On this day I start a new life in the same way I started my “life.”
Kicking, screaming, surrounded by strangers, hoping someone will hold me and keep me safe.
I have come to terms with my fear of being alone. I slept in a bed knowing no one will be there when I wake up. I made dinner for one. I walked around my apartment looking at it for the first time. I walked around and thought to myself, “I no longer have a girlfriend who I have shared the last eight years with. I said 'goodbye' to that girl who I cared about and who I thought cared about me. Nor do I have a friend that was as close to me as a brother. Whose every word meant the world to me and who spoke the truth with absolute certainty.”
For the first time in nearly a decade, I am on my own, thinking my own thoughts and walking my own path. That's a pretty scary feeling when you see it coming and damn near paralyzing when it broadsides you. Although I am not dealing with the "Oh crap I'm lonely" fear, but the "wow, so where do I go from here" fear.
And, oddly, I'm OK with that.
My life's not over. It just rebooting. I think everyone has to hit the reboot once in a while to be able to embrace the world in all it's magnificent beauty and brutality. I stand here before you all and I'm doing it on my own terms. Naked, bare and stronger than ever before.
Just because I said goodbye doesn't mean that I hate her. All it means is that I know we won't be walking the same path together. But now and then our paths will cross as they are supposed to. Today I walk a path with a mission in my head and a quest in my soul. I intend to look for the person meant only for me. The person who will love me because of who I am. The person who will love me, even if I can't make dreams come true.
I will do all this while breathing. I'll take a deep breath in and I'll and breathe out. While placing one foot in front of the other. Taking one day at a time.
And I'll continue to do this until I'm no longer telling myself to do this. I'll keep doing this until I find that moment when I suddenly realize I'm not walking alone, and you are there. Matching me breath for breath and step for step.