Sep 24, 2004


Have you forgotten the stolen moments that defines your heart?

The fleeting passage that rang true and straight?

The sliver that broke your heart and the needle that pierced your soul?

Have you forgotten the first tear you shed in heartache?

Have you forgotten the first kiss of youthful love?

Have you forgotten the puddles and the mud?

Have you forgotten you first dance to your first love song?

Have you forgotten how to laugh?

Have you forgotten how to cry?

Have you forgotten how to live?

Only to remember how to die.

Have you forgotten the sky so blue and bright?

Have you forgotten the grass so green and fresh?

Have you forgotten the lake so cold and clear?

Have you forgotten the snow sparkled and white?

Have you forgotten the sunburned noses?

Have you forgotten the cold and wet feet?

Have you forgotten how to scream?

Have you forgotten how to shout?

Have you forgotten how to weep?

Have you forgotten how sing and dance?

Have you forgotten the puppies wet nose?

Have you forgotten the kittens sandpaper tongue?

Have you forgotten how to be a child?

Have you forgotten to open your eyes?

Have you forgotten how to hear the ideas that come from innocence?

Have you forgotten how to live?

Only to remember how to die?

Have you forgotten.

Jun 29, 2004


the smell of a hot summer day reminds me of playgrounds and tether ball
swings and slides
of exhilaration when you jump off the swing at its apex
and the tears of the scraped knees when you landed

the sounds of laughter remind me to live in today
look forward to tomorrow
and not dwell on yesterday

the full moon rising reminds me of romance when I'm with you,
and of werewolves when I'm not

the images of wrestling remind me of Sunday mornings with my grandfather and cousins,
and bruises from drop kicks gone awry before church

the sounds of the ice cream man
still make me call for my mom and ask her for a dollar
to get some cool delicious treats that normally ended up melting
because of the brain freeze slowed down the eating
by the time the brain thaw kicked in the “sugar high frozen for mass consumption”
had already melted

the sight and smell of roses shows me that all things beautiful have another side
and that usually you can reach them if you take the time to get to know them
and than realize that even the thorns can be beautiful

the sounds of keyboard keys remind me that I need to write more frequently

the sound of music makes me want to dance
than the sight of me dancing for some reason makes everyone else laugh
and that makes me dance harder and faster
because laughter is still the most beautiful music a man can make

the sounds of thunder make my heart race
my palms sweat
my desire grow
the smell of rain
the sound of rain
the images of rain
is a lot like life
fast and fleeting
longer than some and shorter than others
there are times its scary
and times its peaceful
there are times you're happy to see it
and times when you wish
"rain rain go away"

but mostly its like life.


Good day to all who read this...this is the translation for all my recent entries. I guess I’m telling you because soon it’s going to be written in other languages in their characters so now you'll know what it means. Well anyways I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, I thought it would be a cool thing to do. It’s basically a list of 100 things about me that you didn't know. While there are a few of you who know some of these things its a way for the rest of you to get to know here we go

1 I'm Mexican not Hispanic

2 I hate having short hair

3 my mom is one of my closest and best friends

4 my dad is not

5 I have many siblings but only call one my sister

6 my mom gave birth to her

7 I’m the older of 2 (by 12 years)

8 I love snow leopards

9 I’m at work right now

10 this is actually pretty hard to do

11 I’m also an uncle to a niece I’ve met once

12 I love Chinese food

13 I hate spicy food (no not the garlic kind, the melts your tongue kind)

14 I watch wrestling

15 I have since I was 5

16 I love to read

17 I love music

18 so far I've never been arrested

19 so far never had a ticket of any kind

20 I have a real respect for law enforcement they are just doing their jobs

21 I smoke

22 have smoked since I was 15

23 I started because I was bored at work

24 in my immediate family I’m the only smoker

25 smoked pot for the first time when I was 27

26 my virginity was lost at age 12

27 it is a regret

28 I am/was a father at 16.  I didn't know

29 the child was aborted

30 Tina told me almost 2 years later

31 I still hate her

32 that’s the age I currently am

33 I plan on changing that every year

34 I think Johnny Depp is beautiful and talented as an actor

35 no I’m not gay

36 Just that comfortable with myself

37 I hate facial hair

38 I hate shaving more

39 I know it is possible to cut your self with an electric shaver

40 I hate liars

41 I'm good at listening

42 I'm good at talking

43 I'm bad at patience

44 I like cartoons

45 I don't like it when people don't give them a chance

46 I hate people who tell me I’m not using my full potential

47 I love movies

48 I love Amy lee's voice (ask if you don't know)

49 I’ve had 9 girlfriends

50 in high school, I missed 223 days

51 I had to repeat my senior year

52 I graduated and hang my diploma proudly (although its at my moms)

53 I like Jack Daniels

54 he usually hates me the next day

55 I’m not religious

56 but I am spiritual

57 I’m going to have a cigarette now

58 I’m back

59 silence bothers me

60 I don't like crowds

61 I have a fear of ladders and heights

62 I love to laugh

63 I also cry

64 I never cheated on my most current ex

65 she's the only I never cheated on

66 I have a pet chinchilla

67 I want a Great Pyrenees

68 I love 80's hair bands (remember when they were called glam bands?)

69 hehehehehehe

70 I write poetry

71 I think its just ok

72 I like backstreet boys and n*synch

73 I love my job

74 I want to name my son Kyle Jeffery

75 I’ll probably never have children

76 this thought is a sad one

77 I want to get married some day

78 this also will probably never happen

79 I want to name my daughter Ryoko Nicole

80 I have 2 tattoos

81 I want many more

82 I’m easy to talk to

83 I’m easy to get along with

84 I’m impossible to live with

85 I love my car

86 I have no attention span for video games

87 except for Tetris

88 I was born on June 2nd 1972

89 I love driving to new places

90 I hate the city I live in

91 I’m 5'10" and overweight

92 for the first time ever, I’m living on my own

93 that's changing in a couple of days

94 I don't know if I’m keen on that idea

95 my smile is my best feature

96 I’m content right now

97 I don't believe in sharing, if it's mine, it’s mine

98 I never want to see Mexico

99 I’m fiercely loyal to my friends

100 the only reason I do this is because my friend Beverly had a blog site and I thought it was kind of cool, so I started one too. Thank you Bev

and with that

I still and will always remain

Jose AKA J2

ps although now you all know a little more about me  

Jun 24, 2004


an invading kiss

that rips into my skin,

you're lava like tongue

tracing my veins,

you're single tooth

leading me in a death dance,

not releasing me.

forever in your thrall.

holding me in your grasp,

an unrelenting need,

an reproachable hunger,

that makes me a prisoner,

in my own flesh.

your seduction complete.

like a cast iron grip

that scares my mind,

my body

and my soul,

if you ever leave me,

even for just a moment.

a longing left in me

by you,

my needle's kiss.

a desperation to feel...


anything at all.

Jun 22, 2004



ticks away
at the same speed,
second by second,
but when desire and wants
are added to the dance,
fleeting they are,
and forever they take.
time ticks away
at the same speed,
minute by minute,
but when like and love
are added to the dance,
there's never enough,
or it takes too long.
time ticks away
at the same speed,
hour by hour,
but when longing and yearning
are added to the dance,
that which remains
but for a brief time
and eternity stands permanent,
time ticks away
at the same speed,
never fast enough
and never long enough.


Jun 8, 2004


i took my first step today.

the same as i did tomorrow,

i tripped yet i stood up,
than got back down to fall again,

the sidewalk gets smaller the closer i converge,

i'm nearly to my destination,
only to realize i never left,

i looked down at the sidewalk,
only to see the sky looking up at me,

i was walking nowhere,
getting farther than ever before,

i was losing my sanity,
only to stay insane,

I took my first step today.

different than i did yesterday,

i walked off the sidewalk,
to find myself already there,

to ask myself

'what took you so long?'

only to respond 'i was found but now i'm lost',

i laughed at myself,

'you were caged, now you're free' i said,

'being free is frightening' was my reply,

'yeah it is' i answered 'but feeling "anything" is new to you',

'i felt things before' i countered,

'you never felt alive or free before' i retorted,

i took my first step today.

than i took my second.

than i took my third...

Jun 7, 2004


Who do you see,

my reflective twin,

my mirror self.

What do you see,

when you stare back at me?

Do you even like that person?

Or do you hate him?

Do you envy me?

Are you jealous because of my substance?

Or am I empty just like you,

flat and two dimensional,

with no real shape.

Am I just a reflection of you?

Am I the mirror image to your existence?

Do you see the person I used to be?

That angry man I used to be.

The child I pretend to be.

Or do you see me the way I am now?

Confused and questioning myself.

Am I living or existing?

Do you see the person I will soon become?

Do you pass judgment on where I’ve been?

Do you see a child, an adolescent, or an adult?

Do you see my joy, my anger, my tears my smile?

Do you know my soul, my heart?

Do you see me?

Do you care to see me?

That’s the question I ask of you, my reflection.

Who do you see when you look at me?

Are you only happy when I’m happy?

Are you only sad when I’m sad?

Do you only see me when I see you?

Or do I only see me when I see you?

Jun 3, 2004



it comes to me in a flash of light,

like a bolt of lightning,

dancing and cutting the darks skies.


like a raging inferno,

enveloping, scorching, searing,

melting and blistering my very essence.


wide-awake and attentive,

my insight to reality,

now vigilant and wary.



to the relevant and obscure.


everything makes sense.


absorbed to the banalities

of what isn't

and what won't be.


I find myself absent,

devoid and hollow.


I feel a longing,


so ravenous,

still craving and yearning for everything.

Yet, all is unobtainable,









and unattainable.


I feel so...alive.

Yet I am not yet born.


Jun 2, 2004


Hi one and all, Its my birthday and well its really early in the AM, so, I'll be back later to actually write. Thank you...buh bye 4 now.


May 10, 2004


Hello, hi, and howdy all you losers, freaks and geeks! You all be my peeps, my peers and my friends.

It's been an emotional tornado, a spiritual revitalization, and one damn confusing time. Now I know we've all been there, and some of us will go there again and again.

So just remember you're never alone, even when there's nobody there.

Now what philosophical gibberish am I spewing with the force of projectile vomit?

I have no clue. I never do. I think it I type it. It comes to me in this torrential wave of needing to say something yet never knowing what it is I have to say. I simply call it the "the bullshit world of Jose and my need to drag you all in".

Behind the mask of a higgledy-piggledy, topsy-turvy and slaphappy fool, lies the heart of a confused, scared, happy, sad and angry young man.

Unless you think 30-something is old than that last part changes to old man.

"I'm sorry everything I do is wrong, to you and, you do everything you can to make me feel subhuman".

But my story and life are as unwritten as that to-do list we always tell ourselves we're going to write. Or the New Years resolutions that we never intend to keep.

Confused yet?

It's OK, so am I. But that's cool, we're supposed to be confused. We're not supposed to know all the answers. We are supposed to be imperfect creatures.

Why? OK, here's why. If we know everything than how do we make ourselves a better people? If there is nothing to learn or tribulations to endure, we ourselves become a mere shadow of existence. Never truly alive or living. Just an empty silhouette of someone we have the potential to be, yet never achieving it.

But through the challenges of everyday life for example

  • waking up
  • talking to the person who you find attractive
  • roller blading for the first time
  • even just smiling at someone

it is through this simple yet minuscule challenges that make, define and stimulate the greater person you are destined to be. I like that about us humans. We have prove me wrong like you always do.

Apr 14, 2004


On this day I start a new life in the same way I started my “life.”

Kicking, screaming, surrounded by strangers, hoping someone will hold me and keep me safe.

I have come to terms with my fear of being alone. I slept in a bed knowing no one will be there when I wake up. I made dinner for one. I walked around my apartment looking at it for the first time. I walked around and thought to myself, “I no longer have a girlfriend who I have shared the last eight years with. I said 'goodbye' to that girl who I cared about and who I thought cared about me. Nor do I have a friend that was as close to me as a brother. Whose every word meant the world to me and who spoke the truth with absolute certainty.”

For the first time in nearly a decade, I am on my own, thinking my own thoughts and walking my own path. That's a pretty scary feeling when you see it coming and damn near paralyzing when it broadsides you. Although I am not dealing with the "Oh crap I'm lonely" fear, but the "wow, so where do I go from here" fear.

And, oddly, I'm OK with that.

My life's not over. It just rebooting. I think everyone has to hit the reboot once in a while to be able to embrace the world in all it's magnificent beauty and brutality. I stand here before you all and I'm doing it on my own terms. Naked, bare and stronger than ever before.

Just because I said goodbye doesn't mean that I hate her. All it means is that I know we won't be walking the same path together. But now and then our paths will cross as they are supposed to. Today I walk a path with a mission in my head and a quest in my soul. I intend to look for the person meant only for me. The person who will love me because of who I am. The person who will love me, even if I can't make dreams come true.

I will do all this while breathing. I'll take a deep breath in and I'll and breathe out. While placing one foot in front of the other. Taking one day at a time.

And I'll continue to do this until I'm no longer telling myself to do this. I'll keep doing this until I find that moment when I suddenly realize I'm not walking alone, and you are there. Matching me breath for breath and step for step.

Mar 28, 2004


I feel particularly rant-full today, being surrounded by stupid mother fuckers is driving me absolutely insane. Today I had the absolute pleasure of buying a lawn mower from your friendly neighborhood SEARS Lawn and Garden Center. What a bunch of anal cling-ons they are!

SECTION 1 (this is for customer service douche bags.)

Is it really hard to be happy at work? If you aren't happy don't take your shit out on me. I mean come on already. If I'm in a bad mood I sure as hell will try to keep you out of it. If you hate your job, and your job is dealing with people...well what can I say besides QUIT GODAMNIT, and stop wasting my time. There is no need to belittle the people who come to you for help. There's no need to be a pompous ass. How hard is it really, to say "I'm busy, can you give me a minute and I'll help you"? Or "sure you can borrow a pen but I need it back". Not hard at all!

SECTION 2 (this is for the customers of SEARS)

How hard is it to say "Thank you for getting the door", or "Excuse me for jabbing you in the crotch with my purse"? I'm not asking for dissertations. I'm not asking for a thesis on your PHD. I'm asking for simple consideration. I mean does anybody know the response for "thank you"? Or better yet does anyone know the precursor to the words "you're welcome"?

SECTION 3 (for all of us)

What happened to all of you? Did you all get kicked in the head? Or maybe now that we're older we can forget the niceties and polite conversations we we're forced to endure as children. When after getting a spanking you still had to say thank you. Or is it so hard to let someone finish what they are saying without interrupting? I mean it's not like anyone of us will ever run out of things to say. I mean we have movies, music, politics, romance, sex, lack of sex, who's single, who's going to be single soon, cars, woman, sex, how many times we had sex, who we wish we could have sex with (I'm a guy we talk about it all the time). So why can't we let the speaker finish his/her thought. It's not like they're going to use up all the good topics. Another thing why is it that no one ever listens to people anyway? How many times does someone ask a question only to have it answered with a bogus reply for example:

How you doing? Fine.

If you don't really want to know don't ask. If you don't want to answer say so.

Its easy people. Its not rocket science. Its simple communication skills.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is pay attention to who you are and what you say and how you say it. Its easy. Not hard at all. Just use the communication skills that you already have, which includes listening.

Feb 29, 2004


actually today a pseudo-poem came to my mind as i was sitting here thinking. yeah i know the poem is dumb.

it wasn't mean to be anything at all.

i was just kinda writing down some indiscriminate words and statements for future consideration and lo and behold the result.

so read and enjoy.

so here we go, have fun.

i sit and perceive in all things must be

a force much greater than me.

is it an unknown and future or destiny?

many reasons to question and doubt.

many reasons to scream and shout.

many reasons to laugh and cry.

many reasons to question who or why.

many reasons to accept, or deny,

answers to questions never spoken

hidden in ourselves, is a truth. a token

of who we really are and the reflection not broken.

I sit here and ponder these trivial things.

I sit here and wonder.

so I sit here and remain....

Feb 25, 2004


Have you ever notice that the moment before you get something dumped on you, you get one of these phrases barked (or cooed, depending on who's saying it)at you.

“There is no 'I' in team”...”take one for the team”...”it's all about teamwork”...”the team is right behind you”...”the team depends on you” or something similar to one of these phrases.

I find it hard to believe that I am doing anything with a team. If it is/was a team effort why am "I" all of a sudden responsible for the team? Where is the rest of the team? Why should "I" take one for the team, because there is 'no "I" in team!' But there is a "me" in team, along with meat and tame.

I sit here reflecting on that little word. I know it probably derives from ancient text that I should probably research, if I really cared that much to learn the etymology of the word, but I don't want to. But if you're just as lazy as me, we'll all just accept that the fact that the word "team" has a rich and beautiful history.

Back to my tirade, I realize "team" is the perfect word for patsy, sucker and weak-willed. It's a word perfectly designed to play on the fear of being an individual and alone.

Would you care for some proof?

OK, these are just observations that I have made over the years.

First of all...when I was in soccer (back then I was bamboozled into thinking I had to be a part of a team...... but I'm much better now) when the team was running the “end of practice” laps, the stars of the team made sure they were far out front and out pacing us insecure sheep.

When the running was done, the coach was there to tell us wheezing and gasping fodder, err i mean athletes, that we were weak and not supporting the team (but had anyone seen this particular display, five individuals were standing there smug, while the rest of the "team" was berated).

The coach than made this inspirational statement, which sparked the thought that became an idea that a few years later became this little space on the web.

"I need to see hustle the few can't carry the team, THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAM!!

Thats also when a smart-ass individual that would eventually evolve into the man typing on this particular keyboard, started to rear his ugly face. I was always accused of speaking before thinking. This would be one of those moments. I raised my hand and said "But coach there is a 'me' in team and without the 'me' there is no team.”

20 laps later I realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm not a "team" player. I eventually walked away from the game of soccer.

My story doesn't end there, though. A few years after that incident, I was working at Arby's, (the following scene would continue at every place of employment), and I was asked to cover a shift because someone called in sick. Normally, I would have said 'yes,' but this is one of those times that I had actually made some after work plans.

So I said "sorry I can't".

The statement that followed was simple and to the point. "You know Jose' we are a team here and as a team we do have to cover for each other".

Thats also when a smart-ass individual that was still evolving into the man typing on this particular keyboard, started to rear his ugly face. I was always accused of speaking before thinking. This would be one of those moments. I raised my hand and said "But Randy, you do know that there is a 'me' in team and without the 'me' there is no team.”

Three days later, after my suspension for insubordination, I was back at work, albeit with a chip on my shoulder. I would eventually be promoted TEAM leader (which is a nice way of saying Assistant Managers Bitch). In true Jose fashion, after I received the little plastic name tag with my name engraved into it, I looked at Randy and said "Randy, you do know that there is a 'me' in team and without the 'me' there is no team.”

That story still makes me chuckle.

As I bring this to an end, no, I am not a team player. Not being a team player means I take both credit and blame for all that "I" do. There may be no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in individual, intelligent and integrity. So stay true and be true to yourself.

Feb 23, 2004


"Mother is the name of God on the lips and hearts of all children." -Eric Draven from the Motion Picture "The Crow"

I heard it the other day for the millionth time and I thought "That's so true!!!" So, I figured I'd write it down. This would be a pretty powerful sentiment, that sometimes as we get older, cranky and senile, we tend to overlook the biggest things in our life, that take up the littlest spaces.

Feb 2, 2004


Here's a warning to all of us who partake in the slacker lifestyle. Big brother is, indeed, watching, and getting excited!

My boss once asked me why I didn't finish the paperwork that the previous shift left behind.

I looked at him and asked, “Excuse me?”

“Jose, I was just wondering why you didn't finish the second shift paperwork, I mean you do work third shift, and you do have a lot of down time don't you?”

“No Clyde, I do not. Between the normal third shift duties, which includes washing the towels for the unit, you also put me in charge of ordering the clothes and sundries for the kids and the cleaning supplies and extra sundries for the unit. I also get all the paperwork ready for the week, reorder the progress sheets, and get the menu ready. Don't forget that you also wanted me to make sure the dish sink and the bathroom sinks were clean and had soap at them. Let's add 2-3 bed checks every hour, and since last night was Wednesday, I also had to make sure the bed sheets were washed, dried and folded. Plus you want me to make sure the office stays clean. So NO CLYDE, I did not have any down time.”

So he left a note in our communication book. Which is a notebook that most of the employees don't ever fill out much less read. Saying each shift had to take care of their own paperwork. Which pretty much means I now have no more extra responsibilities.

Now what Clyde did not know was that everything I said I had to do I could pretty much do in about 3-4 hours.

So what exactly did I do with my down time?
I would watch DVDs on the Playstation 2. I would go through 2-3 DVDs a night.

I watched X-files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and every bad film Burt Reynolds was in from Smokey and the Bandit to Stroker Ace. I had access to technology that could play DVDs, so I watched DVDs.

If I forgot to rent some DVDs for the night, I played video games on the PS2. I would play the most current version of FINAL FANTASY or GTA. I borrowed the game and now I got to show off how much I absolutely suck at playing them.

Of course if I wasn't in the mood for either of those slacker addictions there was always the INTERNET.

I know some of you need and use the Internet for appropriate reasons, and some of them are even good reasons.

Not me.

If I wasn't looking at (ahem, cough, cough) type of sites I would be using yahoo messenger. That's how I kept in touch with my best friend. I would read on line comics and write on my blog (which became a daily activity).

That was what this slacker did when there was no one around. I bet my boss would be angry if he ever read this.

Jan 7, 2004


It’s a brisk Wednesday morning, and I just returned home from a long night at work, a quick stop at Wal-Mart and Bath and Body Works.

Now, you're asking yourself, why? Well let me tell you true believer. Let me tell you why this was such an important moment in this aging dog's life.

I was horrified and shocked that last night after my daily cleansing rituals, a revelation was made. I had no clean socks or boxers!

I asked my girlfriend at the time the most innocent and harmless of questions (in other words put my size 12's firmly in my “quick to ask slowly to think...of consequences” mouth).

That little insignificant question was... "Why haven't you done laundry yet, because I got no clean socks or boxers?"

The response to my rhetorical question was a thunderous



Needless to say, no sooner had I spoken those words that the reality of my first statement hit me. Than the reality of my second statement hit me. I never said I was a genius. But in true male fashion I stuck to my erroneous words. Of course the only thought that was permeating through the throbbing brain was "Aw SHIT".

As my exclamation hung in the air, I could actually hear her synapses firing in her brain. I stood there quietly.

In a calm and serene voice she says “Do your own damn clothes.” I was calculating the depth of the pile of fecal matter I was currently in s she walked past me and down the stairs.

Since I was getting ready for work I had no time to do laundry. I would have to wait till after my shift to be able to do laundry.

Work, on this particular evening was unusually busy and very stressful, so afterwards I was not in the mood nor did I have the energy to do laundry.

So I did what any pig-headed, tired stressed and just got paid guy would do. I went to Wal-Mart, and bought 2 packs of socks and 3 packs of underwear.

Hey, it's cool I know I'm in the wrong, but the ego of the alpha male/hunter/provider/and any other testosterone filled word that describes men at their most stupid, won't admit it...out loud.

Oh Yeah did I mention that I also bought some flowers and chocolates and a gift certificate from Bath and Body Works.

Yes, I know its bribery, but it's better than the cold shoulder and the "Mad 'X' of no entry" (just in case some of you have no clue what that is, it means I get denied access to the holiest of holies).

So now its time for me to finish this and grovel (and if my groveling skills are up to par I might get some afterwards).