun sets, your skin of flame, gets dimmer, until nightfall finally arrives.

I stare at the horizon, I almost see you. You're almost visible, you're almost clear...and then you're swallowed into the night.

I spread my wings...as I begin my slow decent circling that spot where the meadow kisses the river. My rear paws touch the ground then my talons. I am weary from my flight. I screech my promise as I do every night - I will follow you wherever you go, I will follow you-...

In the distance, along the horizon towards the heaven like a fountain of flame comes the response - Come and catch me -

And I lie down...weak...weary... excited for tomorrow...eager for the chase...

POEMA NAM GLORIA

I wish you could see, the vision that stands before me.

I wish you could see her through my eyes.

I wish you could see what I see.

That you could feel the comfort and peace she creates, just by being near.

Then you could see her unyielding strength.

When the world, puts more and more on your shoulders,

you may stumble, but keep on fighting to stand erect.

You could see her as she continues to move forward.

No matter how many obstacles are thrown at your feet.

No matter how many people try to trip you up and drag you down,

You keep fighting for every step.

When you smile, it comes with such a brilliance, it chases the darkness away.

When you laugh, it's infectious and intoxicating, it's pure and genuine.

And those who share in it, can feel the joy straight to their soul.

You would be able to see the heart you wear on your sleeve.

Filled with love and with pain.

Overflowing with joy and with sadness.

You could look into your own eyes and you could see how you look at me.

You could feel how you make me feel and you make me feel beautiful.

And you could feel how scary it is.

When someone can look at you the way you've never looked at yourself.

You could see how I see you.

Then you could see the vision that stands before me.



I wish you could see, the vision that stands before me.

LOVERS LAMENT

as we lay here naked
nothing between us
but raspy breathing
and the cool air
that chills the sweat on our skin

i thought you could replace her

i thought you were her
but you're not
you're not  her
you never were
that freezes the blood in my veins

i thought you could replace her

i am holding you
the same way I held her
a shadow, an echo
i should let you go
that thought stopped cold in my head

i thought you could replace her

i can't love you
the way I loved her
because she loved me
and you don't love anything
i start to shiver, when reality hits

i thought you could replace her

i'm dying here
as we lie here naked
nothing between us
but raspy breathing
and the cool air makes you sweat

i thought you could replace her

i hold you in my hand
your moisture covers my fingers
i bring you to my lips
and i taste you
as i drink you in...

i thought you could replace her

i light a cigarette
and look over at you
and i feel the tears
roll down my cheeks
as i bring you to my lips again

i thought you could replace her

this glass grows heavy
the more i drink from it
shame tastes like tears
whiskey and ice
and it tastes like pain

i thought you could replace her

and you did

LOOK AT ME

When you look at me

Tell me,

What do you see?

Who do you see?

Do you look at me?

Do you even see me?

What do you see?

Who do you see?

Do you see

How much you hurt me?

Do you see that

I changed for you.

I sold my soul for you.

Look at me.

LOOK AT ME!

It hurt's.

It tears me up!

Can't you see...

the anger growing?

the rage I'm fighting?

LOOK AT ME!!

Look into my eyes,

See the emptiness?

Do you?

Look at my face.

Smile?  It's fake.

Did you know that?

The laugh?

Yeah that's bullshit too.

The truth is this...

When you look at me

All you see is what

You think I should be.

You stopped seeing me.

You stopped looking for me.

I'll admit I was weak

When I gave into you.

When I gave you

What you wanted...

and a part of me died.

A part that you'll never see,

Because when you look at me,

You don't see me at all.

Just watch me walk away.


I hate mirrors.

HER WINGS FLAPPING

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that lifts your soul.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that fights the sorrow.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that keeps despair at bay.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that call you from the edge.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that opens your eyes.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you smile.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you dance.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you sing.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you want to roll down a hill.



Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?



It sounds like Mommy's kisses...

It sounds like Daddy's hugs...

It sounds like a raindrop falling...

It sounds like sunshine...

It sounds like a happy thought...

It sounds like laughter...

It sounds like wind in the leaves...

It sounds like a card in your spokes...


Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?


Neither do I.


And not in a long time.


But it once sounded like silence...

TWINKLE

Before the dawn came,
I was there.
I was just a tiny thought
a passing fancy
a small twinkle of hope...
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I'M PREGNANT?!?!?!?!  SHIIIIT!!  Is there still time for an abortion?."

The dawn came,
and I greeted you,
we finally meet face to face,
Hello mom...
"That can't be normal, it looks like a fuckin rat...No I don't want to breast feed, that's what formula is for."

At the dawn,
I laid there
calling for you.
I'm hungry mom.
I'm scared,
please hold me
keep me safe...
"Will someone shut the little FUCKER up!  His fuckin wailing is giving me another fuckin headache!!!"

As time passes
I look for you,
I hold my head up
I roll to tummy
I roll to my back
I roll in circles
I'm searching for you mom
I need to see you...
"Little bastard can't even hold his bottle yet.  He's probably retarded."

And a little later,
on all fours
I'm crawling
after you mom
Pick me up please,
I need to feel you
protecting me
loving me...
"Mommy is ON THE PHONE!  CAN SOMEONE PICK THE LITTLE SHIT UP...NOW!!!"

Standing
on my own
for the first time,
light shining through
outstretched fingers,
my little arms
reaching for you
mom, I'm right here....
"Get OUTTA the WAY, I can't see the TV!  Little fucker's always in the way!"

A little more time passes,
and I'm walking
behind you.
I'm walking in your footsteps
I want to be with you
I want to be just like you mom...
"Jesus H. CHRIST, THE LITTLE BASTARDS ALWAYS UNDER MY FEET!  Go watch TV or something!!"

Running behind you,
the entire world
a magical place,
show me
where I fit in
show me
my place mom...
"FUCKIN A, the little Fucker want's attention, put on that fuckin Barney show.  That always shuts him up."

Many days
have passed mom.
I graduated High School.
I graduated College.
I got married.
I have children.
Not my wife,
nor my children
have to look
for attention...
"Jesus H Christ can't you do ANYTHING right?!?!, Besides pushing those little shit monsters out of your old and stretched out twat!?!?  You're ALL FUCKIN USELESS!!!"

Thank You mom, you made me the man I am.

I started out as just a twinkle...

A small twinkle of hope...

ELECTRIC SUNSHINE

My dreams are dying.
My lies are blinding.
weeping with me
the magician
and the mans with electric sunshine.

I'm nothing, a joke
A losers lost cause
crying beside me
the magician
and the man with electric sunshine.

Battle raging between him, her
them, us, me and you
cowering with me
a magician
and the man with electric sunshine.

There in the darkness
loathing feeding the fires
fanning the flames
a magician
and the man with electric sunshine.

Broken and stripped down
shattered tears fall like sand
alone and naked
a magician
and the man with electric sunshine.

To erase the tears with a backhand
To refill the glass that runs empty
To camouflage the shattered visages
To extinguish the desire
To spotlight loneliness
To raise me, to the counter
To hide the broken pieces
To build the splintered family
To weaken us to become one
To give up the battle

Standing beside me
a magician
to distract me
and the man with electric sunshine
pours another glass of electric sunshine

Sunshine touches my lips
A blindfold over my eyes
all I see...
the magician
and the man with electric sunshine.

A BOTTLES EMBRACE

you kiss my lips again

it burns my tongue

that liquid fire

slides down my throat

to the pit of my stomach

burning

soothing

drowning

liquid amnesia.

no hands, no fingers

but the grip on me is strong

leading me in a dance,

around and around an open pit

filled with shame

regret

destruction

not releasing me.

today it's my master

yesterday my friend and lover

holding me in your grasp,

my thirst for you grows

the pit grows bigger

you lead me closer

held captive

in my own flesh.

like a cast iron grip

that scares my mind,

and my soul,

if you ever leave me,

even for just a moment.

a longing resides in me

by you my sweet

my bottles embrace

so desperate to feel...

anything,




and nothing at all

I TOOK MY FIRST STEP TODAY

reprinted from 6/8/04

I TOOK MY FIRST STEP TODAY


i took my first step today.

the same as i did tomorrow,

i tripped yet i stood up,

than got back down to fall again,

the sidewalk gets smaller the closer i converge,

i'm nearly to my destination,

only to realize i never left,

i looked down at the sidewalk,

only to see the sky looking up at me,

i was walking nowhere,

getting farther than ever before,

i was losing my sanity,

only to stay insane,

I took my first step today.

different than i did yesterday,

i walked off the sidewalk,

to find myself already there,

to ask myself

'what took you so long?'

only to respond

'i was found but now i'm lost',

i laughed at myself,

'you were caged, now you're free'

i said,

'being free is frightening'

was my reply,

'yeah it is'

i answered

'but feeling "anything" is new to you',

'i felt things before'

i countered,

'you never felt alive or free before'

i retorted,


i took my first step today.



than i took my second.




than i took my third...

I WONDER...

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
Albert Einstein


I wonder about many things as each day dawns.

Dawn being a figurative term.

I'm still awake when it comes.

It's usually the afternoon sun that beckons this lowly creature from the dreamlands to the waking world.

That and a fucking alarm clock.

I wonder what the day will bring...

Missing moments and moments lost.

I wonder if I can complete a day without new scar...

On me or in somebody else.

I wonder if my words will be the reason for pain...

For someone I don't know or in someone close to me.

I wonder what each passing minute brings to fill my plate.

A healthy meal or a mouthful of crow.

I wonder will I blink, think, breathe?

I wonder if it's worth it.

For you or me.

I wonder if the wonderful people of this world have started the healing?

Spreading hope filled arms and embracing us.

I wonder if the monsters are rubbing more salt to yet another fresh wound.

Squeezing and squeezing and squeezing till darkness comes.

I wonder if today will be a coalescent, stagnant day.

Or will it blossom into a day of thunderous beauty, gelid rains?

With the lightning prancing, frolicking and shimmying, like a burlesque show of awe and WONDER.

I wonder if on this day, I can do something right.

Everyday, I sit her and think.

But mostly, I just wonder, why?

And today was no different.

the DREAMS TREAT pt 4

an introduction, where it all started and the previous chapters

the DREAMS TREAT pt. 1

the DREAMS TREAT pt 2

the DREAMS TREAT pt3

I just woke up from a weird sleep. Had a dream that I was buried neck deep in the dirt.  All the while the dogs were circling and growling

"You put a collar round my neck,
and dragged me all around.
You clipped my ears and clipped my tail,
and made me a sterile hound.
Now your holed up in MY yard,
and we're on hallowed ground.
Where I'll piss and shit to my content
on your burial mound."

Suddenly fetch doesn't sound like any kind of fun.

the DREAMS TREAT pt3

an introduction, where it all started and the previous chapters


the DREAMS TREAT pt. 1


the DREAMS TREAT pt 2




I just woke up from a weird sleep. Had a dream that my hands were broken and all my fingers were black, blue and bloody.  All the while the cows were dancing and singing

"Wake up at the crack of dawn,
your hands as cold as ice.
Grab my teats again you fuck,
I won't be near as nice.
Crushed your hands and gored your wife,
that's the going price.
To teach you healthy manners,
I think that should suffice."

Needless to say, I'm not thirsty for milk anymore...or ever again.

the DREAMS TREAT pt 2

an introduction, where it all startedand the previous chapters

the DREAMS TREAT pt. 1




I just woke up from a weird sleep. Had a dream that my mouth was sewn shut and all my words turned into flies with shit on their feet. All the while the rats were dancing and singing

"Just watch him toil and struggle
he can not break loose.
Tongue cut out, no good at all,
the screams it will reduce.
Soon he do the jerky dance,
his tongue we'll use as noose.
Then we all head home again,
and drink his eyeball juice."

Needless to say I'm really scared of rats now....

the DREAMS TREAT pt 1

A while ago, I had this idea to do a bunch of short slightly twisted poems. I wanted them to be fairly similar, where you can read each individually and be tickled, or all together and have this weird mosaic style mental image of a world with talking animals who are in revolt.

In my notebook, I have it listed as "Disney/Dr Seuss and Warren Ellis writing them."

Well, I never got past the first poem, because it never flowed right (the original can be found here...www.coacearchive.blogspot.com/2008/04/dreams.html).

But I  kept writing down a bunch of notes "just in case."

Today for some reason I looked at the original poem, and I was still unhappy with it.

I looked at my notes...and one line really popped. I went back to original added the line, took out another, switched a couple of them around, reworded it a little bit...and voila it finally felt and sounded right.

With that first hurdle (which has been bugging me for almost 2 years) finally jumped, now I need to find an artist, who can put their unique twist on these words and bring it to visual life...but that part of this project will take longer then the writing process.

Well ladies and gents, here is the first glimpse into "the Dreams Treat" world...


I just woke up from a weird sleep. Had a dream that my skull was split open and all my ideas were falling out and bursting into flame. All the while the cats were dancing and singing

"You fell to fast, you fell too hard
now you quiver in the square.
With your neck you hold the rope,
while swinging in the air.
Look at all his dummy thoughts,
they fall into despair,
Look at all the hangman's kids,
without a doubt or care."

Needless to say I am wary around the felines now....

ABLAZE

The smoke unfurls before my very eyes

burning them and leaving behind

the tears it can not cry.

The wispy child, a lovely ghost,

a child of the beast,

that exists to devour.

Like a scorned lover racing

towards the heavens

where it fades into nothingness.

The dancing flame with scalding tendrils

reaching after it

only pushes it further away.

It's offspring it can no longer hold.

Alone and dying the flame roars

and snaps at it's terrible loss.

Embers float like burning snow,

The fire can only do what it knows,

it burns.

It burns until there is nothing left but ash.

It consumes itself in it's never ending need

to gorge, char and to burn.

Finally the flickering starts to fade,

and the glowing embers dissipate,

The escaping children,

dance a lonely dance,

to a melody unheard.

begin to fade from life.

Soon only the ashes remain...

to be blown away

by the passing wind.

BEING THERE

My heart I shared with you,
I opened my world to you, and
you started the healing.
When I started to lose faith and
when I needed you most,
you were right there.
You saved my soul, time and time again.
The way you listened.
Thew way you looked at me when you listened.
I felt a sense of peace
just being near you.
The way my emotions and anger
flared, uncontrollable,
like cannon being fired
destroying, everything in its path.
Yet you stood there, listening.
Strong, understanding and unfaltering
you lent me your strength.
I didn't have your courage
but your strength inspired everyone around you.
You never wavered, never yielded.
You were unbending and unbreakable.
I shared my hopes and dreams,
my pain and disappointments,
my scars and fears,
and you didn't judge me.
You just spread your wings
and sheltered me a little longer.
Until I was able to stand on my own again.
My heart I shared with you,
I opened my world to you, and
you started the healing.
My life would be empty and sad without you
Thank you for spending time
in my life and
in my world.

Thank you for being there.

It's just too bad,
that I wasn't there for you.

And not being there, for you...
took you somewhere else
far away from me.

GRAVEYARD OF EMPTY BOTTLES

I sit here on the ground

In a graveyard of empty bottles.

Smoking a cigarette

And shedding a liar's tear.

In my state of mind

It doesn't matter all that much.

I can hear the demons,

and they're playing the blues.

The angels join in on the vocals, of course.

The choir of angels and the devils sound.

This isn't pretty music.

It's not nice music.

It's the kind of noise

That makes you want to SCREAM!

Whatever, I guess it's better than silence.

Damn cigarette smoke

Shit burns my eyes.

I try to stand

But my inebriated legs fight me.

My vision isn't very clear anymore

I thought I had another bottle up here.

Through whiskey saturated eyes,

I notice something.

I'm not in the graveyard anymore.

I'm drowning in the bottle I'm holding.

And I don't know if I want to be saved.

I take a single step and fall face first

back into the graveyard of empty bottles.

As I sit here on the ground

pissing myself I wonder.

Should I be saved or just flushed down the toilet

I mean, that is where shit belongs, right?

THIN DISGUISE

My scars of sanity

are hidden behind

the masks of

reality and insecurity.

A gentle smile

my thin disguise.



This house of cards

I call my home

crashes gracefully

all around me.

Make-up hides

the black eyes

that you

so lovingly gave me.

A gentle smile

my thin disguise.



Ratted out hair

covers the missing clumps

that are entwined

around your fingers

and litter

the kitchen floor.

"Rock-n-roll" clothes,

attitude and swagger

camouflage my limping gait.

A gentle smile

my thin disguise.



Thank God for the Glam.

It hides the crying boy

hidden inside

the broken man.

A gentle smile

my thin disguise.



Your touch is

molding me

into a monster,

blow by blow.

I shouldn't be.

blessed with an

innocent smile,

such a gift

wasted on me.

That gentle smile

my thin disguise.



My body holds

the soul

of the wounded

the angry and

the premature fiend.

A gentle smile

my thin disguise.



The dreamer died

the nightmare born.

The callous hand tires

and the attack

finally ceases.

I'm replacing the thing

you see in that spot

above the bathroom sink.

I never wanted this to be.

A gentle smile

my thin disguise.


I can tell

You're scared to look

You see what lies

ahead for me,

what I will become.

A gentle smile

My thin disguise.


It's apparent and clear

to those

that surround me.

That I am turning

into you.

I've become something

you can't see anymore.

My scars of sanity

are hidden behind

the masks of

reality and insecurity.



A gentle smile



my thin disguise.


And the echo

is afraid to look back at me;

it sees

what has become of me.

When all I see

are the scars

that only I can feel

and the horrors

you have said

aren't at all real.

A gentle smile

my thin disguise.


Memories that never heal,

that never die

mind and spirit

broken and feral.

The beauty fades

and the brute

becomes apparent.

Look past his smile,

that thin disguise

becomes transparent.


My scars of sanity

are hidden behind

the masks of

reality and insecurity.



A gentle smile


my thin disguise.

SCABS

Today, I cried.

I wiped away a tear with the back of my hand.

I hid in my room and I cringe every time a door opens.

I tried to steal a moment, a minute even a second, to escape my own hell.

To have a fraction of serenity, a fragment of blissful ignorance.

I survived to tell you this.

This is my tale.


Today, I smiled.

I even laughed and I didn't look over my shoulder.

I took a chance and walked in the sun and danced with my shadow.

I played hide and seek with a rainbow, but no pot of gold was found.

What I found was a miracle, I found a sliver of happiness.

I survived to tell you this.

This is my tale.


Today, I'm hating.

Scorn from my reflection and the loathing is returned...tenfold.

I find myself crossing a razors edge between abyss and darkness.

My knees bleeding and torn, my hands shredded from crawling.

That happens when your sins become to heavy to stand upright.

I survived to tell you this.

This is my tale.


Today, I remembered nothing and everything else slipped my mind.

I failed to say I love you, again and I neglected to show you everyday.

I was aware enough to continue the argument, but I failed to say I missed you.

I paid attention to my hurt feelings, and I disregarded and blew off yours.

I survived to tell you this.

This is my tale.


Today, I looked at what I have been and what I have become.

It's the first time my eyes aren't blinded and my brain's not poisoned.

My first step begins today, right now, at this exact moment like it does everyday.

Left foot first, inhale, right foot, exhale.  This is everything and enough for now.

I survived to tell you this.

This is my tale.


This is where the next chapter goes.  It won't be a tale of survival.

But a story of a life lived with peace of mind and serenity holding my hand.

Keeping me from gripping a glass of suicide and

To keep me from picking at the scabs on my knees...