Mar 26, 2010



In my previous blog I just totally flaked out. The closing paragraph read as such...

"Later that year my cousin would take me to Hooters and to Juarez, Mexico. Where again disappointment would rear it's ugly head. But that's a story for later."

Yet, this is how it was supposed to read:

"Later that year my cousin would take me to Juarez, Mexico, where again disappointment would rear it's ugly head, and the tale of my first time at Hooters. But that story comes later.

Sorry for the confusion.

I guess one could safely say that I can't proofread for crap.  Anybody know any proofreaders and/or editors who would be willing to see me slaughter the English language, and then try and help me fix it?  Volunteers and people who work for cheap (Free) just message me...thanks.
(Yeah this is actually kind of serious)

Since that particular snafu is cleared up, let's continue down the highway that leads to Disappointment 2...

Later that year the family and I headed down to El Paso, TX for a summer vacation.

Because heading down to Texas in the middle of summer is always a brilliant EFFIN idea.

I guess waiting for spring, late fall or even winter was completely out of the question.  Instead we went down in the middle of summer.  Which is akin to standing in the path of a "Flaming Broccoli Fart Coming From The Bowels Of Hell!!!"

My cousin Emilio (Emmy) had all these things planned out that we would be doing as a family and as house guests.

My cousin Dino, of course, had other plans.

Dino, who is three years old than yours truly, has always had a bit of a wild streak in him. This encounter would be no different.

But I am getting way ahead of myself. First I have to tell you about the trip itself.

We drove to El Paso, TX from Waukesha, WI.

"We" consisted of mom, step-dad, step-bro, half sister (who was still small and young enough to require a car seat) and of course, your unsung hero...Me!

We would travel by Pontiac Phoenix.

A Pontiac Phoenix, that's what 5 people endured a cross country trek in.

A Pontiac Phoenix who during the course of this trip, we needed to get a tire, because the retread was falling apart, before we even got out of IL.

A Pontiac Phoenix who decided that this would be the most opportune time to have the air conditioner malfunction to the point of needing to be replaced.

A Pontiac Phoenix who decided on the return trip, that this would be an opportune moment to have the "replaced" air conditioner caused the car to over heat...3 times.

If it wasn't for the portable cassette player I brought along, I would have killed someone.

If Poison, Whitesnake, Ratt and Motley Crue had not been on this trip, there would have been a headline somewhere that said "Teenager Kills Family - Blames it on "The M****R F*****G air conditioner!"

The 1500+ mile (straight) venture into what was quickly becoming my very own personal hell.  Then we arrived in El Paso.

If it wasn't the car working against us, Mother Nature decided to join in the fun.  Amid downpours that caused us to cease all forward movement and  coyote's doing suicide sprints across the interstate, some higher power did NOT want us to get to El Paso.

We would be spending the week at my aunt's home.

As I previously mentioned Emmy would be our tour guide/host for the week.

Emmy was already there with his wife when the Phoenix limped in from it's ordeal on the Highways and Interstates of America.

Dino showed up roughly 2 hours later.

Emmy and step-dad took the car to the garage so that the repairs could be made.

Step-bro and I decided to jump into the pool to get rid of the "Been in a car too long" funk and mom, aunt and sis were in air conditioned splendor.

After a  few hours Emmy and step-dad returned and the Phoenix with a new AC and 4 brand new tires.

Emmy informed us that we were going to go to Carlsbad Caverns the next day.

 (yay...another 150+ miles in that damn car...effin...yay).

Dino asked me if I wanted to hang with him and one of his buds.

16 year old kid asked to hang out with  two19 year olds... I SAID OOOOH HELL YEAH!!!!

Mom heard him ask me, and she volunteered the Phoenix to be the party car (albeit, she did not know it would be a party car).

Oh F**K, I can spend MORE time in THAT car.

About an hour or so and we were on our way OUT.


On our way to pick up his friend, we stopped at a gas station, filled up with gas, I bought cigarettes (heh), and Dino gave me his fake ID. He was going to be using his real one.  He told me not to let the bouncers look too long at it or they'd realize there were two IDs for the same person, his and mine.

Dino looked at me and said, "Manny, were going Juarez, to hit a few bars. Drinking age there is 18.  But don't do anything stupid and when we get home, don't tell your parents."

Being the cool as ice future rock star I said, "OK!!  Boy that sure does sound like fun!" with a huge grin on my face.  See how smooth I was...

Of course, to get ready for drinking, we needed "a base."

I had no idea what that meant, luckily Dino was there to explain the inner workings of bar hopping.

We headed to Whataburger where we got something to eat, which for the record really, REALLY sucked. "Base food doesn't need to be good, it just needs to be filling, that's why were eating an hour and a half before we hit the bars.  That way you won't get drunk as fast."  Made sense to me...I had no clue what he was talking about, but he was buying dinner and I was cool with that.

We picked up his buddy, got some cash and headed to Juarez, Mexico.



The first bar we went to was called Porky's..


No, I'm not kidding.  It really was called Porky's.

This is the first beer I ever drank in a bar.  OK, not a fan of Meeler Liiite.

It's 2/3rds gone, and I don't care, this is the best beer I ever had.  I like beer.  And look, the goofy grin makes it's appearence.

After an hour or so, Dino looked at me and smiled, really, really big...think Cheshire cat...then think rabid wombat.  "We're taking him." is all Dino said.  His bud, started grinning and heartily agreed.

We left Porky's and headed down the street.  We went a couple of blocks and we stopped in front of a non-descript building, and we walked in.

My eyes got huge; the goofy grin makes it's 3rd appeaence of the night.  From the doorway, I could see a girl dancing and she appeared...yes, she was topless, and starting to work on the bottoms.  I was a happy boy.

I was completely enveloped in newfound HAPPINESS.

The bartender headed over to ask us for our ID's.  He took one good look at me and told Dino, that all my drinks were double priced.  I guess he must have some kind of amazing mental ability to see past my mature exterior and surmised that I might be falsely representing my age.

Dino looked at me and said "Will you please wipe that goofy grin of your face.  He's letting us stay but your drinks are double price.


He asked us for our drink order and I was about to have my 4th beer of the night.

Before I go any further, I need to describe the current situation.  The bartender looked just like Danny Trejo except with a beer gut. He had all the tattoos, was shirtless, and wearing sunglasses.  And looked like he could really do some damage to a person.  Dino ordered us three beers. I was awfully scared of this guy. 

My newfound happiness was beginning to wane.

With Dino leading the way, we started to approach the stage where the now completely naked woman was dancing away.

Then closer we got to the stage the more my newfound happiness was becoming memory.

I'm not saying the girl were unattractive, but WELL...SHE WAS UNATTRACTIVE.

Suddenly Dino started laughing uncontrollably and pointed across the room. Parked by the door to the strippers' dressing room was a stroller (thank God the baby wasn't in it, but the diaper bag was hanging on the handle). We all started laughing uncontrollably until a new dancer came out with obvious signs that her breasts had just been used for the primary purpose that breasts were designed for...

and there went the last kernel of newfound happiness.

This day I learned that not all strip clubs looked like the kind you see in '80s T&A movies.

But some will look like the ones in '70s T&A movies where they go to Tijuana and expect to see a donkey show.

For the next 3 hours we watched nakedness go from bad to worse.

After that, anywhere was an improvement. We headed to the our last bar of this trip. It was OK, except for a couple who were all over each other. They had their tongues jammed down each other's throats. I could deal with that. Then they pulled back, with their tongues imitating two snakes frolicking and undulating. At this point in my beer haze it made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Afterwards, we went to Jack in the Box and got food. It did not sit well in my tummy after a bunch of beers, the sad strip bar and the dancing snake show.


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