After sharing the Disappointment Saga (don't worry, more chapters are coming) I was feeling a bit nostalgic. So I went back and started looking through the ARCHIVES.
Wow!! Heh!! OMG!! So for the next week...I'm going to be sharing some of my favorite past entries...and basically giving you directors commentary. Think of it as a lowbudget dvd special feature...
This particular blog began a trend that continues today. I started to blog about moments that were happening in my life...as they were happening. Some of them were good things and some of them were very painful. I had made a very important decision, that I would put my life out there. In some cases it helped with the self healing. In other times,, it would be a reminder of things to grow from. All of the things I would blog from this point on, would be honest representations of my life. Pretty, ugly and indifferent this would be snapshots of my life...
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN 4/14/04
On this day I start a new life in the same way I started my “life.”
Kicking, screaming, surrounded by strangers, hoping someone will hold me and keep me safe.
I have come to terms with my fear of being alone. I slept in a bed knowing no one will be there when I wake up. I made dinner for one. I walked around my apartment looking at it for the first time. I walked around and thought to myself, “I no longer have a girlfriend who I have shared the last eight years with. I said 'goodbye' to that girl who I cared about and who I thought cared about me. Nor do I have a friend that was as close to me as a brother. Whose every word meant the world to me and who spoke the truth with absolute certainty.”
For the first time in nearly a decade, I am on my own, thinking my own thoughts and walking my own path. That's a pretty scary feeling when you see it coming and damn near paralyzing when it broadsides you. Although I am not dealing with the "Oh crap I'm lonely" fear, but the "wow, so where do I go from here" fear.
And, oddly, I'm OK with that.
My life's not over. It just rebooting. I think everyone has to hit the reboot once in a while to be able to embrace the world in all it's magnificent beauty and brutality. I stand here before you all and I'm doing it on my own terms. Naked, bare and stronger than ever before.
Just because I said goodbye doesn't mean that I hate her. All it means is that I know we won't be walking the same path together. But now and then our paths will cross as they are supposed to. Today I walk a path with a mission in my head and a quest in my soul. I intend to look for the person meant only for me. The person who will love me because of who I am. The person who will love me, even if I can't make dreams come true.
I will do all this while breathing. I'll take a deep breath in and I'll and breathe out. While placing one foot in front of the other. Taking one day at a time.
And I'll continue to do this until I'm no longer telling myself to do this. I'll keep doing this until I find that moment when I suddenly realize I'm not walking alone, and you are there. Matching me breath for breath and step for step.