THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE or HOW MANY EXCUSES DOES IT TAKE TO GET OUT OF DOING LAUNDRY?

It’s a brisk Wednesday morning, and I just returned home from a long night at work, a quick stop at Wal-Mart and Bath and Body Works.


Now, you're asking yourself, why? Well let me tell you true believer. Let me tell you why this was such an important moment in this aging dog's life.


I was horrified and shocked that last night after my daily cleansing rituals, a revelation was made. I had no clean socks or boxers!


I asked my girlfriend at the time the most innocent and harmless of questions (in other words put my size 12's firmly in my “quick to ask slowly to think...of consequences” mouth).


That little insignificant question was... "Why haven't you done laundry yet, because I got no clean socks or boxers?"


The response to my rhetorical question was a thunderous


"SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


To which I subtly replied..."WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU CRAZY BITCH! DAMN THAT HURT"


Needless to say, no sooner had I spoken those words that the reality of my first statement hit me. Than the reality of my second statement hit me. I never said I was a genius. But in true male fashion I stuck to my erroneous words. Of course the only thought that was permeating through the throbbing brain was "Aw SHIT".


As my exclamation hung in the air, I could actually hear her synapses firing in her brain. I stood there quietly.


In a calm and serene voice she says “Do your own damn clothes.” I was calculating the depth of the pile of fecal matter I was currently in s she walked past me and down the stairs.


Since I was getting ready for work I had no time to do laundry. I would have to wait till after my shift to be able to do laundry.


Work, on this particular evening was unusually busy and very stressful, so afterwards I was not in the mood nor did I have the energy to do laundry.


So I did what any pig-headed, tired stressed and just got paid guy would do. I went to Wal-Mart, and bought 2 packs of socks and 3 packs of underwear.


Hey, it's cool I know I'm in the wrong, but the ego of the alpha male/hunter/provider/and any other testosterone filled word that describes men at their most stupid, won't admit it...out loud.


Oh Yeah did I mention that I also bought some flowers and chocolates and a gift certificate from Bath and Body Works.


Yes, I know its bribery, but it's better than the cold shoulder and the "Mad 'X' of no entry" (just in case some of you have no clue what that is, it means I get denied access to the holiest of holies).


So now its time for me to finish this and grovel (and if my groveling skills are up to par I might get some afterwards).

J2