Well hello and Good day to all my friends, cohorts and those undecided, today I'm smooth like a diaper...the same diaper that traps my nephews hind side emissions, which upon first sniff makes you think there's a present waiting but it's just a false alarm...an eye burning, gag reflex inducing false alarm.
Just had a random thought...Most of you know that Kermit the Frog does a YAY! and then flails his arm...so would he be the original "fist pump"er?
How to NOT build self esteem...
MOM: Son, don't have children....
ME: Huh? Where did that come from?....
MOM: Promise me....
MOM: I don't want to have to explain your "stupid" genes, to yet another generation.
Hello my friends, cohorts and those still undecided, Today I am smooth like Steven Seagal...Under Siege (the original and only the original) Steven Seagal NOT Steven Seagal: Lawman (the TV series) Steven Seagal.
"Just looked out the window and noticed the sky is blue. Scared me a little...then I remembered it's SUPPOSED to be that color. Been a while"
"In this crazy topsy turvy world no one will give a hill of beans what my score was on Atari's Tempest...but it was dang high"
"Dear LA Drivers, Not letting me into your lane doesn't mean u will get there faster. It means you're a douche. Love, Black Prius"
"Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer."
Hello my friends, cohorts and those yet undecided...today I am smooth like 80's rock hair...sure it helped put a hole in the ozone layer...but you gotta admit them do's were just EPIC!!!
Is it strange that I miss sitting around a table pretending to be an elf, while wolfing down cheap pizza, Jolt Cola and hoping to god that the orc doesn't kill me??
You know you're getting old when people who are half your age can smoke legally...and have been able to for 6 months
You know you're getting old when people who are half your age can purchase those magazines and videos your parents never wanted you to see...
You know you are getting old when people who are half your age, you can legally date...esp when you can meet them in pubs...THANKS SYNDI
“What is kinky? Something with kinks or twists. Well that’s all of us, isn’t it? It’s just a matter of finding who fits with your kinks."
"Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks."
Hello my friends cohorts and those still undecided, Today I'm smooth like a cigarette smoking cat, What? Don't Judge Me! I didn't teach it!
May your day be filled w/ the sounds of laughter, the promise of hope & blessed with friendships both new & old. Until our paths cross again
You know you are getting old when your favorite song only gets played on the "classic rock" stations.
You know you are getting old when you realize that the day you graduated high school, most of the kids graduating high school now were born
You know you're getting old when you see a concert t-shirt from a show you went to, worn by someone who wasn't even born yet, looking brand new & they're not available in adult sizes
You know you're getting old when you can remember buying albums and cassettes before the mandatory "Parental Advisory" stickers.
You know you're getting old when you can remember buying albums and cassettes
You know you're getting old when you can remember the last time a fashion trend was popular....thanks Michelle
You know you're getting old when you hear the phrase "What do you wanna do with your life?" And the first answer that pops into your head is "I wanna rock!"
You know you're an 80's child if you were ever afraid to eat Pop Rocks and drink Pepsi, fearing your stomach would burst from the reaction
You know you're an 80's child if you fully understand the the significance and the need for 1.21 gigawatts of electricity
You know you're an 80's child if you know who Meat Tuperello and where he's from.
You know you're an 80's child if you know who Johnny 5 is...
You know you're an 80's child if you know the significance of "$2.00 dollars, I want my $2.00 dollars"
You know you're an 80's child if you associate Peter Gabriel with rain and boom boxes..
You know you're an 80's child if you know not to touch what belongs to One Eyed Willie...
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
You know you're an 80's child if you wondered what white bread with butter, Cap'n Crunch and Pixie Stix as a sandwich would taste like
"I Don't give a flyin **ck besides how would I If my arms were flappin?"
Hello friends, cohorts & those undecided, Today I'm smooth like a Cherry Coke I mean a diet Cherry Coke, WAIT, an ice cold diet Cherry Coke,
Hello friends, cohorts & those undecided, Today I'm smooth like the velvety tones of crooner Micheal Bolton's tender & emotional music, waiting for a punchline, huh? There isn't one, I happen to like Mr Bolton's music. I know, let the ridicule begin...
"Rush Limbaugh says if Health Care Reform passes, he's moving to Costa Rica. Isn't that reason enough to vote "yes?"
"We live in such a strange world. We just love to put everyone into little boxes with labels on them. Gets us off."
You know you had awful parents growing up...if they let you, drink from the hose as a kid.
You know you had awful parents growing up...if you were "grounded outside" during the Summer.
You know you had awful parents growing up...if they let you ride your bike without a helmet, knee pads or elbow pads.
You know you had awful parents growing up...if you were more worried about coming home with ripped jeans then you were about the gash on your leg.
Awesome Quote of the Moment - "If you get out of the chase, you will never finish your journey much less win the race." Jim 'JR' Ross
Hello friends, cohorts & those undecided, Today I'm smooth like Watermelon Jolly Ranchers...because they are yummy...and when I say yummy I MEAN YUMMY!!!...
"Oxygen is a privilege, not a right."
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
"Just got back from the hospital my daughter suffered her 1st concussion ran head first into bday present bunk bed ladder.she is hardcore now"
"To absent friends, lost loves, old Gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due."
"Dumbest thing I've seen all day: a Master lock on a plastic chain."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
I'm trying to figure out which is more unnerving, being remembered or being forgotten...
"I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!"
"I mean, when I was a kid, Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!"
"I mean, when I was a kid, there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons"
"I mean, when I was a kid, there were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to walk, ride a bike, get a ride to the record store and shoplift it yourself."
"If I say "he's a good friend" I mean: he can see me in the morning without make-up. Variations: he can see me in a bikini, no tan or playing video games"
Cougartown is the best comedy on TV! That show is 15 shades of awesomeness and 10 shades of brilliant stuffed in an amazing comedic taco!!!!
Happy Cinqo de Mayo! errr I mean Arbor Day! oops I mean Happy Sweetest Day? wait is it Secretary's Day? Oh It's St. Patrick's Day...YAY!!!!
"I have slept with irish girls & been to ireland which makes me more irish than 99% of the fucks celebrating st paddys today"
I am so tired of not being able to sleep like a normal person...this 2 hours at a crack is killing me...
"Mmmm....Coffee - Ahhh....Doggie snuggles - Grrr....Medicine"
"Four wheelin' is always fun! But the guy at the car wash is gonna hate me."
Guide to changing your own life: Realize it’s possible, instead of telling yourself why you can’t.
Become aware of your self-talk. Squash negative thoughts like a bug. Replace them with positive thoughts.
Love what you have already. Be grateful for your life, your gifts, and other people. Every day.
Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t. Don’t compare yourself to others. But be inspired by them.
Accept criticism with grace. But ignore the naysayers. See bad things as a blessing in disguise. See failure as a stepping stone to success.
Surround yourself by those who are positive. Complain less smile more. Image that you are already positive. Then become that person in your next act
"I am manfully fighting the urge to unscrew people's heads and check inside their brain-caves for bad wiring"
"You know I learned that my girlfriend monitors Twitter so I can't ask girlfriend advice here without paying for it."
Sweet Baby Jesus why?? Didn't you suffer enough the first time around? Heck I try to ignore myself at least 4-5 times a day....Heh...Heh heh...
"Ke$ha was atrocious on Idol this week. What a brutal season. Please comeback Obi Wan Kelambert-u are our only hope..."
I have two open slots available...and for some reason that just sounds so dirty...
Heh...I'm the Batman...but not the cool Adam West Batman...instead I'm the Christian Bale Batman...
"Psst...Orlando Bloom is sitting at the table next to me at dinner...I feel like we are having dinner together...Except we're not..."
I saw 15 kids lined up at Wal-mart to get The Twilight movie that comes out at midnight...which is no big deal because these are the same kids who hang out at Wal-mart at midnight anyway...
Regarding Paramount remaking "The Monster Squad" - NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Unless it's awesome. I mean Avatar/Serenity/Matrix/Lord of the Rings awesome. Otherwise HANDS OFF HOLLYWOOD!!!!!!
If we're 90% sure we did nothing wrong. Why do we spend so much energy worrying about the remaining 10%. It's like were wired to feel guilty
How petty & sensitive R we getting when a social network application can cause problems between the people who R supposed to be your friends
"Everyone in life is gonna hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain."
Bobby Hill is preaching against fornicating...LMAO
Hello cats and kittens...oh wait that's someone elses greeting...what I meant to say is...Hello friends and cohorts and those undecided today I'm smooth like a pick up line
Me: Hello, Nice weather huh?
Her: I'm a lesbian, I'm married, I have herpes, and you're ugly
Her: Just covering all my bases
“Celebrate your success and stand strong when adversity hits, for when the storm clouds come in, the eagles soar while the small birds take cover”
"And I thought, wow Nordstrom has really gone down hill. Then I realized I was inside JCPenny."
Hello friends and cohorts and those undecided today I'm smooth like..Sugar. Spice. And everything Nice.These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little boy. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction... Chemical X. Thus the Powerpuff Boy were born! Using their ultra-superpowers Jose has dedicated his life to fighting crime and the forces of evil.
Hello my friends, cohorts and those still undecided, Today I am smooth....like yuletide bliss...only 9 more shopping months till Christmas...I like books and DVD's :D
It's official, my brain is for the most part useless, I had to dig out the yearbook to start putting names with faces...
Hey I'm mean...yeah...that means I can go put on my pleather jacket, and sing and dance like those bad apples from West Side story...cuz they were tough street hombres...Yeah I'll be a Jet...all this because I can be mean today...
Awesome Quote of the moment - "Before I go to work. All you people out there you have permission to kick ass today.. no need to take names just kick ass."
Greetings my friends, cohorts and those still undecided, today I'm smooth...like a Ken Doll...and it's also embarrassing knowing that doll is hung better than I am...:( Heh
"I REFUSE to see negativity...lets all do it and conquer! World is gettin scary enough without us adding negativity to it!"
Here's a thought for you...if you were a dessert what would you be?? (do you think we can keep this at least PG rated...thanks)
Hola amigos please click-o on the elite-o guard-o so we can go and kick-o some mucho butt-o... Thanks
I'm the one with the girlie hand gesture...*reaching into wallet and taking out man card* useless piece of crap, have to keep giving it away, because of stupid man card rules...
Hello friends, cohorts and those still undecided. Today I am smooth like a cue ball...and they itch!!! Stupid razor burn!!! Stupid little razor bumps!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!
I am not a smart man...nor am I a wise man...isn't having a Spy Museum counterproductive to their profession?????
I have come to the conclusion that I have the coolest friends on the planet!!! Thank You people for making this place not only tolerable but a joy to be in it!!!!
How many of you really know all of the people on your friend list? I mean personally know? Here's a task for you. I want all of the people on my list to post how they met me. After you have completed this, re-post this in your status box. You will be amazed at what you read...