WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
Hello my friends, cohorts and those that aren't either, and welcome to my blog.
On this auspicious day I am starting something new. This is where I am going to have some extremely twisted fun. This is STORY TIME. Now what is STORY TIME you ask? Well, let me tell you what STORY TIME is all about. STORY TIME is all those messed up little story ideas that float through my head. They don't really have any kind of beginning, end or even a plot.
What they are, is a couple of paragraphs, mostly in a first person narrative and always in extremely poor taste!!! You know that little filter we all use real world? The filter that stops all the really bad thoughts from coming out in a vocal format? And sometimes they linger, fester and grow in the back of our minds...well that my friends is STORY TIME!!
I am warning you that STORY TIME will be foul, blasphemous, and always in very poor taste. These are the writings I usually delete because of all the reasons I have stated so far. I don't recommend you go any further. If you do...
but in all fairness you have been warned.I GOT JESUS IN MY FAX MACHINE
Let me start by saying I love Jesus!
I have nothing but high regards for the man.
I talk with him all the time. He's my best friend. When Jesus calls on me to do something I do it, because he calls on me a lot. I'm just being honest here. He really does call on me...almost daily.
And usually at bar time.
And just so you know, Jesus is a mean drunk.
I can't tell you how many times I have walked into a bar filled with people and I see Jesus standing with his erection in hand, a bottle of wine in the other and a trail of feces leading right to him.
Or as he is oft to say "Look it's Holy Shit!!! Well LAUGH FUCKWAD." (That's right, I'm 'Fuckwad' to my Lord and Savior. So what? What does he call you? Oooh that's right, he doesn't.)
"My wine will GIVE YOU WOOD SO HARD YOU CAN BE HUNG WITH IT!! Not like the SWILL they SERVE here. This tastes like someone CAME IN MY PISS, AND STIRRED IT WITH A USED TAMPON!! I'm Preaching here, you LIMP DICK HAIRLESS MONKEYS!!"
He says, as he begins to masturbate while humming the theme to the A-team.
"Honey...yeah you, my wine will actually make you...all...kinds...of fuckable!!! That's right FUCKERS, I promised you all a second coming and I KEEP MY PROMISES...AHHHHHH OHHHHH THAT'S THE SHIT RIGHT THERE!!" he yells with a lust satiated grunt.
Yup, that's him "preaching." I can't say I like the new delivery, but he is the Son of God, so what you gonna do. I mean who's ever gonna trump that? Paris, Lindsey and Britney got nothing on Jesus.
It's not that Jesus calling on me bothers me. As a matter of fact he's a pretty nice guy. He's always been there for me. So I feel it only fair to be there for him.
That is until he starts making wine. Than he's just mean.
But when he uses the fax machine, that's when he gets obnoxious.
The things he does with a Polaroid camera, a xerox copier, a marker and a fax machine is just wrong. Let me tell you this, nothing is creepier than getting a grainy fax from the Son of God "tucked" with the caption 'The Daughter of God is...' and then getting a second fax of him bent over exposing his bare bottom, and that caption reads "ready to be taken like an alter boy'.
One thing is for sure, I will NOT tell you what he has done with the holes in his hand, but I know I will never use the term "holy fuck" again. Ever!
So when people tell me they have Jesus in their hearts, I always tell them...
"Be glad he doesn't have your fax number, because I got Jesus in my fax machine, and he's mean."
Powered by ScribeFire.