May 31, 2010


It's been a long time since I sat behind this keyboard and actually wrote something...or anything that could be construed as new.  Or at least anything that wasn't more than a line or two long.  OK, that's not entirely true either.  I'm in the middle of writing a few stories, that I have hit a slight mental block on, but will be posted when they are done.

But I haven't written a blog in quite a while.

I, in the last few...wait a second...umm do any of you even know anything about me?

Oh I know there a few lovely ladies have been on me to start writing again, and thank you for the emails, they made me feel special and filled me with happiness.  And one gentleman who has wondered where I have been, and I promise you all that I will never be away for that long again.

Let's answer a few of those inquiries first...

I'm Jose and this is my blog and at this exact moment in time, I am sitting in a smokey room and the night is literally about to end.  Thank you Bon Jovi for that little bit of prose.  I know one person in here and the rest of the room is filled with people I have never met before.  The smell of stale beer, cheap cologne and way too much perfume assaults my sense of smell like the battle of Normandy.  I have a diet coke, a pack of smokes, a fully charged laptop and compulsion to write.  I don't have any clue what it is I am going to write, but here I sit with my fingers doing the Elaine dance all over the keyboard.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and in just a few weeks I will have spent one year sober.  Which is probably the only positive thing I have done in my life.  It doesn't mean I haven't tried to do positive things before, just that when your looking at the world through the distorted bottom of a bottle, it's pretty hard to see things clearly.  It's even harder to see what kind of person you are or can be.  Instead you have to look back through the years of devastation and self pity to get a clear picture, and it's never pretty.  Although it is eye opening and quite a humbling experience.

I'm also going through a divorce.  Don't feel bad about this.  I finally came to terms with it in April after being separated for a year.  I don't feel bad that my marriage ended but I do mourn the fact that I lost a really good friend.  Although I am happy that she will finally be able to find a partner and live a life that will make her happy.

Less then a week ago there was a girl who I thought was perfect for me, well she ended our blossoming relationship.  Mainly because I am overweight.  But one point this relationship drove home is the simple fact that if you can't be with me during my low points, you don't deserve me when I reach my high points.  What bugs me about this that in the beginning, it wasn't an issue, but through a Dear John letter it was.  For someone who claimed to always be honest, she failed and quite spectacularly at that.

I should be really upset about the pettiness of it all, but it proved to me two things.

First that I am ready to start a relationship with someone who is willing to be completely honest and second, that honesty is something that is proven not promised.  Those are some amazing lessons to learn, and I am very glad I did.

That's been my last couple of months.

Now the near future has a few more changes happening.  My baby sister is getting married to a good guy.  That makes me very happy.

This just goes to prove that life is constantly evolving and so am I.  Normally, all of these things would have sent me down the road of righteous rage and justifiable anger but it seems it takes a lot more than this to get my hackles up nowadays.

Somehow, someway I have found some peace of mind and the riptide of anger that fueled me for most of my life seems to be less and less of an issue.

So with all that said, thank you for being patient with me.  I've spent to long away from you all and from myself.  I am a writer, and I will no longer deny myself that honest truth.  I may never be a published writer nor will I ever be paid for this, but by god, this makes me happy.   And It's about time I made myself happy...

Not that way you perverts...


With all that said, I am Jose and this is my blog.  Welcome and welcome back...

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