A HOLIDAY WISH

The old year is ending,
the passing of good times,
bad times,
loves lost,
loves found,
friendships made,
friendships forgotten,
friendships that will remain constant,
friendships missed,
an old year is ending.
A new year is beginning,
with new hopes and aspirations,
with unknowns and uncertainties,
with prospects of the heart, mind and soul,
with the idea of tomorrow,
a new year is beginning...
yet I will always remain

BELIEVE

To one and all,
great and small,
to those with
snow covered hands,
or 100 degree sands,
to snow days,
and heat waves,
to the Christians,
or the Jews,
the Arabs,
and the Hindu's.
to those that believe,
in a savior born,
or jolly elves,
to those that light,
Christmas candles,
or menorahs,
to all my neighbors,
in this world,
to you all I wish you,
a season of joy,
a season of hope,
a season of love,
but mostly ,
I wish you to know,
that a stranger today,
sends a prayer your way,
to believe in peace,
to believe in love,
but mostly just to believe.

MOSTLY FILLER

I walk and talk, laugh and cry,
I'm mobile and converse,
I live and I'll die,
I exist, to make you all happy...but you.
I can't make you happy, I just do, just like you make me happy.
I look and see, lie and deny
I breathe so that life, still resides,But I'm not alive.
I'm barely human.
I'm a pariah of my own making.
I carry a Jezebel goblet, and a liars face,
unless you are near me.
Than I wear the face of the friend.
It's a lie.
I am your friend.
But I want more.
I need more.
A friend is not enough.
I want you.
I dream about you.
I call your name.
I scream for your heart.
I long for you.
I miss you when you are near me.
I'm dying when you aren't.
I confessed my desire.
You shared with me that same desire.
I walk and talk, laugh and cry,
When you are not here,
I'm mostly filler....

WHY

why do you love me when no one else did?

why do you listen to every word that's said?

why do you want me in your mad existence?

why do you need me to stand with you?

why do you hold me when I cry at night?

why do you laugh at the stupid things I say?

why do you cry when it's me that hurts?

why do you trust me when it could so easily be a lie?

why do you sleep with me when I steal the covers?

why do you look at me the way you do?

why do you question all the silly things?

why do you accept the tragic things?

why did you dance with me?

why did you keep your secrets?

why do you want to marry me?

why do you want my children?

why do you want me?

why did you choose me?


why?

TO CHOOSE

to stand or fall...I choose to walk
to laugh or cry I...I choose to talk
to sleep or wake...I choose to be
not for you
but for me
to love or hate ...I choose to listen
to sing or dance...I choose to run
to shine or fade...I choose to smoke
not for you
but for me

THE DOOR TO TOMORROW

If life handed you an apple pie and it tasted like apples, that's a good thing, right?

And If life hands you a lemon, you're supposed to make lemonade, correct?

So than, what do you do when life keeps handing you happiness?

I'm not a very nice person (I have ex's who can attest to that).

If someone pisses me off i.e. a person who I thought was a friend and turns out that they did not trust me enough to come with me about something, I'm still nice and pleasant to them.

If a somebody says things about me (race, religion. etc. etc.) that has nothing to do with my personality or generalizes me as nothing but a race, religion etc., I still treat then the same way.

You see before Season I would have torn into them and let loose the hounds of hell so that they knew without any doubt how I felt. That what was done to me did bother me, but now I don't.

You see I feel sorry for them. Not in the "I pity you fool" sort of way, but in the "man, you'll never get me, and that just sucks" kind of way.

I feel bad for us, because when they do this, all it ends up doing is creating a gap between us. The feelings of friendship are now a chasm that separates us.

I will never talk to them the same way I used too. I will not trust them. They are kept at arms length (and I keep hoping my arms get longer).

Now? Well now, the people who do hurt me will never know what their unkind words did.

Instead they get my bogus smile and laugh and a false friend who is keeping his enemies close.

But some how and for some reason, I have the affection and love from the woman who has married me. She looks at me like I really matter and still listens to me, as if my words could move mountains.

She has blessed my life with conversation, with silly topics and the serious discussions. I am fortunate to have a partner, a friend and a wife who wants to share her life with me.

The strength we share, has allowed me to face many of my demons, no matter how ugly they were. She stood by me and still looks at me with love filled eyes.

I thought this was just stories and lies, but here I stand. A believer that true love exists. And that it can keep growing day by day.

So I'm looking at the apple pie and lemonade in front of me. And I'm thinking to myself...do I really deserve this? I honestly don't think so, but Season, she makes me feel like I do. So I take a slice of that apple pie and a swig from the lemonade and revel in the fact that it really is OK to be happy. That it is really OK to find bliss in the person next to you.

That happiness is not a mat that sits on your doorway, but the key that opens the door to a future you never looked towards.

So with that I remain simply...

a happy fool

I DON'T KNOW

I don't know what I'm doing right now,
I'm not following my usual "M.O."
It's something of an idea
to just say what comes in my head
and see where it takes me.
I usually have at least a pattern I follow,
but for once I'm saying "fuck it"
and it seems I get kinda lost doing things this way.
I'm really never sure how to do many things,
I try to take the pass least taken,
but doing that all the time,
it becomes a pattern that I'm trying to break.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
But I'm doing it anyway.

CAN'T

I have been losing control
since I met you
I want to bare my feelings
before your gone
My heart is starting to break
I stand alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

Digital talks, late night drinks
take out for two
We danced again, the first time
we walked away
My heart is starting to break
I cried alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

A gathering of masses
I think alone
Confessions and retractions
than I chose you
My heart is starting to mend
I'm not alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

The first kiss was tentative,
next one lingered
Our lips met, unrestrained love
two became one
My heart is starting to mend
finally home

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

I AM

I never know what to say when I have the words speak
I don't ever know what to look for in a painting
I have no clue what to hear in a song.
I can't dance,
I have no rhythm.
I do not dream because
I do not sleep.
Faith is lost to me because
I don't know what to believe in.
I don't know how to pray,
I never learned.
I cry because there is a sadness
I can't hold in.
I laugh because
I get the joke.
I'm alone because no one else gets it.
I suffocate because
I can't breathe.
I fly because
I finally spread my wings.
I stand because
I refuse to lay down.
I fall and stumble because
I am human.
I live because
I simply do...

A GREATER LOVE

I have never known a greater love
than a baby's smile
or a kittens purr.

I have never seen a brighter light
than a mother's love
or an early morning dawn.

I have never felt a hotter fire
in my lovers eyes
and in her beating heart.

I have never felt a greater love
than being held in her arms
when she comes home from work,
or when I lay myself down for slumber.

I have never known a greater love
until I met you.
I never knew love before,
now I do.

I know my greater love,
It's you.

A USELESS RHYME

the sun rose today, to meet me at noon

the birds flew away, they said I came back to soon

the dog licked his lips and than much lower

we both ran to avoid the javelin thrower

what a silly day this has been

the dreams are starting to begin

a moment of nonsense I share with you

of soap, conditioner and shampoo

a momentary lapse of judgment

and sharing of letters just sent

no rhyme or reason, I don't need one

just a Coke and a cinnamon bun

now that we wasted time

with this useless rhyme

this happy guy

will just say bye...

...for now.

A MOMENT OF DOUBT

There are times when somethings hit me like a runaway freight train. It's like something in me feels something for the first time.

Today I felt a true anguish that shook me down to my core. I felt a sense of loss.

A true loss, not the "Oh crap where are my car keys' feeling, but the "Oh shit, something in me just died" kind of loss. This time it was very different.

It was the "am I really allowed to be this happy" kind of feeling.

I am with a partner who loves me what I feel for her can only be described as bliss. But at the same time I ask myself "Can I make her truly happy?"

I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I can't even pretend to have them. All I know is that I feel so complete when I am with her.

There used to be this HUGE pool of anger that bubbled and boiled deep inside of me.

Now I only find hope, love and a wonderful feeling called tomorrow. I pray that I can give her this everyday. Because inside of my strange little soul I find it whenever I hear her heart beat or whenever she smiles at me. I find myself happier than ever before in my pitiful existence.

For some reason today after watching the fall of fictional character, I find myself wondering. Do I make her happy? Do I make her feel complete? Do I do to her what she does for me? Can I save her?

I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid, it's something I do a lot. I still wonder "am I what she has been searching for?"

I guess that's all I really wanted to say. She makes my world, my life and my soul complete. I just pray that I do the same thing for her.

DEAR CLOSE MINDED PEOPLE

Dear Closed Minded People,

How are you doing today?

I'm feeling a bit of spit and vinegar towards you today.

I saw a shirt that truly pissed me off and well that led me to this little outburst.  The shirt said "Straight Pride" on the front and "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam on Steve on the back.  This shirt just made me realize how simple minded some of you are...no wait, I mean it made me realize what simple minded mother fuckers some of you are.

Gay, Bi or Lesbian, they are still people with real voices and ideas.  They didn't ask you to join them in their lives, but you make sure you try to drag them down anyway.

What they do is not a matter or concern for you.

You are just a drop of piss in the toilet bowl of your own existence.

They like most of us don't care what your opinion is.  They like most of don't want to hear your opinion.

So stop trying to force it down my throat.  I can form my own opinions.  I'm special like that.  I like to make my own opinions.  I usually use things like facts to help but I'm really weird like that.

I don't need you to bring a higher power into a debate over what is right or wrong.  The Bible gave us two simple rules...Love God, and Love each other because in doing so, you love God.  I've read the Bible, a few times.  Never does it say, tear your fellow man down.  Nor does it say beat them up in my name.  Again, and just to reitterate, Love God, and Love each other because in doing so, you love God.

Here are a couple of rules that are evident in the bible...

Turn the other cheek...sound familiar?

Love thy brother as you would thy self...any bells ringing?

I mean we have all heard the saying ignorance is bliss right?  But let's all be honest, it's only blissful when the ignorant leave.

So to all you close minded afterbirths, whose conception was just because the semen leaked after an anal encounter, I have this last statement.

Let it go.

The only true waste of the gene pool, is not the little gay couple having a dinner, but the waste that won't leave them alone.

Get over it.

You really aren't that special.

Sincerely,
Me