"Sometimes you're crossing the bridge, knowing that the second you get to the other side, you're going to burn the bitch down."
"Dear empty tummy, Shhhhhhh. So loud! You're scaring the dogs. Sincerely, the rest of our body"
Hello my friends. cohorts and those still undecided...Today I'm smooth...like Tang...because it's yummy, orange and good enough for astronauts, and if it's good enough for astronauts it's good enough for me.
"Apparently Oral Roberts is dead, but no reports yet of his being staked, beheaded and garlic being shoved in the stump"
"I 'ate my feelings' and I think they may have given me diarrhea."
"I dreamed a baby grizzly bear was my friend but then it ended up crushing my head. Luckily I woke up before he totally ended the friendship"
Dear Snowplow, Thank you for filling in the driveway, I had nothing else planned for this morning...signed The guy who gave you the one finger salute.
Dear Mr. One Finger Salute, I saw your rude gesture. I'm only doing my job, today my job is to make sure I put MORE snow in your driveway....signed "What's MY name, Bitch!"
"Sexy and scary, it's a fine line."
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
"Do living rooms eventually sicken & die?"
How NOT to build up self esteem...
Mom - Don't worry, with looks like yours, be grateful you have a strong personality.
Me - Don't you mean good?
Mom - No.
"I used to think of all the billions of people in the world, and of all those people, how was I going to meet the right ones? The right ones to be my friends, the right one to be my husband. Now I just believe you meet the people you're supposed to meet."
"Not wearing underpants and watching Castle. My Bucket List gets shorter every day."
Hello friends cohorts and those yet undcided, Today I'm smooth...like ICE...but not just any ICE, I'm talking about that patch that sits right where the garbage cans go, the place where unsuspecting victims, can slip and fall on their pasty, fat asses as a few carloads of people drive by...yeah I'm that smooth
"How come I can spend $$$ on shoes w/o batting an eye but I wait until the damn screen falls off the back of my laptop before I get a new 1 ?"
"Jesus, what a weird day. Time to sit around naked and drink whisky under the stars. Until some cop tases me."
"Best way to ease emotional pain? Laugh your tushy off. I also find doing the running man to old Salt-n-Pepa works wonders."
"The question I've been struggling with is as follows: Do I teach my son to hate the same people/places/things I do, or let him learn to hate on his own?.... And as a follow up, what is the appropriate age for a first sword?"
"A sense of humor is a power in life...try to find yours if you've lost it..."
"Can someone explain to me how a man-slut gets the same network coverage as our President or a telethon for Haiti. Anyone?"
"Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer."
OH YEAH!!! Here's a little throwback to all the fans of the 80's rock...oh yeah there's some course language, so it's not suitable for all ages...wow look at me being a 'sponsible 'dult.
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
Hello my friends, cohorts and those yet undecided, Today I'm smooth like velvet...black velvet...Black velvet and that little boy's smile, Black velvet with that slow southern style, A new religion that'll bring ya to your knees, Black velvet if you please
"It costs nothing to say something kind. Even less to shut up altogether."
Hello my friends, cohorts and those yet undecided, Today I'm smooth like the vocal stylings of the great Rick Astley...now that's SMOOOOooooooth!!
"Maybe I would have been thinner, richer and more sober if my childhood Idol wasn't Bluto Blutarsky from Animal House."
"My mission, is to one day be as cool of a human as my doggies think I already am."
"KILLER whales. Not Cuddle Whales. Not Soft Whales. They're called KILLER whales. How does this point escape people?"
How NOT to build up self esteem...
Mom - You should lose weight.
Me - Why? To be healthy?
Mom - No.
Me - To get a Girlfriend?
Mom - No.
Me - Why then?
Mom - Because you're fat.
A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010) Trailer - THIS MY FRIENDS MAKES ME VERY VERY HAPPY because this one actually looks very very scary...*waving arms like Kermit the Frog* "YAAAAAAY!!!!!"
Hello my friends, cohorts and those still undecided...Today I am smooth like heartburn...Damn you Ponza Rotta's from yesterday...Damn You...but YOU WERE SO GOOD...I'll see you soon *wink*!!!
"Damn. Woke up this morning and my house is on top of a witch."
YOU ARE EVIL!!! Or I just don't like ICP...well I don't like them, so that makes YOU EVIL!!! Problem solving in my head is fun...even Evel Knievel couldn't make the leaps my brain makes when jumping to conclusions...heh
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
Hello my friends, cohorts and those still undecided...Today I am smooth like a freshly shaved face...so very smoo...awww crap I missed a patch....screw it, I'll reshave later today...
"I have invented a cocktail called The Pint Of Whisky that uses a pint glass, whisky, and slapping anyone asking for a cocktail."
A true friend doesn't care what you're wearing, if you're home is tidy or not, if you're car is making funny noises, that you only have $5 in the bank this week, or that you and you're loved ones aren't perfect and do actually fight...a true friend just likes you for you! Repost this if you have at least one true friend
"USA = we lose hockey games, win wars & give ppl freedom. Canada = wins hockey games, strip clubs & good crepes."
Dear Internet, By all that is Great and Holy I did not realize that staying away from the computer for one day would then equal 3 hours of reading updates, emails and status's. I'm sorry internet, I will not neglect you again. Signed, Internet's Bitch