FREE RANGE, ORIGINAL RECIPE or EXTRA CRISPY revisited

My wife tells me that I have to redo this entry. She looked at me and asked "Are you even trying anymore?"

I was all like "What you doin' gettin' all up in mah bizness!" in my head.

The words that actually came out were "Umm honey I was kind of tired, and I wanted to get it down before I forgot."

Which now that I think about were also the words in my head when I was originally asked if I was even trying.

I think I gots to keep away frum dat MTV...word.

So she suggested that I should probably rewrite it.

So I guess here you have Free Range, Original Recipe or Extra Crispy revisited...

It's Saturday afternoon, and we just finished a stint at the white trash Bloomingdales (I have this love/hate thing with Wal-Mart shoppers) and my wife sees the sign for the Elegant Farmer. She sees this damn sign at least once a week, and at least once a week she says one of these days we should check it out. It finally turned into one of these days, and my wife and I were on our way to the Elegant Farmer.

Gentlefolks, let me explain that I'm not a very big fan of the rustic/farm/craft type establishments (which this totally was) and looking back I should not have been surprised...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

My wife was looking at all the products they carry. Jam's, pies, fresh dairy products, some knick-knacks , you know. Basically, if it has a price tag on it she's going to give it a once over.

Not me, all I was looking for the freshly slaughtered and ready to cook animals that will fill my belly with goodness.

AND I FIND IT!!!

Wooooohoooo went the victory scream!

Hunter/Provider find meat.

Hunter/Provider bring meat to cave.

Hunter/Provider is interrupted with words.

Hunter/Provider is confused.

Sign say this "happy chicken."

These are happy chickens? They have been fed a good and healthy diet? They are free range? They have had a happy life? They are HOW FRIKKEN MUCH?!?!?

And all the other meat products have very similar descriptions.

And they all have pretty much the same reaction from me. Emphasizing "the HOW FRIKKEN MUCH?!?!?" part.

I Like Meat.

Not in the gay way, but in the steak with a side of steak and some pork chops or chicken to take home kind of way.

YUMMY STEAKS! A GOOD BURGER WITH BACON. DEEP FRIED CHICKEN. NOW THAT'S EATIN FOLKS.

Believe me when I say I am no friend of PETA.

I think that every pet is an emergency meal (you know, when the end of the world comes).

I may not go actively hunt said critters, but I fully support those that do.

I think that if a couple thousand bunny rabbits and mice must suffer for make-up that the woman I love wears, than by god put that lip gloss on Mickey and Bugs needs some blush.

If I get to live a little bit longer because they used said little critters in medical experiments, than by all that's holy, I'll get you a few more myself.

I'm getting off track. Sorry.

My PETA thoughts are on a back burner for a wee bit longer. This is about the happy animals that are going to be my lunch/dinner.

I don't care what kind of life my food had. I don't care if it ate well. I don't care if it was from an award winning stock.

All I care about is whether its 350 degrees for 40 minutes or 340 degrees for 50 minutes.

I do not want a history lesson with my meal. I don't want to know what part of the country my tomatoes were grown in. I don't need to know what kind of cow gave me milk for the ice cream I am eating.

I really don't need to know how happy my dinner was.

Because unless I am not mistaken, at this point happiness in no longer part of the equation. The only part of the equation left is "and what sides would you like with your meal?"

So a happy chicken? Who cares.

A fried chicken in a bucket of extra crispy with a side of slaw and mashed taters, please and thank you.


So lovely wifey o'miney...is this up to my usual witty yet pointless waste of cyberspace that you expect and love me for??