Current mood: fermented
Have you ever done something so stupid that you make
exponentially worse by lying and, your only hope is that there are no witnesses and if there are, that they don't remember?
I am adjusting the exact time frame of this because of Fear...and mostly embarrassment.
I hadn't been to the local mall in about 4-5 years. My
teenage years behind me, the need to look cool and hip (or
in my case like a glam metal god!!) were a thing of the past.
SO basically I had given up my mall rat status and my teased
hair had been cut (although I was re-growing it, a trend I
would endure for many many many years.)
But it did NOT keep me out of the local shops where,
during the 80's, I was able to make myself look like a
flamboyant pirate. Reminiscing of those glitter days gone
by. But on the other hand about 2 years ago, I walked into
two of my favorite "glam shops." Oddly they were still
open. But one had become an alternative goth/emo kid kind
of place and the other had become a vegan clothing store. I
Ahh the joy of memories.
END OF INTERMISSION
But on this day, on my way to a date, I became a man with a
purpose. I had, what one Wakko Warner (from the
Animaniacs) had so eloquently stated as "a potty
I parked the car, and headed towards the mall. I had stated
that I had been a mall rat in a previous decade I knew the lay
of the land. I knew the secret handshake. I would be
returning to my former hang out as a former ambassador of
the mall and not as a tourist. I knew this all to be true
because I had spent so many afternoons and weekends here.
I would be mistaken.
You know I have realized that most of my 'adventures' begin
with those four words hehehe,,,ooooh boy.
END OF INTERMISSION
In my absence of the sacred land of retail, I had come to the
hard realization that the mall had gone the way of
"Desperate Housewives" and had some work done. It was
The restrooms that were just inside the door had been
removed and relocated. Which sent me into "OH MY GOD,
I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!!!!!" mode.
So after that horrible reality punch to try locate the restrooms.
After a very quick glance at the "You are Here." thingy I was
able to deduce where the bathrooms were.
Anxiety began to rear it's ugly little head. It was now a race
against time. This was a horrible feeling, because I was now
doing that shuffle/butt clench speed walk that is very similar
to the pee pee dance but nowhere near as graceful.
After a trek through 1/3 of the mall I found my Atlantis. I had located my Arc of the Covenant. I had found the bathrooms where I wasted no time in my race for the open hands of the porcelain god.
I have always had a fear of using the stalls and coming out
after a particular, let's just call it an episode and seeing someone I know.
END OF INTERMISSION
Not to brag, but I was in fine form this day. I believe I was
the top of my game. This was one of those epic moments
that would have sent men, women, and children believing it
was the apocalypse. There were grunts, labored breathing,
pungent aromas, and there was statements ending in OH MY
Like I said it was EPIC.
After my grueling...episode, like a lone warrior who has battled an army, I emerged victorious. I opened the stall door like I OWNED it. I did a slightly satisfied saunter towards the sins to wash my hands, like a warrior washing his hands in the blood of his victims. I was proud and relieved.
I was most happy.
While washing my hands I started to notice a certain things in the reflections of the mirrors...
1. I don't remember the mens rooms being so...PINK
2. Hey where are the urinals?
3. Hey whats hanging on the wall?
The temperature in the room raised a good 20 degrees. "OH SHI..." was the current thought that had started to manifest itself in my now really frightened mind...as three young ladies walked into the restroom.
There was a deafening silence as we all just stared at each other.
I still don't know where or how the next few moments ever
occurred but they did. Now boys and girls...I must reiterate
my opening statement just so you know where in the story I am...
Have you ever done something so stupid that you make exponentially worse by lying and, your only hope is that there are no witnesses and if there are, that they don't remember?
OK we on the same page? OK, I'll continue.
I pulled out my wallet and did the flipping open and closed thing like it was a badge and I said "Hello, I'm sorry for the awkwardness of this situation, but there was a complaint that there was a guy in here doing some inappropriate activities and I was just investigating it. It's all clear now, I'm just washing my hands and I'll be out in two seconds."
At that moment, the "scent of evidence" from my activities
became apparent. I wished the young ladies a good day and
walked out of the restroom. At the same time that there was
a small mob of women coming to use the same bathroom I
just exited. With my head down, I walked past them.
Glancing back there were a few confused looks that were directed at me. Then I heard "OH it's OK, there was a
complaint about someone doing stuff in here...I think he's a cop."
I froze in my tracks.
I wanted to go back there and tell them that it was an accident. I just walked into the wrong room, and when I realized what I did I got scared and when the girls came in I became really scared. I wanted to make sure my name was clear.
But I didn't. Later that day I called my cousin, who was a security guard at the same mall, and I told him what happened. He laughed so hard he actually dropped the phone.
Today that cousin is a cop, and to bust my chops and every
now and then, he'll call to me as he's walking out of the
bathroom, pull out his wallet, flash his badge and just laugh at me.
Gotta love them memories.
By Marilyn Manson
Release date: 1996-10-08