WHY

why do you love me when no one else did?

why do you listen to every word that's said?

why do you want me in your mad existence?

why do you need me to stand with you?

why do you hold me when I cry at night?

why do you laugh at the stupid things I say?

why do you cry when it's me that hurts?

why do you trust me when it could so easily be a lie?

why do you sleep with me when I steal the covers?

why do you look at me the way you do?

why do you question all the silly things?

why do you accept the tragic things?

why did you dance with me?

why did you keep your secrets?

why do you want to marry me?

why do you want my children?

why do you want me?

why did you choose me?


why?

TO CHOOSE

to stand or fall...I choose to walk
to laugh or cry I...I choose to talk
to sleep or wake...I choose to be
not for you
but for me
to love or hate ...I choose to listen
to sing or dance...I choose to run
to shine or fade...I choose to smoke
not for you
but for me

THE DOOR TO TOMORROW

If life handed you an apple pie and it tasted like apples, that's a good thing, right?

And If life hands you a lemon, you're supposed to make lemonade, correct?

So than, what do you do when life keeps handing you happiness?

I'm not a very nice person (I have ex's who can attest to that).

If someone pisses me off i.e. a person who I thought was a friend and turns out that they did not trust me enough to come with me about something, I'm still nice and pleasant to them.

If a somebody says things about me (race, religion. etc. etc.) that has nothing to do with my personality or generalizes me as nothing but a race, religion etc., I still treat then the same way.

You see before Season I would have torn into them and let loose the hounds of hell so that they knew without any doubt how I felt. That what was done to me did bother me, but now I don't.

You see I feel sorry for them. Not in the "I pity you fool" sort of way, but in the "man, you'll never get me, and that just sucks" kind of way.

I feel bad for us, because when they do this, all it ends up doing is creating a gap between us. The feelings of friendship are now a chasm that separates us.

I will never talk to them the same way I used too. I will not trust them. They are kept at arms length (and I keep hoping my arms get longer).

Now? Well now, the people who do hurt me will never know what their unkind words did.

Instead they get my bogus smile and laugh and a false friend who is keeping his enemies close.

But some how and for some reason, I have the affection and love from the woman who has married me. She looks at me like I really matter and still listens to me, as if my words could move mountains.

She has blessed my life with conversation, with silly topics and the serious discussions. I am fortunate to have a partner, a friend and a wife who wants to share her life with me.

The strength we share, has allowed me to face many of my demons, no matter how ugly they were. She stood by me and still looks at me with love filled eyes.

I thought this was just stories and lies, but here I stand. A believer that true love exists. And that it can keep growing day by day.

So I'm looking at the apple pie and lemonade in front of me. And I'm thinking to myself...do I really deserve this? I honestly don't think so, but Season, she makes me feel like I do. So I take a slice of that apple pie and a swig from the lemonade and revel in the fact that it really is OK to be happy. That it is really OK to find bliss in the person next to you.

That happiness is not a mat that sits on your doorway, but the key that opens the door to a future you never looked towards.

So with that I remain simply...

a happy fool

I DON'T KNOW

I don't know what I'm doing right now,
I'm not following my usual "M.O."
It's something of an idea
to just say what comes in my head
and see where it takes me.
I usually have at least a pattern I follow,
but for once I'm saying "fuck it"
and it seems I get kinda lost doing things this way.
I'm really never sure how to do many things,
I try to take the pass least taken,
but doing that all the time,
it becomes a pattern that I'm trying to break.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
But I'm doing it anyway.

CAN'T

I have been losing control
since I met you
I want to bare my feelings
before your gone
My heart is starting to break
I stand alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

Digital talks, late night drinks
take out for two
We danced again, the first time
we walked away
My heart is starting to break
I cried alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

A gathering of masses
I think alone
Confessions and retractions
than I chose you
My heart is starting to mend
I'm not alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

The first kiss was tentative,
next one lingered
Our lips met, unrestrained love
two became one
My heart is starting to mend
finally home

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

I AM

I never know what to say when I have the words speak
I don't ever know what to look for in a painting
I have no clue what to hear in a song.
I can't dance,
I have no rhythm.
I do not dream because
I do not sleep.
Faith is lost to me because
I don't know what to believe in.
I don't know how to pray,
I never learned.
I cry because there is a sadness
I can't hold in.
I laugh because
I get the joke.
I'm alone because no one else gets it.
I suffocate because
I can't breathe.
I fly because
I finally spread my wings.
I stand because
I refuse to lay down.
I fall and stumble because
I am human.
I live because
I simply do...

A GREATER LOVE

I have never known a greater love
than a baby's smile
or a kittens purr.

I have never seen a brighter light
than a mother's love
or an early morning dawn.

I have never felt a hotter fire
in my lovers eyes
and in her beating heart.

I have never felt a greater love
than being held in her arms
when she comes home from work,
or when I lay myself down for slumber.

I have never known a greater love
until I met you.
I never knew love before,
now I do.

I know my greater love,
It's you.

A USELESS RHYME

the sun rose today, to meet me at noon

the birds flew away, they said I came back to soon

the dog licked his lips and than much lower

we both ran to avoid the javelin thrower

what a silly day this has been

the dreams are starting to begin

a moment of nonsense I share with you

of soap, conditioner and shampoo

a momentary lapse of judgment

and sharing of letters just sent

no rhyme or reason, I don't need one

just a Coke and a cinnamon bun

now that we wasted time

with this useless rhyme

this happy guy

will just say bye...

...for now.

A MOMENT OF DOUBT

There are times when somethings hit me like a runaway freight train. It's like something in me feels something for the first time.

Today I felt a true anguish that shook me down to my core. I felt a sense of loss.

A true loss, not the "Oh crap where are my car keys' feeling, but the "Oh shit, something in me just died" kind of loss. This time it was very different.

It was the "am I really allowed to be this happy" kind of feeling.

I am with a partner who loves me what I feel for her can only be described as bliss. But at the same time I ask myself "Can I make her truly happy?"

I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I can't even pretend to have them. All I know is that I feel so complete when I am with her.

There used to be this HUGE pool of anger that bubbled and boiled deep inside of me.

Now I only find hope, love and a wonderful feeling called tomorrow. I pray that I can give her this everyday. Because inside of my strange little soul I find it whenever I hear her heart beat or whenever she smiles at me. I find myself happier than ever before in my pitiful existence.

For some reason today after watching the fall of fictional character, I find myself wondering. Do I make her happy? Do I make her feel complete? Do I do to her what she does for me? Can I save her?

I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid, it's something I do a lot. I still wonder "am I what she has been searching for?"

I guess that's all I really wanted to say. She makes my world, my life and my soul complete. I just pray that I do the same thing for her.

DEAR CLOSE MINDED PEOPLE

Dear Closed Minded People,

How are you doing today?

I'm feeling a bit of spit and vinegar towards you today.

I saw a shirt that truly pissed me off and well that led me to this little outburst.  The shirt said "Straight Pride" on the front and "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam on Steve on the back.  This shirt just made me realize how simple minded some of you are...no wait, I mean it made me realize what simple minded mother fuckers some of you are.

Gay, Bi or Lesbian, they are still people with real voices and ideas.  They didn't ask you to join them in their lives, but you make sure you try to drag them down anyway.

What they do is not a matter or concern for you.

You are just a drop of piss in the toilet bowl of your own existence.

They like most of us don't care what your opinion is.  They like most of don't want to hear your opinion.

So stop trying to force it down my throat.  I can form my own opinions.  I'm special like that.  I like to make my own opinions.  I usually use things like facts to help but I'm really weird like that.

I don't need you to bring a higher power into a debate over what is right or wrong.  The Bible gave us two simple rules...Love God, and Love each other because in doing so, you love God.  I've read the Bible, a few times.  Never does it say, tear your fellow man down.  Nor does it say beat them up in my name.  Again, and just to reitterate, Love God, and Love each other because in doing so, you love God.

Here are a couple of rules that are evident in the bible...

Turn the other cheek...sound familiar?

Love thy brother as you would thy self...any bells ringing?

I mean we have all heard the saying ignorance is bliss right?  But let's all be honest, it's only blissful when the ignorant leave.

So to all you close minded afterbirths, whose conception was just because the semen leaked after an anal encounter, I have this last statement.

Let it go.

The only true waste of the gene pool, is not the little gay couple having a dinner, but the waste that won't leave them alone.

Get over it.

You really aren't that special.

Sincerely,
Me

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN

Have you forgotten the stolen moments that defines your heart?

The fleeting passage that rang true and straight?

The sliver that broke your heart and the needle that pierced your soul?

Have you forgotten the first tear you shed in heartache?

Have you forgotten the first kiss of youthful love?

Have you forgotten the puddles and the mud?

Have you forgotten you first dance to your first love song?

Have you forgotten how to laugh?

Have you forgotten how to cry?


Have you forgotten how to live?

Only to remember how to die.


Have you forgotten the sky so blue and bright?

Have you forgotten the grass so green and fresh?

Have you forgotten the lake so cold and clear?

Have you forgotten the snow sparkled and white?

Have you forgotten the sunburned noses?

Have you forgotten the cold and wet feet?

Have you forgotten how to scream?

Have you forgotten how to shout?

Have you forgotten how to weep?

Have you forgotten how sing and dance?

Have you forgotten the puppies wet nose?

Have you forgotten the kittens sandpaper tongue?

Have you forgotten how to be a child?

Have you forgotten to open your eyes?

Have you forgotten how to hear the ideas that come from innocence?


Have you forgotten how to live?

Only to remember how to die?


Have you forgotten.

LIKE LIFE

the smell of a hot summer day reminds me of playgrounds and tether ball
swings and slides
of exhilaration when you jump off the swing at its apex
and the tears of the scraped knees when you landed

the sounds of laughter remind me to live in today
look forward to tomorrow
and not dwell on yesterday

the full moon rising reminds me of romance when I'm with you,
and of werewolves when I'm not

the images of wrestling remind me of Sunday mornings with my grandfather and cousins,
and bruises from drop kicks gone awry before church

the sounds of the ice cream man
still make me call for my mom and ask her for a dollar
to get some cool delicious treats that normally ended up melting
because of the brain freeze slowed down the eating
by the time the brain thaw kicked in the “sugar high frozen for mass consumption”
had already melted

the sight and smell of roses shows me that all things beautiful have another side
and that usually you can reach them if you take the time to get to know them
and than realize that even the thorns can be beautiful

the sounds of keyboard keys remind me that I need to write more frequently

the sound of music makes me want to dance
than the sight of me dancing for some reason makes everyone else laugh
and that makes me dance harder and faster
because laughter is still the most beautiful music a man can make

the sounds of thunder make my heart race
my palms sweat
my desire grow
the smell of rain
the sound of rain
the images of rain
is a lot like life
fast and fleeting
longer than some and shorter than others
there are times its scary
and times its peaceful
there are times you're happy to see it
and times when you wish
"rain rain go away"

but mostly its like life.

100 THINGS ABOUT ME

Good day to all who read this...this is the translation for all my recent entries. I guess I’m telling you because soon it’s going to be written in other languages in their characters so now you'll know what it means. Well anyways I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, I thought it would be a cool thing to do. It’s basically a list of 100 things about me that you didn't know. While there are a few of you who know some of these things its a way for the rest of you to get to know me...so here we go


1 I'm Mexican not Hispanic


2 I hate having short hair


3 my mom is one of my closest and best friends


4 my dad is not


5 I have many siblings but only call one my sister


6 my mom gave birth to her


7 I’m the older of 2 (by 12 years)


8 I love snow leopards


9 I’m at work right now


10 this is actually pretty hard to do


11 I’m also an uncle to a niece I’ve met once


12 I love Chinese food


13 I hate spicy food (no not the garlic kind, the melts your tongue kind)


14 I watch wrestling


15 I have since I was 5


16 I love to read


17 I love music


18 so far I've never been arrested


19 so far never had a ticket of any kind


20 I have a real respect for law enforcement they are just doing their jobs


21 I smoke


22 have smoked since I was 15


23 I started because I was bored at work


24 in my immediate family I’m the only smoker


25 smoked pot for the first time when I was 27


26 my virginity was lost at age 12


27 it is a regret


28 I am/was a father at 16.  I didn't know


29 the child was aborted


30 Tina told me almost 2 years later


31 I still hate her


32 that’s the age I currently am


33 I plan on changing that every year


34 I think Johnny Depp is beautiful and talented as an actor


35 no I’m not gay


36 Just that comfortable with myself


37 I hate facial hair


38 I hate shaving more


39 I know it is possible to cut your self with an electric shaver


40 I hate liars


41 I'm good at listening


42 I'm good at talking


43 I'm bad at patience


44 I like cartoons


45 I don't like it when people don't give them a chance


46 I hate people who tell me I’m not using my full potential


47 I love movies


48 I love Amy lee's voice (ask if you don't know)


49 I’ve had 9 girlfriends


50 in high school, I missed 223 days


51 I had to repeat my senior year


52 I graduated and hang my diploma proudly (although its at my moms)


53 I like Jack Daniels


54 he usually hates me the next day


55 I’m not religious


56 but I am spiritual


57 I’m going to have a cigarette now


58 I’m back


59 silence bothers me


60 I don't like crowds


61 I have a fear of ladders and heights


62 I love to laugh


63 I also cry


64 I never cheated on my most current ex


65 she's the only I never cheated on


66 I have a pet chinchilla


67 I want a Great Pyrenees


68 I love 80's hair bands (remember when they were called glam bands?)


69 hehehehehehe


70 I write poetry


71 I think its just ok


72 I like backstreet boys and n*synch


73 I love my job


74 I want to name my son Kyle Jeffery


75 I’ll probably never have children


76 this thought is a sad one


77 I want to get married some day


78 this also will probably never happen


79 I want to name my daughter Ryoko Nicole


80 I have 2 tattoos


81 I want many more


82 I’m easy to talk to


83 I’m easy to get along with


84 I’m impossible to live with


85 I love my car


86 I have no attention span for video games


87 except for Tetris


88 I was born on June 2nd 1972


89 I love driving to new places


90 I hate the city I live in


91 I’m 5'10" and overweight


92 for the first time ever, I’m living on my own


93 that's changing in a couple of days


94 I don't know if I’m keen on that idea


95 my smile is my best feature


96 I’m content right now


97 I don't believe in sharing, if it's mine, it’s mine


98 I never want to see Mexico


99 I’m fiercely loyal to my friends


100 the only reason I do this is because my friend Beverly had a blog site and I thought it was kind of cool, so I started one too. Thank you Bev


and with that

I still and will always remain

Jose AKA J2

ps although now you all know a little more about me  

A NEEDLE'S KISS

an invading kiss

that rips into my skin,

you're lava like tongue

tracing my veins,

you're single tooth

leading me in a death dance,

not releasing me.

forever in your thrall.

holding me in your grasp,

an unrelenting need,

an reproachable hunger,

that makes me a prisoner,

in my own flesh.

your seduction complete.

like a cast iron grip

that scares my mind,

my body

and my soul,

if you ever leave me,

even for just a moment.

a longing left in me

by you,

my needle's kiss.

a desperation to feel...

anything,

anything at all.

TIME

time.

ticks away
at the same speed,
second by second,
but when desire and wants
are added to the dance,
fleeting they are,
and forever they take.
time ticks away
at the same speed,
minute by minute,
but when like and love
are added to the dance,
there's never enough,
or it takes too long.
time ticks away
at the same speed,
hour by hour,
but when longing and yearning
are added to the dance,
that which remains
but for a brief time
and eternity stands permanent,
time ticks away
at the same speed,
never fast enough
and never long enough.

time

I TOOK MY FIRST STEP TODAY

i took my first step today.

the same as i did tomorrow,

i tripped yet i stood up,
than got back down to fall again,

the sidewalk gets smaller the closer i converge,

i'm nearly to my destination,
only to realize i never left,

i looked down at the sidewalk,
only to see the sky looking up at me,

i was walking nowhere,
getting farther than ever before,

i was losing my sanity,
only to stay insane,

I took my first step today.

different than i did yesterday,

i walked off the sidewalk,
to find myself already there,

to ask myself

'what took you so long?'

only to respond 'i was found but now i'm lost',

i laughed at myself,

'you were caged, now you're free' i said,

'being free is frightening' was my reply,

'yeah it is' i answered 'but feeling "anything" is new to you',

'i felt things before' i countered,

'you never felt alive or free before' i retorted,

i took my first step today.

than i took my second.

than i took my third...

REFLECTIONS

Who do you see,

my reflective twin,

my mirror self.

What do you see,

when you stare back at me?

Do you even like that person?

Or do you hate him?

Do you envy me?

Are you jealous because of my substance?

Or am I empty just like you,

flat and two dimensional,

with no real shape.

Am I just a reflection of you?

Am I the mirror image to your existence?

Do you see the person I used to be?

That angry man I used to be.

The child I pretend to be.

Or do you see me the way I am now?

Confused and questioning myself.

Am I living or existing?

Do you see the person I will soon become?

Do you pass judgment on where I’ve been?

Do you see a child, an adolescent, or an adult?

Do you see my joy, my anger, my tears my smile?

Do you know my soul, my heart?

Do you see me?

Do you care to see me?

That’s the question I ask of you, my reflection.

Who do you see when you look at me?

Are you only happy when I’m happy?

Are you only sad when I’m sad?

Do you only see me when I see you?

Or do I only see me when I see you?

SUDDENLY

Suddenly...

it comes to me in a flash of light,

like a bolt of lightning,

dancing and cutting the darks skies.

Suddenly...

like a raging inferno,

enveloping, scorching, searing,

melting and blistering my very essence.

Suddenly...

wide-awake and attentive,

my insight to reality,

now vigilant and wary.

Suddenly...

apprehensive,

to the relevant and obscure.

Suddenly...

everything makes sense.

Suddenly...

absorbed to the banalities

of what isn't

and what won't be.

Suddenly...

I find myself absent,

devoid and hollow.

Suddenly...

I feel a longing,

hungering,

so ravenous,

still craving and yearning for everything.

Yet, all is unobtainable,

absurd,

futile,

impassable,

impractical,

unfeasible,

unreasonable,

unthinkable,

useless,

and unattainable.

Suddenly...

I feel so...alive.

Yet I am not yet born.

Suddenly...

IT'S MAH BIRFDAY WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOO

Hi one and all, Its my birthday and well its really early in the AM, so, I'll be back later to actually write. Thank you...buh bye 4 now.


Jose

THE 4 AM PHILOSOPHER

Hello, hi, and howdy all you losers, freaks and geeks! You all be my peeps, my peers and my friends.

It's been an emotional tornado, a spiritual revitalization, and one damn confusing time. Now I know we've all been there, and some of us will go there again and again.

So just remember you're never alone, even when there's nobody there.

Now what philosophical gibberish am I spewing with the force of projectile vomit?

I have no clue. I never do. I think it I type it. It comes to me in this torrential wave of needing to say something yet never knowing what it is I have to say. I simply call it the "the bullshit world of Jose and my need to drag you all in".

Behind the mask of a higgledy-piggledy, topsy-turvy and slaphappy fool, lies the heart of a confused, scared, happy, sad and angry young man.

Unless you think 30-something is old than that last part changes to old man.

"I'm sorry everything I do is wrong, to you and, you do everything you can to make me feel subhuman".

But my story and life are as unwritten as that to-do list we always tell ourselves we're going to write. Or the New Years resolutions that we never intend to keep.

Confused yet?

It's OK, so am I. But that's cool, we're supposed to be confused. We're not supposed to know all the answers. We are supposed to be imperfect creatures.

Why? OK, here's why. If we know everything than how do we make ourselves a better people? If there is nothing to learn or tribulations to endure, we ourselves become a mere shadow of existence. Never truly alive or living. Just an empty silhouette of someone we have the potential to be, yet never achieving it.

But through the challenges of everyday life for example

• waking up
• talking to the person who you find attractive
• roller blading for the first time
• even just smiling at someone

it is through this simple yet minuscule challenges that make, define and stimulate the greater person you are destined to be. I like that about us humans. We have potential...now prove me wrong like you always do.