"As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever...for whatever the future may hold." - C. L. Purdy
Hello boys and girls and adults of all ages. Wow, how time flies when one is feeling sorry for themselves. Of course, when I mention "one", with an ounce of shame and a good pummeling from reality I mean me. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I have been crying into my root beer. I have been salting down the sarsaparilla with selfish sobbing. I have thrown myself a month long pity party with a few "woe is me" moments thrown in, for good measure.
Let me tell you the slightly abridged version of the history that led me to the deep end of the "I'm a selfish prick" pool.
My marriage had been on the cliff side of rocky for a while, mainly because I never really matured into an adult. Being the stupid ass that I am, I didn't see this. As far as I knew we were just going through a rough patch. I was not only wrong, I was blind too.
Season on the other hand, knew where we were heading and she was enduring it as long as she could. She tried to tell me in many different ways what was happening. But I never heard a word.
I mean, it's not like it was MY fault.
This story has a beginning...and it had nothing to do with Season. It had to do with the past.
I had some bad breaks as a kid. I grew up in a shitty household with some shitty people as parents. Throw in some abuse, alcoholism and just a pinch of neglect and TADA...crappy childhood.
Now a smart person would have asked for help to get past "the past". A strong person would have sought out help so that they could grow into a functioning well adjusted adult.
I have gone on record a few times stating that I am not a smart man nor am I a wise man. I had to prove myself right.
You see, I believed I was (in my own mind) a better person than all those around me because I survived that nightmare. I was strong. I was resilient. I was wise. I was a rock. I was a survivor and a victor because I came through unscathed from all of those horrible moments.
I was an ass, and I was wrong, dead wrong.
Instead of getting better, I became a self righteous prick. Instead of letting go of all that baggage, I carried it around as a "feel sorry for me" banner:
- "Look at what I went through."
- "It's a miracle I'm as good of a person as I am after trudging through those trials and tribulations."
- "You have no clue how much better you had it."
- "What are you complaining about? Your childhood was SO much better than mine, you have NOTHING to bitch about!"
- "We should end this marriage."
- "You deserve better than me."
- "Well you're going to leave me anyway."
- I'd take off my wedding ring and throw it at her and say "I can't do this anymore."
After a few years of this, she did what any intelligent and sane woman would do. She left.
This is where my story goes from sad to pathetic.
After she left, we started talking a little bit.
This is the point in the story when a mature reasonable person would've started getting help and apologizing for their behavior. They would have began a course of action to change their ways. They would have started the growing up process.
But this is me we're talking about.
Instead of saying all the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I said "If you aint coming back I want a divorce."
Now saying that once once would be understandable. The pain of all of this was still very fresh and very raw. I had a chance to not only do the right thing but to set in motion a series of actions that could have ended with positive changes.
Except I didn't. Not only was that statement said more once, in fact I made that statement and others very similar to it on more than four or five separate occasions.
I compounded this development by saying nothing. For over a month, I said nothing. Nothing at all.
There are millions and billions of different word combination's that all say and mean the same thing. I'm sorry, I'm getting better and I love you. There are an infinite amount of actions I could have taken that could have started the healing process.
Instead I said nothing.
Instead I did nothing.
So last month when I got the email saying that once we get our financial obligations in order, the divorce papers would be filed. I was shocked. I was surprised. I actually asked why is this happening to me. Then I went into that "I have been crying into my root beer. I have been salting down the
sarsaparilla with selfish sobbing. I have thrown myself a month long
pity party with a few "woe is me" state of being.
Well I'm done with that.
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I'm tired of throwing away good things in my life because I have never had the strength or courage to grow up.
I am tired of not being able to look in the mirror because I am ashamed of the being whose visage faces me. But mostly I am tired of not moving forward.
Through words, deeds and inaction I caused the dissolution to something wonderful. Through words, deeds and inaction I lost the chance to salvage anything from something wonderful. I lost my marriage, my wife and my best friend. Now it's time for me to grow up and accept that the only person to blame is me.
I may not be able to do anything about that, but it is in my power to pick up the tattered remains of myself and begin to make something out of that. Life doesn't stop because the path changes. And it's about time I start walking again and for the first time down that path.
My CD and Book recommendations
Pearl Jam - Ten
Where the Heart Is by Billie Letts