Mar 31, 2010


MARCH IN REVIEW...through facebook status updates

Well hello and Good day to all my friends, cohorts and those undecided, today I'm smooth like a diaper...the same diaper that traps my nephews hind side emissions, which upon first sniff makes you think there's a present waiting but it's just a false eye burning, gag reflex inducing false alarm.

Just had a random thought...Most of you know that Kermit the Frog does a YAY! and then flails his would he be the original "fist pump"er?

How to NOT build self esteem...
MOM: Son, don't have children....
ME: Huh? Where did that come from?....
MOM: Promise me....
Me: Why?....
MOM: I don't want to have to explain your "stupid" genes, to yet another generation.

Hello my friends, cohorts and those still undecided, Today I am smooth like Steven Seagal...Under Siege (the original and only the original) Steven Seagal NOT Steven Seagal: Lawman (the TV series) Steven Seagal.

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Just looked out the window and noticed the sky is blue. Scared me a little...then I remembered it's SUPPOSED to be that color. Been a while" Christopher Golden

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "In this crazy topsy turvy world no one will give a hill of beans what my score was on Atari's Tempest...but it was dang high" Dan Christensen

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Dear LA Drivers, Not letting me into your lane doesn't mean u will get there faster. It means you're a douche. Love, Black Prius" Alyssa Milano

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer." Wil Wheaton

Hello my friends, cohorts and those yet I am smooth like 80's rock hair...sure it helped put a hole in the ozone layer...but you gotta admit them do's were just EPIC!!!

Is it strange that I miss sitting around a table pretending to be an elf, while wolfing down cheap pizza, Jolt Cola and hoping to god that the orc doesn't kill me??

You know you're getting old when people who are half your age can smoke legally...and have been able to for 6 months

You know you're getting old when people who are half your age can purchase those magazines and videos your parents never wanted you to see...

You know you are getting old when people who are half your age, you can legally date...esp when you can meet them in pubs...THANKS SYNDI

The Soundtrack for tonight's misbehaving is The Devil You Know by Econoline Crush -

Awesome Quote of the Moment - “What is kinky? Something with kinks or twists. Well that’s all of us, isn’t it? It’s just a matter of finding who fits with your kinks." Amber Peach

"Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks." Lazarus Long

Hello my friends cohorts and those still undecided, Today I'm smooth like a cigarette smoking cat, What? Don't Judge Me! I didn't teach it!

May your day be filled w/ the sounds of laughter, the promise of hope & blessed with friendships both new & old. Until our paths cross again

You know you are getting old when your favorite song only gets played on the "classic rock" stations.

You know you are getting old when you realize that the day you graduated high school, most of the kids graduating high school now were born

You know you're getting old when you see a concert t-shirt from a show you went to, worn by someone who wasn't even born yet, looking brand new & they're not available in adult sizes

You know you're getting old when you can remember buying albums and cassettes before the mandatory "Parental Advisory" stickers.

You know you're getting old when you can remember buying albums and cassettes

You know you're getting old when you can remember the last time a fashion trend was popular....thanks Michelle

You know you're getting old when you hear the phrase "What do you wanna do with your life?" And the first answer that pops into your head is "I wanna rock!"

You know you're an 80's child if you were ever afraid to eat Pop Rocks and drink Pepsi, fearing your stomach would burst from the reaction

You know you're an 80's child if you fully understand the the significance and the need for 1.21 gigawatts of electricity

You know you're an 80's child if you know who Meat Tuperello and where he's from.

You know you're an 80's child if you know who Johnny 5 is...

You know you're an 80's child if you know the significance of "$2.00 dollars, I want my $2.00 dollars"

You know you're an 80's child if you associate Peter Gabriel with rain and boom boxes..

You know you're an 80's child if you know not to touch what belongs to One Eyed Willie...

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised." Justin Halpern's Dad

You know you're an 80's child if you wondered what white bread with butter, Cap'n Crunch and Pixie Stix as a sandwich would taste like

The soundtrack for tonight's festivities is Naveed by Our Lady Peace

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "I Don't give a flyin **ck besides how would I If my arms were flappin?" Sally DElla

Hello friends, cohorts & those undecided, Today I'm smooth like a Cherry Coke I mean a diet Cherry Coke, WAIT, an ice cold diet Cherry Coke,

Hello friends, cohorts & those undecided, Today I'm smooth like the velvety tones of crooner Micheal Bolton's tender & emotional music, waiting for a punchline, huh? There isn't one, I happen to like Mr Bolton's music. I know, let the ridicule begin...

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Rush Limbaugh says if Health Care Reform passes, he's moving to Costa Rica. Isn't that reason enough to vote "yes?" Christopher Golden

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "We live in such a strange world. We just love to put everyone into little boxes with labels on them. Gets us off." Amber Benson

You know you had awful parents growing up...if they let you, drink from the hose as a kid.

You know you had awful parents growing up...if you were "grounded outside" during the Summer.

You know you had awful parents growing up...if they let you ride your bike without a helmet, knee pads or elbow pads.

You know you had awful parents growing up...if you were more worried about coming home with ripped jeans then you were about the gash on your leg.

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "If you get out of the chase, you will never finish your journey much less win the race." Jim 'JR' Ross

Hello friends, cohorts & those undecided, Today I'm smooth like Watermelon Jolly Ranchers...because they are yummy...and when I say yummy I MEAN YUMMY!!!...

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Oxygen is a privilege, not a right." Warren Ellis

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first." Justin Halpern's Dad

Awesome Quote of the Moment (if you're a wrestling fan) - "Just got back from the hospital my daughter suffered her 1st concusion ran head first into bday present bunk bed ladder.she is hardcore now" Tommy Dreamer

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "To absent friends, lost loves, old Gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." Neil Gaiman

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Dumbest thing I've seen all day: a Master lock on a plastic chain." Amber Benson

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Deep Thought of the Moment - I'm trying to figure out which is more unnerving, being remembered or being forgotten...

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

I mean, when I was a kid, Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

I mean, when I was a kid, there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons

I mean, when I was a kid, there were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to walk, ride a bike, get a ride to the record store and shoplift it yourself.

Awesome Quote of the Day - "If I say "he's a good friend" I mean: he can see me in the morning without make-up. Variations: he can see me in a bikini, no tan or playing video games" Elizabeth Banks

Cougartown is the best comedy on TV! That show is 15 shades of awesomeness and 10 shades of brilliant stuffed in an amazing comedic taco!!!!

Happy Cinqo de Mayo! errr I mean Arbor Day! oops I mean Happy Sweetest Day? wait is it Secretary's Day? Oh It's St. Patrick's\ Day...YAY!!!!

Awesome Quote of the Day - "I have slept with irish girls & been to ireland which makes me more irish than 99% of the fucks celebrating st paddys today" Warren Ellis

I am so tired of not being able to sleep like a normal person...this 2 hours at a crack is killing me...

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Mmmm....Coffee - Ahhh....Doggie snuggles - Grrr....Medicine" Mickie James

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Four wheelin' is always fun! But the guy at the car wash is gonna hate me." Kevin Fowler

Guide to changing your own life: Realize it’s possible, instead of telling yourself why you can’t.

Become aware of your self-talk. Squash negative thoughts like a bug. Replace them with positive thoughts.

Love what you have already. Be grateful for your life, your gifts, and other people. Every day.

Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t. Don’t compare yourself to others. But be inspired by them.

Accept criticism with grace. But ignore the naysayers. See bad things as a blessing in disguise. See failure as a stepping stone to success.

Surround yourself by those who are positive. Complain less smile more. Image that you are already positive. Then become that person in your next act

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "I am manfully fighting the urge to unscrew people's heads and check inside their brain-caves for bad wiring" Warren Ellis.

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "You know I learned that my girlfriend monitors Twitter so I can't ask girlfriend advice here without paying for it." Dan Christensen

Sweet Baby Jesus why?? Didn't you suffer enough the first time around? Heck I try to ignore myself at least 4-5 times a day....Heh...Heh heh...

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Ke$ha was atrocious on Idol this week. What a brutal season. Please comeback Obi Wan Kelambert-u are our only hope..." Chris Jericho

I have two open slots available...and for some reason that just sounds so dirty...

Yeah!!! What heather, kris and angel just said...Amen

Heh...I'm the Batman...but not the cool Adam West Batman...instead I'm the Christian Bale Batman...

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Psst...Orlando Bloom is sitting at the table next to me at dinner...I feel like we are having dinner together...Except we're not..." Julie Benz

I saw 15 kids lined up at Wal-mart to get The Twilight movie that comes out at midnight...which is no big deal because these are the same kids who hang out at Wal-mart at midnight anyway...

Regarding Paramount remaking "The Monster Squad" - NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Unless it's awesome. I mean Avatar/Serenity/Matrix/Lord of the Rings awesome. Otherwise HANDS OFF HOLLYWOOD!!!!!!

If we're 90% sure we did nothing wrong. Why do we spend so much energy worrying about the remaining 10%. It's like were wired to feel guilty

How petty & sensitive R we getting when a social network application can cause problems between the people who R supposed to be your friends

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "Everyone in life is gonna hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain." Erica Baican

Bobby Hill is preaching against fornicating...LMAO

Hello cats and kittens...oh wait that's someone elses greeting...what I meant to say is...Hello friends and cohorts and those undecided today I'm smooth like a pick up line
Me: Hello, Nice weather huh?
Her: I'm a lesbian, I'm married, I have herpes, and you're ugly
Me: huh?
Her: Just covering all my bases

Awesome Quote of the Moment - “Celebrate your success and stand strong when adversity hits, for when the storm clouds come in, the eagles soar while the small birds take cover” Anonymous

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "And I thought, wow Nordstrom has really gone down hill. Then I realized I was inside JCPenny." Emma Caulfeild

Hello friends and cohorts and those undecided today I'm smooth like..Sugar. Spice. And everything Nice.These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little boy. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction... Chemical X. Thus the Powerpuff Boy were born! Using their ultra-superpowers Jose has dedicated his life to fighting crime and the forces of evil.

Hello my friends, cohorts and those still undecided, Today I am yuletide bliss...only 9 more shopping months till Christmas...I like books and DVD's :D

It's official, my brain is for the most part useless, I had to dig out the yearbook to start putting names with faces...

Hey I'm mean...yeah...that means I can go put on my pleather jacket, and sing and dance like those bad apples from West Side story...cuz they were tough street hombres...Yeah I'll be a jet...all this because I can be mean today...

Awesome Quote of the moment - "Before I go to work. All you people out there you have permission to kick ass today.. no need to take names just kick ass." Dan Christensen

Greetings my friends, cohorts and those still undecided, today I'm a Ken Doll...and it's also embarrassing knowing that doll is hung better than I am...:( Heh

Awesome Quote of the Moment - "I REFUSE to see negativity...lets all do it and conquer! World is gettin scary enough without us adding negativity to it!" Torrie Wilson

Here's a thought for you...if you were a dessert what would you be?? (do you think we can keep this at least PG rated...thanks)

Hola amigos please click-o on the elite-o guard-o so we can go and kick-o some mucho butt-o... Thanks

I'm the one with the girlie hand gesture...*reaching into wallet and taking out man card* useless piece of crap, have to keep giving it away, because of stupid man card rules...

Hello friends, cohorts and those still undecided. Today I am smooth like a cue ball...and they itch!!! Stupid razor burn!!! Stupid little razor bumps!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

I am not a smart man...nor am I a wise man...isn't having a Spy Museum counterproductive to their profession?????

I have come to the conclusion that I have the coolest friends on the planet!!! Thank You people for making this place not only tolerable but a joy to be in it!!!!

How many of you really know all of the people on your friend list? I mean personally know? Here's a task for you. I want all of the people on my list to post how they met me. After you have completed this, re-post this in your status box. You will be amazed at what you read...

Mar 30, 2010


I wish you could see, the vision that stands before me.

I wish you could see her through my eyes.

I wish you could see what I see.

That you could feel the comfort and peace she creates, just by being near.

Then you could see her unyielding strength.

When the world, puts more and more on your shoulders,

you may stumble, but keep on fighting to stand erect.

You could see her as she continues to move forward.

No matter how many obstacles are thrown at your feet.

No matter how many people try to trip you up and drag you down,

You keep fighting for every step.

When you smile, it comes with such a brilliance, it chases the darkness away.

When you laugh, it's infectious and intoxicating, it's pure and genuine.

And those who share in it, can feel the joy straight to their soul.

You would be able to see the heart you wear on your sleeve.

Filled with love and with pain.

Overflowing with joy and with sadness.

You could look into your own eyes and you could see how you look at me.

You could feel how you make me feel and you make me feel beautiful.

And you could feel how scary it is.

When someone can look at you the way you've never looked at yourself.

You could see how I see you.

Then you could see the vision that stands before me.

I wish you could see, the vision that stands before me.

Mar 29, 2010



The following year, a friend was going to celebrate his birthday and he didn't know where he wanted to go. Another friend suggested Hooters of course this was the hands down favorite among the guys.

I had never been to a Hooters and neither had the birthday boy. He hemmed and hawed about not wanting to be surrounded by strippers (which of course made me to gasp out in surprise, 'who DOESN'T want to be surrounded by strippers?' I remembered the Dino episodes, of course, but I kept those horror stories to myself.). Being one of the more vocal member of of our particular little clan of "party animals" (said with more sarcasm than Hollywood has silicone), I talked it up like I was seasoned pro and, finally convinced him that into having his celebration among the buxom beauties in orange by saying I would pay for him.

His birthday was two weeks away. That means I had less than 14 days to actually go there, so I could act the part of the above mentioned season pro.

I was caught in my web of deceit (who didn't see THAT coming?). Since I had never been to a Hooters, I needed someone to go there with. I couldn't ask the "party animals" because they had all been there when I said how awesome it was, and to ask them would expose me to ridicule. I know it would have been deserved, but like most men, I just didn't want to hear about it.

I convinced my friend Mike to come with me. Yes, the same Mike from the Cheetahs debacle. Because he was a long time friend, I told him about my predicament. He agreed to go, but I had to pay for him.

Which basically means I was committed to treating two people, to a place I have never been to and not knowing what to expect.

That weekend, Mike and I headed to Hooters.

Upon entering, I was greeted with all of these pictures and posters of all these lovely and "blessed" women garbed in tight white t-shirts and orange shorts.



I did not notice the Hostess.  There was a young girl wearing a white polo shirt who stood by the inside door though.

During this moment in time I was 26-27 years old, and this girl looked like she was 16, so I took her for the busboy...ahh I mean busgirl. When she asked us "How many in your party?" I was a bit stunned. Mike answered "Just us, and we would like smoking."

She said "Well follow me."

I asked her "Umm, just how old are you?"

She replied "I just turned 18."

"Oh OK."  That was all I could say.

Let me explain why anything ending in "teen" unnerves me so much.

For the first 12 1/2 years of my existence I was an only child. Except for every other weekend. That's when my step-brother would stay with us, but I really don't count that. At age 12 1/2 my sister came into the world.

Now if we fast forward the years when I am 26-27 years old my baby sister would be 14-15 years old. Which makes 18 years old look awful young.


This age discrepancy has ruined a whole lot of things for me. Like Playboy. It's so disturbing to see girls who are the same age or younger than my baby sister, displayed for the whole world to see. It makes me feel like a "perverted old man." When Smallville started some of the "party animals" made comments about Allison Mack and Kristen Kreuk (both 19 years old at the time playing the part of a 16 year olds), being so "HOT!" and it just creeped me out.


So the youngling sat us and after a few minutes our waitress approached the table.

Here was yet another "teen."

We ordered a pitcher of beer, a burger for yours truly, and Mike had the hot wings.

As I looked around I noticed a small trend. None of the girls here looked like slightly more mature women in the photos from the lobby. Most of them would definitely fit into the "awww isn't she cute" (said in the tone normally reserved for puppies and small children) category.

I looked at the patrons of the restaurant leering and gawking and thought to myself "Yes sir God, we are all going to hell, and I'll lead the way."

Our food arrived very quickly, which was a god thing because the faster we ate, the faster we could get out of there.

The food was OK.  Nothing at all to brag about.

I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.  I felt like a dirty old man.

Knowing I would be back in a week, made me feel even dirtier.


Mar 28, 2010



A few years after the "Belly and the Bottle" incident at the Spot, I decided to see if things had changed at all.

Yes, I am a glutton for punishment.

No, I am not a fast learner.

I asked my girlfriend at the time (after this I will refer to her as "the ex") if she wanted to go with me.  She completely surprised me by saying "Why not.  This way I can see what the big deal with strip clubs is all about."

We went to the Spot, but somethings had changed.

The place had been bought, remodeled, renamed and the talent had been upgraded.  I was shocked, to say the least.

The Spot-lite had been turned into a pretty decent establishment.  It was clean.  I forgot to mention previously that hygiene and cleanliness was not that big on the Spot's list of must do activities.  It actually had a stage, well it was more of a riser but, still technically a stage.  The bar itself was a separate entity, where the fear of getting a stripper heel in your drink or knocking over an ash tray was no longer a concern

It had about 75 or so patrons of all legal age groups.

There were nine dancers and not a single scar or "belly covering thong" was present.  They were all attractive and could actually dance.

The two bartenders were both young and very good at their trade.  Which means I did not have to wait for a single drink.  I was thinking "Well alright.  My bad strip club mojo has finally ended."  (Ironically, the next strip club I would go to would end up to be, and still is, my favorite place for my 3B's.  Boobies, beers, and burgers.)

The ex and I find a seat at the bar with a good view of the stage, when one of the dancers comes over and starts talking to us.

Besides one of the bartenders and the exotic dancers, the ex was the only female in there.  I jokingly said, "You're the only girl in here not getting paid."  The ex did not find that funny, but I was giggling like a ten year old who hears the teacher say penis.

The dancer asked us the usual questions that dancers ask as they non-verbally demand their tip.

Her - "How are you guys doing?"

Me - "I'm good and yourself?"  I learned from my B & B Adventure with Mike that being polite and using manners is always a good way to start a conversation with a half nekkid lady that you just met.

The ex - "Fine."

Her - "Did/are you enjoying the show?"

Me - "We walked in at the tail end of your routine, so we didn't really catch it."  I learned from Dino, that if you say that to the dancer, it's a "get out of tipping" comment.  Usually reserved for the ones who did not put on a good performance, or if you REALLY did just walk in.

The ex - "Sorry, I was to busy looking for an open bar spot."

Her - "Is this your first time here?"

Me - "Well I was here when it was just the Spot, but the place looks great now."  I learned from Dino, always compliment the establishment.  You never know if you'll be back, or if you'll run across the same dancer at another establishment.

The ex - "Yes.  I wanted to see what the big deal with strip clubs was."

Her - "Well I'll be back on stage in about an hour, I hope you stick around."

Me - "Well my calender is clear."  Insert laugh here.

The ex - "I guess."

So we sat there, drinking our alcoholic beverages of choice and another dancer came around after her set to non-verbally demand her tip and, she pretty much asked the same questions with the exception of the "back on stage" comment.

The answers stayed more or less the same.

Next thing I know the first dancer sits next to the ex and starts talking to her.  They are laughing and talking which results in yours truly able to enjoy the current performer on the stage.

For some unknown reason I get this feeling, like something isn't kosher.

The dancer and the ex are still deep in conversation.  Yet my spider sense is tingling.

The current dancer finishes her set, and does the walk around.  She get's to the area where the ex, the first dancer, and I are sitting and she joins in their conversation.

She gets her tip.

Looks at me and goes "Hi."

Me - "Hello.  So are you having a good night?"

Her 3 - "It's pretty good."


I give her the tip.

Her 3 - "Thank you."

Me - "You're..."

She walks to the next eager patron.

Me - "welcome."

That funny feeling I had before, is starting to become I wait and see if it happens again.

Dancers 4, 6, and 8 all ask the usual questions.

Dancers 5, 7, and 9 do not.

I glance over at the ex and notice that she and dancer 1 are still talking.

Then the light bulb finally illuminates those dark crevices of thought.

The motions, the laughs, the hair twirling, the glancing touches, I know I have seen this all before.  It's the things that girls who are flirting do.

I wave the bartender over, order a drink and I casually ask him "So five of the dancers are lesbians aren't they?"

Bartender - "Uh yeah, five of the girls ARE gay."

Me - "The one talking to the ex is too, isn't she?"

Bartender - "Yeah, she is."  Insert bartender laugh.

Her - "I gotta get ready for my set."

The ex - "OK."

Dancer 1 leaves.

Me - "The ex, you do realize she's been flirting with you."

The ex - "What?!"

Me - "Ask the bartender."

The ex - "Is she...?"

Bartender - "Yeah"  Insert bartender laugh...again "She is."

And you can see the realization come across the ex's face.

The ex - "Jose, we ARE leaving now."

Me - "Umm OK."

Why was there an "umm" moment?  Because it dawned on me, that the ex was getting hit on, and I was chopped liver.  The ex was getting real flirt action, while your unsung hero, wasn't even getting fake flirt action.  Which is quite a massive blow to the frail male ego.

I have never returned to the Spot/Spot-lite.


Mar 27, 2010



A few years later (six to be precise) Dino would come to the land of Miller Beer, cheese heads and brats (the sausage not, the unruly kids) for a week in the summer.  By then yours truly finally had some drinking and strip club experience under his belt and remembering the filthy little hovel that Dino had taken me to so many years earlier, I had devised a plan.  Well, OK, it was more like revenge, but come the end of the day I knew he would get the joke.  HEH!

There was this place called The Spot, and it was a horrid little place, with overpriced beers (even by strip clubs standards) and lackluster performers (of the unattractive and out of shape sort).  How did I find this place?  Let me share this story.


My friend Mike was on leave from the army during Christmas and we decided to go to see some boobies.  I only knew where one club was, so Mike decided to look in the phone book to see if there were others in the area.

I did not know that strip clubs advertised in the phone book.  For some reason I found that bit of information completely hilarious.  As I am typing this I am still giggling about that.

We ripped out the page that had the listings and went on this quest for beer and breasts.  The first place we went to was a place called Heart Breakers.  It was just like the Motley Crue's "Girls Girls Girls" video but it was so crowded that it took forever to get a beer.  I am the kind of guy that if I have to wait for a beer, it's an automatic rejection from me.

I know that there were breasts being shimmied and exposed but if I have to wait five minutes for a beer, well that's just unacceptable.  After about an hour we went to the next place on our B & B Adventure.

We arrived at a place called Cheetahs.

There was this moment while we were walking through the Lincoln Town car and Cadillac filled parking lot that I had a feeling that this may not be such a wise decision.  We approached this very nondescript building and all kinds of alarms were going off in my head, BUT I was committed.

At the door, there was a list of rules.  No Beepers, no fur, no sport caps, no guns/knives/brass knuckles (this one made me very VERY concerned), and no use of illegal drugs.  I looked at Mike and he just shrugged his shoulders and said "How bad can it be?"

We opened the door, and I honestly saw the biggest black man I have ever seen.  And by biggest I meant 6'9" - 6'10" and had arms bigger than my thighs, without flexing.  He looked at us...pulled out a hand held metal detector and proceeded to metal detect us.  During this I was watching his arms get bigger and bigger.  He saw me staring, grinned and made a muscle.  He flexed his muscle and I kid you not, his arm doubled in size.

He asked us if we were going to make any trouble and in that instant I remembered every bit of courtesy and good manners my mother had ever taught me and I honestly replied in a very meek voice "No sir, I promise you will get no problems from me."

He laughed and said "Have a good time boys."

In that same meek voice I said "Yes sir, anything you say."

He laughed again, we paid the cover charge and he told us that they have a two drink minimum and then he opened the second door.

Before I get to the actual experience inside this establishment, I have to describe Mike and myself during this time period.  Mike was one of those guys who is very white, like Larry Byrd white, with a military haircut.  More or less he looked pretty clean cut.

I was still emulating Nikki Sixx.  I was this Mexican with long ratty/spiky hair, hoop earrings, and black eyeliner.

OK, you have those images in your head?  Good.

Mike and I walked in the second door.  Where I was witness to another dive, and a dive whose entire clientèle, employees and dancers were all African Americans.

Mike was leading the way, and they gave him this cursory glance, but when their peepers got a hold of me, the glaring and dirty looks commenced immediately and would continue for the 35 minutes we were there.  I was the one who was on the receiving end of the cold (as in iceberg cold) and unwelcome glares.  Needless to say I had never finished the 2 drink minimum in under five minutes before that particular evening.  That night I also found out I had the super human ability to have 6 beers and 4 or 5 shots in 35 minutes.  Not even the dancers came by me.  The only person who treated me somewhat decently was the bartender.

35 minutes came and went and we we're on our way.

Next we went to The Spot.  I was in there for a couple of minutes and I had flashbacks to my Juarez experience, and I thought to myself if Dino ever comes up to visit I'm bringing him here. (I'll be going into details about this establishment during the "REVENGE" portion of this blog)

The night ended there, thankfully.  I didn't know how many more disappointing strip clubs I could endure.


Six or so months later, Dino was here.  I suggested we should go out for drinks, and that I had found this awesome place he would just absolutely love.  Since Dino and I are very alike, he wholeheartedly agreed.  I again did my Nikki Sixx emulation process, and Dino did his "going out" getup which is best described as part Guido and part Goth.

We got there around 9 P.M. which for strip clubs is usually the time when it starts to get busy.

The Spot was hopping.  When we walked in we doubled the clientele.  There were these two old guys who were playing cards with the bartender who looked like Crazy Cooter from the Dukes of Hazzard but nowhere near as friendly.

We both take a seat at the bar just as one of the the dancers hits the stage.

The stage was a piece of construction beauty.  It was a part of the bar with extensions to make it about 6' by 9' with a pole in the middle.  The bar was one of those oblong things, so when a dancer is done with her routine, she actually walks around to collect tips on the bar itself.

The performer was sheer magic.  She had a beer belly.  Not the cute little belly that some girls have.  It was the kind that actually hid part of her thong.  She also had some less than flattering scars and an unfinished and faded belly tattoo that was supposed to be a unicorn, but now kind of looked like a bull (I know this because I asked her).

After her routine, she did the bar walk.

She got to where Dino and I were sitting and she took an immediate liking to Dino.  She was flirting and making small talk with my cousin.

She asked him where he was from.

He said Dallas.

She said (and folks I can't make this up) "So where's that?  Is it in Wisconsin?"

I started laughing, and Dino had this incredulous look on his face.

He said "No, it's in Texas."

She said "Wow, there's a Dallas WI, and a Dallas TX, that's incredible."  Then she picked up his bottle of beer, licks the bottle seductively, places it in between her breasts (while resting it on the previously mentioned beer belly) starts dancing with it, let's go of her breasts and shimmies and shakes with this "licked" beer bottle resting on her belly.

I tip her for her hard work, and Dino just sits there watching her as she puts his beer back down on the bar.  He tips her.  She walks around the bar and looks back at Dino and blows him a kiss.  Afterwards she walks into the back room.

My cousin immediately pulls out his wallet, puts a buck on the bar and tells me "We're getting the fuck out of her...RIGHT NOW!!"

I ask why he's not finishing his beer.  He physically shudders and just walks out the door.

I bust out laughing and follow him out.

He asks me "Why the hell did you bring me here?"

"Do you remember the place you took me to in Juarez?  Consider this payback.  Which makes us even."

He just stares at me, then punches me in the sternum, starts laughing and says "You're right, we are so even."

Yes, it's true folks, sometimes revenge is best when it served cold.  Or at least when it's served by a scary looking chick, who licks bottles.  Heh.

Mar 26, 2010



In my previous blog I just totally flaked out. The closing paragraph read as such...

"Later that year my cousin would take me to Hooters and to Juarez, Mexico. Where again disappointment would rear it's ugly head. But that's a story for later."

Yet, this is how it was supposed to read:

"Later that year my cousin would take me to Juarez, Mexico, where again disappointment would rear it's ugly head, and the tale of my first time at Hooters. But that story comes later.

Sorry for the confusion.

I guess one could safely say that I can't proofread for crap.  Anybody know any proofreaders and/or editors who would be willing to see me slaughter the English language, and then try and help me fix it?  Volunteers and people who work for cheap (Free) just message me...thanks.
(Yeah this is actually kind of serious)

Since that particular snafu is cleared up, let's continue down the highway that leads to Disappointment 2...

Later that year the family and I headed down to El Paso, TX for a summer vacation.

Because heading down to Texas in the middle of summer is always a brilliant EFFIN idea.

I guess waiting for spring, late fall or even winter was completely out of the question.  Instead we went down in the middle of summer.  Which is akin to standing in the path of a "Flaming Broccoli Fart Coming From The Bowels Of Hell!!!"

My cousin Emilio (Emmy) had all these things planned out that we would be doing as a family and as house guests.

My cousin Dino, of course, had other plans.

Dino, who is three years old than yours truly, has always had a bit of a wild streak in him. This encounter would be no different.

But I am getting way ahead of myself. First I have to tell you about the trip itself.

We drove to El Paso, TX from Waukesha, WI.

"We" consisted of mom, step-dad, step-bro, half sister (who was still small and young enough to require a car seat) and of course, your unsung hero...Me!

We would travel by Pontiac Phoenix.

A Pontiac Phoenix, that's what 5 people endured a cross country trek in.

A Pontiac Phoenix who during the course of this trip, we needed to get a tire, because the retread was falling apart, before we even got out of IL.

A Pontiac Phoenix who decided that this would be the most opportune time to have the air conditioner malfunction to the point of needing to be replaced.

A Pontiac Phoenix who decided on the return trip, that this would be an opportune moment to have the "replaced" air conditioner caused the car to over heat...3 times.

If it wasn't for the portable cassette player I brought along, I would have killed someone.

If Poison, Whitesnake, Ratt and Motley Crue had not been on this trip, there would have been a headline somewhere that said "Teenager Kills Family - Blames it on "The M****R F*****G air conditioner!"

The 1500+ mile (straight) venture into what was quickly becoming my very own personal hell.  Then we arrived in El Paso.

If it wasn't the car working against us, Mother Nature decided to join in the fun.  Amid downpours that caused us to cease all forward movement and  coyote's doing suicide sprints across the interstate, some higher power did NOT want us to get to El Paso.

We would be spending the week at my aunt's home.

As I previously mentioned Emmy would be our tour guide/host for the week.

Emmy was already there with his wife when the Phoenix limped in from it's ordeal on the Highways and Interstates of America.

Dino showed up roughly 2 hours later.

Emmy and step-dad took the car to the garage so that the repairs could be made.

Step-bro and I decided to jump into the pool to get rid of the "Been in a car too long" funk and mom, aunt and sis were in air conditioned splendor.

After a  few hours Emmy and step-dad returned and the Phoenix with a new AC and 4 brand new tires.

Emmy informed us that we were going to go to Carlsbad Caverns the next day.

 (yay...another 150+ miles in that damn car...effin...yay).

Dino asked me if I wanted to hang with him and one of his buds.

16 year old kid asked to hang out with  two19 year olds... I SAID OOOOH HELL YEAH!!!!

Mom heard him ask me, and she volunteered the Phoenix to be the party car (albeit, she did not know it would be a party car).

Oh F**K, I can spend MORE time in THAT car.

About an hour or so and we were on our way OUT.


On our way to pick up his friend, we stopped at a gas station, filled up with gas, I bought cigarettes (heh), and Dino gave me his fake ID. He was going to be using his real one.  He told me not to let the bouncers look too long at it or they'd realize there were two IDs for the same person, his and mine.

Dino looked at me and said, "Manny, were going Juarez, to hit a few bars. Drinking age there is 18.  But don't do anything stupid and when we get home, don't tell your parents."

Being the cool as ice future rock star I said, "OK!!  Boy that sure does sound like fun!" with a huge grin on my face.  See how smooth I was...

Of course, to get ready for drinking, we needed "a base."

I had no idea what that meant, luckily Dino was there to explain the inner workings of bar hopping.

We headed to Whataburger where we got something to eat, which for the record really, REALLY sucked. "Base food doesn't need to be good, it just needs to be filling, that's why were eating an hour and a half before we hit the bars.  That way you won't get drunk as fast."  Made sense to me...I had no clue what he was talking about, but he was buying dinner and I was cool with that.

We picked up his buddy, got some cash and headed to Juarez, Mexico.



The first bar we went to was called Porky's..


No, I'm not kidding.  It really was called Porky's.

This is the first beer I ever drank in a bar.  OK, not a fan of Meeler Liiite.

It's 2/3rds gone, and I don't care, this is the best beer I ever had.  I like beer.  And look, the goofy grin makes it's appearence.

After an hour or so, Dino looked at me and smiled, really, really big...think Cheshire cat...then think rabid wombat.  "We're taking him." is all Dino said.  His bud, started grinning and heartily agreed.

We left Porky's and headed down the street.  We went a couple of blocks and we stopped in front of a non-descript building, and we walked in.

My eyes got huge; the goofy grin makes it's 3rd appeaence of the night.  From the doorway, I could see a girl dancing and she appeared...yes, she was topless, and starting to work on the bottoms.  I was a happy boy.

I was completely enveloped in newfound HAPPINESS.

The bartender headed over to ask us for our ID's.  He took one good look at me and told Dino, that all my drinks were double priced.  I guess he must have some kind of amazing mental ability to see past my mature exterior and surmised that I might be falsely representing my age.

Dino looked at me and said "Will you please wipe that goofy grin of your face.  He's letting us stay but your drinks are double price.


He asked us for our drink order and I was about to have my 4th beer of the night.

Before I go any further, I need to describe the current situation.  The bartender looked just like Danny Trejo except with a beer gut. He had all the tattoos, was shirtless, and wearing sunglasses.  And looked like he could really do some damage to a person.  Dino ordered us three beers. I was awfully scared of this guy. 

My newfound happiness was beginning to wane.

With Dino leading the way, we started to approach the stage where the now completely naked woman was dancing away.

Then closer we got to the stage the more my newfound happiness was becoming memory.

I'm not saying the girl were unattractive, but WELL...SHE WAS UNATTRACTIVE.

Suddenly Dino started laughing uncontrollably and pointed across the room. Parked by the door to the strippers' dressing room was a stroller (thank God the baby wasn't in it, but the diaper bag was hanging on the handle). We all started laughing uncontrollably until a new dancer came out with obvious signs that her breasts had just been used for the primary purpose that breasts were designed for...

and there went the last kernel of newfound happiness.

This day I learned that not all strip clubs looked like the kind you see in '80s T&A movies.

But some will look like the ones in '70s T&A movies where they go to Tijuana and expect to see a donkey show.

For the next 3 hours we watched nakedness go from bad to worse.

After that, anywhere was an improvement. We headed to the our last bar of this trip. It was OK, except for a couple who were all over each other. They had their tongues jammed down each other's throats. I could deal with that. Then they pulled back, with their tongues imitating two snakes frolicking and undulating. At this point in my beer haze it made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Afterwards, we went to Jack in the Box and got food. It did not sit well in my tummy after a bunch of beers, the sad strip bar and the dancing snake show.


Mar 25, 2010



When I was much younger (and Spanish was my main language) there was a restaurant that we passed quite often.  Whenever we did, I would begin to giggle.

It was a Tex-Mex restaurant named Chi Chi-s.

Why did this make me giggle?

I guess before I can continue, I need to give a tiny little language lesson.  In Spanish the word chi chi's is a slang term meaning boobies.  Which is one of my favorite English words...I'm just saying is all.

Because of this auspicious name, this building became a place of great interest and importance.

Now we fast forward our tale to 1988 and I was 16 years old.

A friend named Chris regaled to me a wonderful tidbit of information.  "Jose" he said "last night we went to Chi Chi's for dinner and it was awesome the f..."

Trying to contain my excitement, I asked if they allowed teens in there?  (Of course in hindsight...)

"Yeah, why wouldn't they?"  That's right Chris, keep me in suspense...

"Dude we are going right now!"  As I proceeded to drag him to his car.

Chris was looking at me like I was insane, "Dude, are you OK?"

"Yeah man, I let's get going!"

With an ounce of trepidation he said OK, and then we were off.

I was stoked.

I was finally going to the promised land.

I was ready for this moment.

I was finally at the restaurant called boobies.  Or Chi-chi's to my American friends.

We walked in and I immediately began my search.  I looked near and far.


I looked at Chris "Dude?  Umm, where are the girls?"

Chris stared at me, confusion evident in his eyes.

The hostess sat us by the windows.

"Um Chris, there are girls here right?" as I began to notice that there were people of all types sitting at tables and in booths.  Eating something that resembled Mexican food.

Some guy asked what we wanted to drink.  Chris and I asked for a Coke.

I looked at the menu.

I looked at Chris, and asked him, "Why is this place awesome?"


"Earlier you said 'Jose last night we went to Chi Chi's for dinner and it was awesome the f..' what makes this place awesome?"

"They have the best Mexican food in town."


"Yeah the food here is great!"

That's when the disappointment sunk in.

Chris asked me what was wrong?

I told Chris what chi chi's meant in Spanish, and he laughed.

And laughed.

And Laughed.

"Well that sure explains why you freaked out when I said I was here."

Meekly I responded with a barely audible "yeah"

He laughed a little while longer.

After catching his breath he says "Well let's order our food, you'll love it."

When the food arrived disappointment number two hit me.  The food absolutely sucked.

Chris was in hog heaven, but when you get homemade Mexican food on a semi regular basis, restaurant food always falls a bit shy.

So we ate.

Then we paid.

Then we left.

I silently vowed that I would never again would I fall for a name like that again.

Later that year my cousin would take me to Hooters and to Juarez, Mexico.  Where again disappointment would rear it's ugly head.  But that's a story for later.

Mar 24, 2010


You know what has always bugged me?  Movie reviews that take a "I'm so much smarter than you" route.  Every movie review I have ever read takes this approach.  They sit there and with a fine tooth comb and condemn every aspect of the movie or they praise the intellectual aspects of this cinematic experience.

Me, I just want a simple review.  Did the movie achieve it's goal.  How was the acting?  Was the script/story any good.  Was the movie entertaining.  Add a positive comment.  Add a negative comment.  Finally make a simple scale and rate that movie accordingly.

It's not asking for much.

Reading a movie review shouldn't have to be a chore.

So let's make that scale

   1.  Punch me in the FACE, because that's gonna be better than this movie.
   2.  I will never watch the movie again
   3.  Did I actually pay to see this?
   4.  I wish I saw it on cable.
   5.  I'll only watch it if its free on cable.
   6.  Can't find the I guess I'll watch this
   7.  This is better then the other stuff that's on.
   8.  I will watch the movie again
   9.  I CAN'T WAIT to watch the movie again
 10.  This movie WILL be owned, in any form because it's that damn good!!.

Now let's review some movies...

Crazy Heart

This was an OK movie, with superb acting and amazing camera work. The soundtrack added that extra little push that really made this movie shine.

The story was simple, predictable and straight forward but the pacing was dead perfect. Each and every actor and actress were completely believable in their roles. I was surprised. I didn't expect to like it. With the exception of the very simple plot and story, everything else about this movie was exceptional.


She's Out of My League

I figured how bad could it be? It's a romantic comedy at worst it's a chick flick. Then it got funny, serious, sweet and through all of the ridiculousness of it all, it still gave the idea of "what if...".

The story was decent. The acting is exactly what you expect. The characters are your current comedy stereotypes with 2 exceptions. The characters of Kirk and Molly felt genuine and real. Luckily they're the main characters. Someone used the line "Its a chick flick for guys" and it really is.


Zack And Miri Make A Porno

I heard this movie was supposed to be horrible, not funny and a waste of time. I had nothing better to do today so I wanted to complete the Kevin Smith collection so I finally got around to watching it. If you're easily offended, this movie is not for you..on the other hand, IF you are easily offended what are you doing going to see a movie where part of the title is "Make A Porno"?

Yes, this movie is raunchy. Yes, this movie is completely unbelievable. Yes, this movie completely predictable. Yes, the cast is stereotypical on all fronts. No, there are no real surprises. But the movie is funny. This is one of those movies where the talent of the cast carries the whole production. It's their timing and delivery. It's their acting that gives what they say and do some credibility. And it's funny.


This was advertised as a comedy.  It wasn't one.  It was more of a "teen drama"/"coming of age"/"growing into who you are" type movie.  It wasn't bad.  It was an OK movie, but it was hard to enjoy because I kept waiting for the comedy to begin.  Although the best part of this film is the how hilarious Kristen Wiig character was.  It wasn't an overt performance, but subtle with precision comedic timing.

Oh and the music is really good.  I guess that's not a good sign when the soundtrack and minor character garnered most of my attention.


Mar 23, 2010


as we lay here naked
nothing between us
but raspy breathing
and the cool air
that chills the sweat on our skin

i thought you could replace her

i thought you were her
but you're not
you're not  her
you never were
that freezes the blood in my veins

i thought you could replace her

i am holding you
the same way I held her
a shadow, an echo
i should let you go
that thought stopped cold in my head

i thought you could replace her

i can't love you
the way I loved her
because she loved me
and you don't love anything
i start to shiver, when reality hits

i thought you could replace her

i'm dying here
as we lie here naked
nothing between us
but raspy breathing
and the cool air makes you sweat

i thought you could replace her

i hold you in my hand
your moisture covers my fingers
i bring you to my lips
and i taste you
as i drink you in...

i thought you could replace her

i light a cigarette
and look over at you
and i feel the tears
roll down my cheeks
as i bring you to my lips again

i thought you could replace her

this glass grows heavy
the more i drink from it
shame tastes like tears
whiskey and ice
and it tastes like pain

i thought you could replace her

and you did

Mar 21, 2010





Quote of the Day - "The poet ranks far below the painter in the representation of visible things, and far below the musician in that of invisible things." Leonardo da Vinci

Battle with a Bottle by Sebastian Bach
This songs starts tonight's ramblings.  It such a great song about the constant struggle between sobriety and alcoholism.  Only someone who is facing this battle head on, can write a song as moving and honest as this.  I started watching Going Country on CMT because Sebastian Bach was on it, and when I heard this song I was just wowed.  Oh did I mention it a country song?

He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones
George Jones has such a unique sound when it comes to his music.  I actually listened to the lyrics of this song on Thursday afternoon for the first time.  My god is this song tragic.  I never knew the "person" in the song is dead.  I always thought it was one of those, he finally got over the heartbreak and is moving on songs.  It isn't.  It's still an amazing song performed by a country music legend and icon.

Mr Brightside by The Killers
One of the songs that always gets my head bobbing and swaying is Mr. Brightside.  I have no clue what the song is about, it just puts me in a good mood.  I'm finding myself typing to the rhythm of this song, which is nice, distracting and a little annoying.  There have been times when I have been writing something and when I do a quick little post read I notice the lyrics to the song I was listening too magically appear.  Except this time I'm typing to the rhythm.  I guess at this moment I have dancing fingers.  Which means all the typos that need to be taken care of are going to be rythmic typos...LOL!

Ride #2 by Warrant
I have always thought seeing some of my favorite bands grow and mature as I did was pretty cool.  One of the bands that did this and did it well, was Warrant.  This song is found on their fourth album.  Long gone are the simple and catchy tunes, but a real growth in subject matter and sound.  But whenever I hear warrant songs I feel like I need to tease my hair, wear some ripped jeans, get a case of beer and head to a concert.  Getting sweaty and drunk while trying to get some girls phone number and perhaps something more.  LOL...sadly most nights me and the guys would just go to someones house drink some more and talk about all the hot chicks we met, and "The ones we have a really good feeling about."

Lost You Anyway by Toby Keith
Toby Keith constantly pisses me off.  I love this guys music a lot.  When I happen to be in a great mood, I'll turn on the radio and without fail one of his heart ache songs start to play.  I have to give the man credit, he knows how to write a good heartache song.  As testament to his song writing ability, his heart ache songs really get to me.  Right down to my inner core I can feel the sadness.  I just wish when I'm in a How Do You Like Me Now mood, I'd would actually hear a How Do You Like Me Now song and not the "Lost You Anyway" song.  Which I guess is way to keep me humble because I know sometimes I need to be knocked down a peg.

Real World by Matchbox Twenty
I love Rob Thomas's voice.  It's not a pretty voice.  It's not a technical voice, but man it's a rock n roll voice.  When I hear the opening to Real World, I start the throat clearing and get ready to sing along.  This song hit's some of the same thoughts that seem to run rampant through my waste of grey matter.  Oh yeah which version of grey and gray is correct.  It confuses the spellchecker and it REALLY confuses the fool using the spellchecker because he never studied well enough to be a great speller.

Primal Scream by Motley Crue
ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!  My sweet ever loving gods of glam rock n roll, that always feels good.  This song always makes me want to just SCREEEEEEAM!!!  There are times when a good scream is just so cathartic and it's good for the lungs (I hear).  After a good scream I feel a sense of calmness, serenity and peace.  I don't do it much anymore, because it tends to freak people out (specifically my family and our neighbors).  But I've taken a walk down some trails and just ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHed.  Then walked home feeling all relaxed.  Ahhh...

But it's Better if You Do by Panic at the Disco
I just added Panic at the Disco to the MP3 player so I'm still learning some of the non-radio songs.  I think this might be one of them (I'm not an avid fan of the radio so I might be wrong) and it's not a bad little tune.  It may take a few listens to give it real fair shake but at this point it's a cool little ditty.

Sitting On The Dock of the Bay by Pearl Jam
Pearl Jam is one of MY FAVORITE bands.  I love everything they do.  They have even broadened my musical tastes with some of the covers they do of great songs.  Sitting On The Dock of the Bay is such a great song to begin with and listening to Eddie Vedder do the vocals gives me goosebumps.  The song has got such a great groove and when you add Eddie's passionate voice it's just awesome.  They're such a great Rock n Roll band.  I have problems writing whenever a Pearl Jam starts because, I just want to sit there and listen.

This is Not a Love Song by The Sex Pistols
THE SEX PISTOLS just have this simple, raw, and a big ol' eff you attitude and it comes through loud and clear in this song.  The song is angrily resounding and bouncing through my aging ear canals.  If I ever need a great little pick me up I just switch on the Pistols, the Ramones or the New York Dolls.  Just a bunch of guys who had more attitude than musical aptitude and the music clearly conveys this.  Sometimes that's what this aging make believe writer needs.

Dirty Love by Thunder
The "I'm through with you" and "I'm over you" songs have always been so empowering and give me a sense of "HA, In your face!!"  I mean not all my breakups were bad...some were terrible, but there is always this sense of relief from hearing one of these songs.  It never fails to brings a little smirk to my face.  I mean c'mon with a line that goes "It was only yesterday like a cheap suit you were all over me", that makes you want to throw your fist in the air with an "OH HELL YEAH!!!"

Imagine by Bon Jovi
Yes, I am a Bon Jovi fan...I have been since I saw them at Summerfest when they performed Silent Night.  They were on tour for their second album.  I was in awe over this song.  Well as I get older, their songs and sound have grown up some...just like me.  So when I heard Jon Bon Jovi and Ritchie Sambora performing the song "Imagine" by the most Awesome John Lennon, I got that same feeling when I first heard them perform Silent Night, and became a fan all over again.  Now if you don't mind, I'm just going to listen to the rest of the song....

I Don't Believe in Love by Queensryche
This is another great band and I don't Believe in Love is such a great song.  I had to have been around 17 when I finally started listening to these guys.  I wasn't that big into progressive metal, until I heard this song for the first time.  I then started actively looking for some prog rock bands.  Thankfully I found Dream Theater, who are way AWESOME!   This is close to the age when music started to become more than just party songs for me.  This is the time period when the music was evolving into an aural art form.

Craig Christ by Stephen Lynch
This song is so unforgiving and thoroughly hilarious.  If you have a funny bone for irreverent humor set to catchy music then Mr. Stephen Lynch is totally for you.  I have a bunch of his songs in my MP3 player because the songs are good, catchy AND FRIKKEN FUNNY...and the music is actually pretty good too.

Can You Feel My Groove Thang by Moloko Shivers
We end this hour or so of How My Brain Truly Works, with a local band called Moloko Shivers.  They're this alternative rock/jazz fusion band from the almost forgettable city of Waukesha in the wonderful state of Wisconsin.  The song is called "Can You Feel My Groove Thang" and it really does have this really awesome groove.  I had the good fortune to personally know these guys for a little while.  The lead singer John wrote these awesome lyrics and was such a great front man.  His writing style has had an influence on wording and the way I pace much of my writings.  He is a really good guy, and I hope he's doing well.

Mar 20, 2010


You know what has always bugged me?  Movie reviews that take a "I'm so much smarter than you" route.  Every movie review I have ever read takes this approach.  They sit there and with a fine tooth comb and condemn every aspect of the movie or they praise the intellectual aspects of this cinematic experience.

Me, I just want a simple review.  Did the movie achieve it's goal.  How was the acting?  Was the script/story any good.  Was the movie entertaining.  Add a positive comment.  Add a negative comment.  Finally make a simple scale and rate that movie accordingly.

It's not asking for much.

Reading a movie review shouldn't have to be a chore.

So let's make that scale

   1.  Punch me in the FACE, because that's gonna be better than this movie.
   2.  I will never watch the movie again
   3.  Did I actually pay to see this?
   4.  I wish I saw it on cable.
   5.  I'll only watch it if its free on cable.
   6.  Can't find the I guess I'll watch this
   7.  This is better then the other stuff that's on.
   8.  I will watch the movie again
   9.  I CAN'T WAIT to watch the movie again
 10.  This movie WILL be owned, in any form because it's that damn good!!.

Now let's review some movies...

Valentine's Day

A romantic comedy with some good LOL moments, a few heart tuggers, and enough enough sweetness to give you a cavity. But surprisingly it's a charming little movie. It tells a story you already know, and just charms you into going along. It has a veritable who's who of stars, yet none of them are on the screen enough to be showcased or stand out.

8/ probably deserves a lower rating, but like I said "It's a charming little movie."

Alice In Wonderland (2010)

I love the fact that Tim Burton makes fairy tales. He makes them with a certain personality, that really captures the idea and feel of the original Grimm's Fairy Tales. Fantastic stories of wonder, with a cruel and sometimes violent twist. That is what this version of Alice in Wonderland is.

The acting was spot on. The story was solid, well paced and fluid from beginning to end. The visual effects were very good. All in all, I was very, very pleased with this movie.

10/10..If you like Tim Burton movies, you'll love this movie. If you love the Disney cartoon fairy tales you'll more than likely not care for this version.

Crazies (2010)

Pleasantly surprised. It's part thriller, part action, part drama and part gore. The story is pretty straight forward with the usual surprises. The acting was decent and the story ran pretty smoothly. Will this movie help the rewrite horror genre? No, but it is entertaining.


Survival Of The Dead

This is an old fashioned zombie movie. Written and directed by the guy who set the original standard for zombie movies. This is not a great film. It is not full of digital effects. It simply is an old school zombie movie. Written and directed by an old school zombie movie director. I enjoyed it very much. It was not Romero's best work by any stretch. But for 90 minutes I felt like I the kid who first watched the original Dawn of the Dead. I was entertained.

The story was weak, the acting below average, the pacing was awful, the special f/x were old school and that was kind of nice to see. If you like gore/zombie movies watch it. If your not a fan of this genre you'll hate it.

7/10..I like zombie movies

Mar 19, 2010


I was having an 80's flashback moment.

Today there will be a video from one of my favorite bands from the glam days.  For some reason I have a lot of problems saying "Hair Bands".

Yes my friends, cohorts and those undecided, this is the music of my youth.  Well to be more precise, the age 7 1/2 to 18 1/2.  That was me during the 80's.

That was when I learned two very important things that would truly save my frayed ends of sanity.  I was an avid reader, but during this time, I learned that I could escape the world I was barely enduring by burying my nose in a book.  The second thing I allowed me to express my feelings like nothing before.  And I attacked both with a fevered passion.  Motley Crue had songs for an angst filled youth.  Poison had the songs for the free spirited.  Twisted Sister, Quiet Riot and Def Leppard filled everything else in.  My love of music had been born in a trial by fire and still helps me say things that I don't have words for.

Don't get me wrong, I knew about 90% of the music I listened to wasn't artistic or technical.  What it had was a great party vibe with a never grow up attitude.  Hell...we were the Youth Gone Wild.  We wanted Nothin' But A Good Time.  We Couldn't Drive 55.  When they said C'mon Feel The Noise, I tell you we felt THAT NOISE.  We Jumped, Smoked In The Boys Room, went Round And Round, we were Hot For Teacher and we knew the person who Gave Love A Bad Name,

There was an occasional need for angry music (Thrash, Speed, Punk, Industrial) and that came came about from this time period.  Thanks to classmates, I was introduced to Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Anthrax, Metallica, DRI, Nayked Raygun, Skinny Puppy, Misfits and a whole slew of others.  Suddenly I realized that some of the new things I was being introduced to had actual musicianship.  This blew me away.

But it was the glam bands that truly had my heart.  I was an Aquanet, eyeliner and cut up jeans and t-shirts kid.  Yeah I was pretty much a true child of the 80's.

But nowadays when I'm in this awesome mood with no worries and no witnesses, I'll pull out the old CD's (and sometimes vinyls and cassettes) and just rock out doing spins, jump kicks and jamming away on my air guitar or my air drums while belting out every lyric like I'm in an arena filled with screaming fans.  The veil of delusion I wear works wonders when it comes to rockin' out!!!

This is Tigertailz.  They rock.  Well at least to me, they still rock.  Enjoy. 

Oh yeah, you can mock if you like, I can take  Not so much back then.  But it's cool.

Mar 18, 2010


When you look at me

Tell me,

What do you see?

Who do you see?

Do you look at me?

Do you even see me?

What do you see?

Who do you see?

Do you see

How much you hurt me?

Do you see that

I changed for you.

I sold my soul for you.

Look at me.


It hurt's.

It tears me up!

Can't you see...

the anger growing?

the rage I'm fighting?


Look into my eyes,

See the emptiness?

Do you?

Look at my face.

Smile?  It's fake.

Did you know that?

The laugh?

Yeah that's bullshit too.

The truth is this...

When you look at me

All you see is what

You think I should be.

You stopped seeing me.

You stopped looking for me.

I'll admit I was weak

When I gave into you.

When I gave you

What you wanted...

and a part of me died.

A part that you'll never see,

Because when you look at me,

You don't see me at all.

Just watch me walk away.

I hate mirrors.

Mar 17, 2010


Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that lifts your soul.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that fights the sorrow.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that keeps despair at bay.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that call you from the edge.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that opens your eyes.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you smile.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you dance.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you sing.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

The sound that makes you want to roll down a hill.

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

It sounds like Mommy's kisses...

It sounds like Daddy's hugs...

It sounds like a raindrop falling...

It sounds like sunshine...

It sounds like a happy thought...

It sounds like laughter...

It sounds like wind in the leaves...

It sounds like a card in your spokes...

Have you ever heard the sounds of her wings flapping?

Neither do I.

And not in a long time.

But it once sounded like silence...

Mar 16, 2010


Originally posted on: Apr 5, 2007 10:20 AM

"And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride"
Rosemary Harris from Spider-man 2

I was thinking about my past last night, and what I wanted to be when I "grew up".

I started thinking about heroes...not the TV show on NBC, but the real life inspirations to the child that eventually grew up to be me.

I remember wanting to be a teacher because my first and second grade teacher was so helpful to this kid who was to antsy to sit still, and so eager to learn everything.

I remember wanting to be the Lone Ranger because he always fought for what was right and just.

I wanted to be Bruce Jenner because he was an incredible athlete.

I wanted to be Jumping Jim Brunzell because he was my "absolute favorite wrestler".

When I was 5-6 years old I needed heroes like these. Someone to set a standard so that I, as a kid, would have an idea of what a "grown up" should be. Back then stars. celebrities and athletes, whether or not they wanted to be, did know that they were in fact role models and heroes to many children and adults.

But as I grew older my heroes changed.

Soon it wasn't about the men and women who made the world a better place, but men and women who made their own paths, regardless of the consequences.

I went from positive role models to anti-heroes.  I talked a little about it yesterday.

As I get older, stars, athletes, and celebrities now claim that they are not heroes or role models. They state that they are who they want to be and it's not their fault if some kid emulates them.

Now I admit that this is partly true, but to deny that they have no influence on us is just a cop out.

Or who knows maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe there are no more heroes to look up to.  Maybe there never were.

Maybe I was just a delusional child that thought that there were people out there who would teach us to be better human being by their actions and their words.

Or maybe there are no more heroes for me as an adult.  Maybe I've grown disillusioned by the fact that too many people now only think of themselves, even myself.

Maybe the only real fact is that as a child I looked for those great qualities that would steer us all into superb human beings in outside avenues, because back than, everything was pretty much cut and dry, the heroes WERE the good guys.

I guess back then we were allowed to believe in that.

Sometimes I really miss back then.

Mar 15, 2010


Before the dawn came,
I was there.
I was just a tiny thought
a passing fancy
a small twinkle of hope...
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I'M PREGNANT?!?!?!?!  SHIIIIT!!  Is there still time for an abortion?."

The dawn came,
and I greeted you,
we finally meet face to face,
Hello mom...
"That can't be normal, it looks like a fuckin rat...No I don't want to breast feed, that's what formula is for."

At the dawn,
I laid there
calling for you.
I'm hungry mom.
I'm scared,
please hold me
keep me safe...
"Will someone shut the little FUCKER up!  His fuckin wailing is giving me another fuckin headache!!!"

As time passes
I look for you,
I hold my head up
I roll to tummy
I roll to my back
I roll in circles
I'm searching for you mom
I need to see you...
"Little bastard can't even hold his bottle yet.  He's probably retarded."

And a little later,
on all fours
I'm crawling
after you mom
Pick me up please,
I need to feel you
protecting me
loving me...

on my own
for the first time,
light shining through
outstretched fingers,
my little arms
reaching for you
mom, I'm right here....
"Get OUTTA the WAY, I can't see the TV!  Little fucker's always in the way!"

A little more time passes,
and I'm walking
behind you.
I'm walking in your footsteps
I want to be with you
I want to be just like you mom...

Running behind you,
the entire world
a magical place,
show me
where I fit in
show me
my place mom...
"FUCKIN A, the little Fucker want's attention, put on that fuckin Barney show.  That always shuts him up."

Many days
have passed mom.
I graduated High School.
I graduated College.
I got married.
I have children.
Not my wife,
nor my children
have to look
for attention...
"Jesus H Christ can't you do ANYTHING right?!?!, Besides pushing those little shit monsters out of your old and stretched out twat!?!?  You're ALL FUCKIN USELESS!!!"

Thank You mom, you made me the man I am.

I started out as just a twinkle...

A small twinkle of hope...

Mar 14, 2010


Can you remember your first day of school?
No not really.  I was never a big fan of the first days of school, because it meant Summer was over and there is nothing worse than knowing Summer has come and gone to a kid.

Do you get bored looking at other peoples' holiday pictures?

Nope.  I like looking at pictures.  Frozen moments of time have always held a special joy for me, because pictures are usually happy times.

Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle?

I'm not really a fan of either, but if I had to choose I would have to a turtle, only because their food is less furry.

Do you have, or would you like to get, any tattoos?

I have 2 currently with plans to get more when finances improve.

Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw?
I have seen many many bands live, although not so many in recent years.  The last band I saw was Big and Rich who were 3 shades of AWESOME!!

What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in someone's bedroom?

That's kind of a weird question, but I guess it would have to be in my room, and it was the reaction I got when a lady friend hit play on the cassette player and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Rock Adventure started playing...

Do you like painting?
I'm a doodler and on occasion a colorer but painting has always been one of those talents that I do not posses.

Do you keep a diary?
Ummm...yeah.  That's kind of what you're reading when you come to my waste of space.

What made you laugh last?

Jennie Breedin's web comic called Geebas on Parade -

Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work?

I was more of the anti-pickup line user.  For example: Excuse ma'am, but you're currently sitting in a hot girls seat and she should be coming back very soon...and now that you have a good reason to snub me...Hi, can I buy you a drink?

Do you like the smell of lavender?

LOL...yeah, That's what my cheap shampoo and conditioner smells like.

Have you ever entered a modeling competition? Would you?

NO and HELL NO!!!  As my Mom has been known to say "With looks like yours be grateful ugly women talk to you." *sigh*

Did you keep any drawings / stories from when you were younger?

Well what is younger?  I have stuff from when I was in high school and I have a couple of things I did yesterday, and technically I am a few hours older now..

Who did you last have an argument with?

That would be Mom.

When was the last time you cooked for yourself?

I cook for myself a lot.  It's either that or go for days without eating.

When was the last time you wrapped a present?


Do you own a baby names book?

Umm NO!!

When was the last time you saw a relative?


What time is it right now?
At this very moment it's 2:34 A.M.

Have you ever entered the lottery?

Sure, I have.

When was the last time you were so angry you thought you would burst?
When I got an email from ex telling me we were completely over...which began a chain of events that in the end brought me to a better place.

Do you skip breakfast?
Well I only eat 2 meals a day, so I guess it all depends on how you look at it.

Are you in anyway close to reaching a personal goal?

Actually the most important goal I have ever reached was on July 22, 2009.  Since then I'm just happy for each and every 24 hours.

Do you prefer crosswords or word searches?

Word searches only because the I have a hard time figuring out the "hints".  I've never been good at deciphering hints.

Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house?

Not in a LONG time.

Felt-tip pens or highlighters?

Felt-tip.  More color choices are readily available.

Do you like making collages?

Not really.  Like I said I'm more of a doodler.

Have you ever kept a scrapbook?

Well I have a scrapbook, but for me it's more a place where I can glue some a paper Photo Album.

Are you scared of anything irrational?

My biggest irrational fear is no one coming to my funeral.  Ever since I saw A Christmas Carol, that idea has haunted me.

Can you calm yourself down or do you just get all panicked at things?

In all honesty, I get irked and sometimes annoyed, but I don't get panicky.  But I am seldom calm.  That's what I strive for, moment of peace and serenity everyday.

Do you use bug spray or fly swatters?
I use whatever I can get...but mostly I use my voice.  When you're yelling "OH MY GOD!!!  KILL IT!!!  KILL IT!!!  KILL IT!!!  KILL IT!!!"  your voice works better than any swatter or spray.

What was the last thing you said out loud?

"Good Night Mom."

Do you bruise easily?

If I had it might have saved me some grief that's for sure.

Would you ever meet anyone you met online?

Sure, 90 percent of my online to real life encounters have been good ones.

Are you more shy in real life or on the internet?

I'm exactly the same in both areas.

Are you happy with where you're going in life?

Yeah, I guess I am.  I've been dealing with life on life's terms and that's been working for me.

Than you Suzie for permission to use this...oh and read her answers here...

Mar 13, 2010


You know what has always bugged me?  Movie reviews that take a "I'm so much smarter than you" route.  Every movie review I have ever read takes this approach.  They sit there and with a fine tooth comb and condemn every aspect of the movie or they praise the intellectual aspects of this cinematic experience.

Me, I just want a simple review.  Did the movie achieve it's goal.  How was the acting?  Was the script/story any good.  Was the movie entertaining.  Add a positive comment.  Add a negative comment.  Finally make a simple scale and rate that movie accordingly.

It's not asking for much.

Reading a movie review shouldn't have to be a chore.

So let's make that scale

   1.  Punch me in the FACE, because that's gonna be better than this movie.
   2.  I will never watch the movie again
   3.  Did I actually pay to see this?
   4.  I wish I saw it on cable.
   5.  I'll only watch it if its free on cable.
   6.  Can't find the I guess I'll watch this
   7.  This is better then the other stuff that's on.
   8.  I will watch the movie again
   9.  I CAN'T WAIT to watch the movie again
 10.  This movie WILL be owned, in any form because it's that damn good!!.

Now let's review some movies...

Fantastic Mr. Fox

A quirky stop motion cartoon, based on the story written by the BRILLIANT Roald Dahl.  This is one of the few movies that should appeal to both adults and children.  It's hard not to smile and laugh throughout this movie.  If Pixar decided to go for and Indie movie feel, you would have Fantastic Mr. Fox.  The acting was very good, with a solid and well paced story.


Planet 51

OK...I didn't hate this movie.  But it wasn't great either.  There are some jokes that will appeal to the parents of their target audience and a few moments that will tickle the funny bones of the children.  But the whole movie feels flat.  I guess the best thing I can say is this movie is average.  Average acting, average dialogue, even an average and predictable storyline.  Just overall...average.


Battle for Terra

This was a very cool movie with a strong message and theme.  It had a solid and likable story that was well paced and entertaining.  The animation was strong and clean.  The actors really nailed their roles and made the animation seem alive.

The only real fault, is I guess, a personal gripe.  I'm tired of seeing movies that keep perpetuating the idea that we humans are greedy, war mongering, murderers.  Yes I get it.  We are evil.  We will bring about the destruction of every man, woman, child, creature and organism if we don't get our way.  Like I said a personal gripe.

Other than this it really is an enjoyable film.


Astro Boy

Wow!!!  This is a movie has it all.  It has lessons in good and evil.  It teaches about mistakes and how to find redemption.  It has a TON of action and some truly heart breaking moments.  Add some high quality animation and a great story that was very well paced and fluid and my friends you have yourself Astro Boy.  A wonderful movie for children and children at heart.  But the most surprising thing that this movie does, is that it maintains the idea of "good and innocence" while similtaneously restoring those same ideas into our childhood heroes and avoids the current trend of making them "moody and dark."