WOOOOOOOOO!!! or WOW, YOU MEAN THERE'S STUFF ON THE WEB BESIDES PORN????

Quote of the day:

"as if the word alternative automatically means something good. I mean, suicide is an alternative to life but that doesn't mean it's a good thing ya know? LOL"

Gregory Helms http://www.myspace.com/gshelms


Alright, I made it.

Yeah baby!!

Go me!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

It's the little things in life that make me happy. And it's the little things in life that don't mean too much, until you look back and realize that upon reflection it wasn't a lot of little things, but one long wonderful journey filled with ups, downs, goods, bads, rejoices and regrets.

I hope you are all in good health and high spirits because I have a little story to tell.

It's not a monumental story, as a matter of fact it's kind of a rewrite, because in my infinite lack of wisdom I lost the original post, and now I have to rewrite it.

Which normally would have pissed me off to know end, but instead I get to write a concise and clear tale.

It all started after the death of HAL (if you don't understand read the previous entry). After I brought home HAL-2, I was in quite a funk.

So after playing POGO for a couple of weeks and hearing about this new online community called My Space, well I decided to be on the cutting edge of trends and make myself a My Space page.

It was a slow process (because if it isn't porn, I'm lost). When it was time to choose my profile pic, I wanted it to be fun and cute.

Partly because I'm not fun and nor cute. Actually I'm pretty boring and mostly average looking.

I know when my wife reads this she'll go off on me...AGAIN. But it's my story and I'll tell it the way I want to.

I went to some My Space pages and started looking at some of the profile pictures.

I saw a lot of people use South Park style images, and I said to myself "Jose, those are pretty cool AND nifty!!" (yes I actually talk to myself and use my name. Why? Cause that's what my name is, and I wanted to make sure that I was listening).

So being a Jeff Hardy fan (he's a wrestler for the WWE for those that don't know) and seeing how cool AND nifty some of the South Park Jeff's were, I decided to look for one that yours truly could use.

I went to Google because Google knows all. So I typed in Jeff Hardy (of course in my usual lack of wisdom I did NOT click on images link but the usual standard Google search).

Lo and behold a name came up at a site and I said "Holy Moley Jose!! Jeff's brother Matt has a My Space page!! I must check this out, because it's probably a some person just pretending."

If you think that's a long winded self conversation, you outta see me when I have to do housework. I spend hours telling myself why I should stop watching the Arena Rock station on digital cable and go dishes instead.

I went to check it out and much to my delight, it actually is the Matt Hardy myspace site with the real Matt Hardy.

I then noticed he had a blog, and since I like reading blogs I checked it out. I read his blog and saw that has a list of "REAL WRESTLER" My Space sites.

So I said "Jose you aren't doing anything else right now, you might as well check them out."

And all was good in the universe.

Now why am I talking about all of this? Well today while watching TV (or more accurately while I was watching South Park, she was reading last months WWE Magazine.) It dawned on me how much she has gotten into sports entertainment.

I should add that she also spent some time reading the WWE MAGAZINE SPRING PREVIEW because it had a profile and brief history on most of the WWE superstars.

Because of her tendency to get sick or faint at the sight of blood, there are some matches she can't and won't watch.

She either loves or hates the story lines, critiques the matches, gives her opinions on the wrestlers (both new and old) and of course she gets vocal when it's a wrestler she loves (or hates).

I guess I feel very special knowing that she has taken a very REAL interest into one of passions, and that we can actually enjoy it together.

I'M BACK...AGAIN AND FOR THE FIRST TIME

I know.

Just when you get used to the idea of me being on here the computer gods treat me like a litter box.

Since the premature demise of the previous HAL (you know from 2001 a space odyssey), I was pretty much devastated. I lost a lot of things I was working on. A book, a couple of stories, a lot of poems that I was really proud of, some web comic ideas and story lines and some social and political stuff I was working on (you know to make this world a better place to live).

It all went the way of dookie in a flush.

Two months later I get a new HAL (see above what this means). The first thing I did was log in to write my "I'm back Again" blog...and nothing.

I had nothing to say.

My "Hey look I'm back again" self promo parade went the way of beta max and Stretch Armstrong.

I was finally defeated by the computer pantheons. So since I was blank, I went to the back up plan, I surfed.

That's right ladies and gentlemen I caught up on the web comics and blogs and in the process I found a few more areas of possible internet distractions.

I found new and better ways to waste time.

But I kept coming back here, for the inspiration to get me blogging again.

Eventually I found it. Sort of.

I had to update the blog and found out I could make it more me. That started some ideas rolling.

THEN, I started playing around on My Space and of course being the trend setter I am, I created a My Space page with some fun things but not that different than here. The Blog you read here, will be the same blog there.

Eventually, I will combine everything I have written and assemble it all in one place but that's a project that's destined for the future.

For some of you I'm Back...and thank you for having me.

For others Hi, I hope you enjoy the train wreck that is me.

UNSCHEDULED HIATUS

HAL has officially died.

Right now I am stealing my sisters so I can let you all know what's happened.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Jose

FEELING SAPPY 2

Now anybody in the "country music know" has heard of Martina McBride. She has a beautiful voice, and not bad on the eyes. Oh give me a break...I'm a guy, I notice things like that, hee hee. So about a month or so ago, I was at work and the local rock station (the HOG 102.9) was just pissing me off. They were playing the same people over and over, so I switched to a country station, specifically FM 106.1. Well they do a syndicated late show for their graveyard shift called After Midnight with Blair Garner. Well he was making this big deal about playing a song for the first time, not on any album, just written kinda thing. Than he starts saying that it will be "officially debuted" on the CMA awards.

Well ok, that perked up my ears, and than he mentioned that it was Martina McBride AND that she co-wrote it. He also said that Martina's husband had sent them the recording and that they would have Martina on. Well now I had to hear it. This cat was curious. A piquing was occurring. So later that night, she was on, they talked a bit, than they played her song.

It was a beautiful and inspiring piece. Her vocals were as usual dead on. But the music and lyrics moved me and still do. The song is Called "Anyway" and is in my opinion a damn near perfect song.

So here ya go...

LYRICS

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway


and now the song

FEELING SAPPY

You know those times when a song (or in this case a pair of songs) hits the heart strings and makes you laugh, think or it justmakes you tear up? Well that's the case here. It's a song by a country guy named Rodney Atkins. Now this isn't his first album, it's his 3rd and it's called If You're Going Through Hell.

(That's something I found out just before I started writing this...well as I was saying)

He caught my attention with a song called "If You're Going Through Hell (Before the Devil Even Knows)." Now anybody who knows me, I'm the worst song lyric memorizer of all time. Hell there's songs I LOOOOVE that I still don't know all the lyrics to...but again with the difressing. Well by the 3rd or 4th time I heard that song (and lyrics) were stuck in my medulla oblongata.

This time for some reason, completely unknown to me, his second single off this album (gawd does that show my age...I guess to you wee ones in case you have no clue what is referred to when one mentions albums, the terminology of the "street talk" would be...his second single off this CD. See, I'm educating and teaching. It's just something I do. LOL) is called "Watching You" and it it makes me get all emotional and weepy. So after all that here it is.

Lyrics

Driving through town just my boy and me
with a happy meal in his booster seat
knowing that he couldn't have the toy till his nuggets were gone
green traffic light turned straight to red
i hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
as fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
well then my four year old said a four letter word
that started with "s" and i was concerned
so i said son now where did you learn to talk like that

chorus one

he said i've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
i'm your buckaroo, i wanna be like you
and eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
we got cowboy boots and camo pants
yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
i wanna do everything you do
so i've been watching you

we got back home and i went to the barn
i bowed my head and i prayed real hard
said lord please help me help my stupid self
then this side of bedtime later that night
turning on my son's scooby doo nightlight
he crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees
he closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
and spoke to god like he was talking to a friend
and i said son where'd you learn to pray like that

chorus two

he said i've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
i'm your buckaroo, i wanna be like you and
eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
we like fixing things and holding mama's hand
yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
i wanna do everything you
do so i've been watching you

bridge

with tears in my eyes i wrapped him in a hug
said my little bear is growing up
he said but when i'm big i'll still know what to do

chorus three

cause i've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
i'm your buckaroo, i wanna be like you
and eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
then i'll be as strong as you and superman
we'll be just alike, hey won't we dad
when i can do everything you do
cause i've been watching you

and now the video...

PRETTY PICTURES

What a pretty picture we make.

So happy that you'd never see the black cesspool that grows bigger and bigger where a heart should be. You don't see anything but what you want to see.

"You were all so happy what went wrong?"

Fucking pricks and cunts. You keep closing your eyes and plugging your nose to the festering pile of shit that you put in a pretty picture frame. You obviously missed the fighting, the screaming and the avoiding of each other.

"It'll work itself out."

Lying bastards.

"We didn't see this coming!"

Ignorant and useless mother fuckers. You'd see everything if you took your heads out of your respective and collective fecal orifices. You didn't see anything because it was better for you if you didn't see anything.

"Oh he would never do that!"

Yes, you are so right because the bruises on my back, arms and throat came from the gentle hugs and words of appreciation. Yes, that's where it comes from. Not from an alcoholic tap dance done on a body because you were late coming home from school, by 10 minutes. It had nothing to do with him being a mean mother fucker whenever he swam in his haze of booze.

Or from a loving mother who said "Stop it, if you want to kill him I'll do it for you," than gave a loving embrace with two hands around my throat.

Yeah thanks for the save.

You want a pretty picture?

I can't give you one.

If that's all you expect from me, than you never knew me.

I can live with that.

I already have.

And I still am.

GIRL TAKES A PHOTO EVERYDAY FOR 3 YEARS

Now this is a cool concept that takes planning and a lot of patience. Now the overall effect is cool as hell, especially when you notice the changes, and it's a pretty decent way to kill a couple of minutes.
Girl Takes A Photo Everyday For 3 Years

29 YEARS OF WASTING TELEVISION TIME

I shared this bit of information with my wife a while back and now I share it with you.

I have wasted 29 years of my life watching wrestling.

Up until I was in fourth grade, I thought it was real. There was this moment in the AWA - American Wrestling Association, when Jumping Jim Brunzel (who happened to be one of my favorite wrestlers) gets "cut with a sword" by Sheik Adnan Al-Kaissy and I was in tears. Begging my mom to find out what hospital (because of course, he was taken away on a stretcher) he was at so I could visit and give him well wishes.

Looking back, I can very honestly say, "Yes I was(and still am) a mark."

Of course now being at the ripe young age of 34 with too much wrestling knowledge, I sit there and complain about weak matches, weak story lines and weak mic skills.

My wife will sit and watch it with me (as long as it's not a bloody match-you see she tends to faint at the sight of blood) and she gets excited and pissed off at the wrestlers or the story lines too.

She enjoys watching the high fliers (she tends to refer to it as "a dance") as compared to the brawlers, but she can watch a technical match too. And bless her heart, she has the wrestlers that just piss her off.

These are the wrestlers that tend to be heels (or the bad guys). Of course, in my ultimate lack of wisdom and when I want to get under her skin, I have a tendency to emulate their poses and/or catch phrases...which tend to drive her nuts (and not in a good way).

So why am I talking about this now? I just finished watching Monday Night Raw and it was actually a fun show.

There was, as usual, a few weak moments but overall a fun way to waste 2 hours.

Another reason I'm talking about it is simply because I can. I am a fan. I have been a fan for quite a while. It's something my grandfather got me watching...and to this day I still do.

Jose

TIS THE SEASON WHO SHARES...

Season played this for me,

and now I give it to you,

because she says it's funny.

And she's standing over my shoulder insisting how funny it is.

Telling me I should be laughing louder

now she's using force to make me laff louder.

COME MONDAY IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT (except for the fact of work...that just sux)

It's Monday afternoon...I just woke up...and I'm already running behind. Gotta be running now...can't be late for work. Just thought I'd tell you all how my day is going. And right now, it sucks.

Jose

SUNDAY MY PRINCE(ss) WILL COME, SUNDAY WE'LL MEET AGAIN

Just another boring Sunday. Had breakfast for supper, got laundry done and watched Dexter, and now I'm going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow.

Jose

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SNOW BUSINESS

We have had our first official snow day, well rain, freezing rain, sleet and than snow but it is SE Wisconsin, so around here you get used to the idea of the varied precipitation.

Which on the plus side means it's almost Christmas.

On the negative side it also means I have to actually buy a shovel to clear away some of that wintry goodness away from the front door.

But another plus...it means a lot more snuggling with Season.

Negative side...I get to feel the sub-arctic coldness from her tush and feet when we sleep.

Plus side, means working on new ways to warm her up.

Negative side, it means our cats are going to be a lot more aggressive come sleep time, because who knew with all that fur, those rotten little monsters want more warmth and start hogging the bed...while we're still sleeping in it.

Oh well...

Time to go watch Cars, because that's what ya supposed to do on a Saturday morning.

Watch cartoons, that is.

OK be back soon.

Jose

STUNNING IMAGE

stolen with respect to the originals at

http://www.athropolis.com/news/berg-pic.htm for the text and to

http://fazigu.org/~quinn/ejokes/ for the image


A Beautiful ... but Impossible Photograph

This dramatic picture of an iceberg weighing approximately 300 million tonnes has been represented as taken by a drilling rig manager off the coast of Newfoundland.

Supposedly, the water was calm and the sun was almost directly overhead so that the diver was able to get into the water and take the picture.

But how could anyone take such a picture? The maximum visibility in water is 200 feet. You could never see the underside of an iceberg that size in one shot - and where does all the light come from at that depth?

In fact, the picture is not real. It is a digital composite by

Ralph Clevenger,

a nature and underwater photographer who finds the stories circulating about his "impossible" picture amusing.

Four separate images were used; the sky, the background, the top iceberg (shot in Antarctica), and the underwater iceberg (shot above water in Alaska and flipped upside down).

The picture does, however, accurately represent the amount of an iceberg that is hidden underwater. It was designed to illustrate the concept of "what you see is not necessarily what you get".

MORE CRAP ABOUT ME...YOU MIGHT NEED A PLUNGER

1) Do you panic when people come over and feel the need for your home to be "perfect?"

YES!!!

2) On a scale from 1-10, how organized are you?

3

3) Have you ever played laser tag? Paint ball?

NO!!! I don't like being shot at. Period!

4) How many bottles of wine are in your house right now? Liquor? Cases of beer?

0, 0, 0

5) Have you ever tried "Eastern" methods of medicine or other "alternative" methods?

Nope

6) What is your desktop picture? Screen saver?

Some comic my wife found on the net, and no screen saver

7) Who put on the best concert you've ever been to?

Motley Crue

8) How many songs do you have in iTunes (or other mp3 organizer)? About how many cds do you own?

0, and close to 400

9) What is your favorite piece of computer software?

the whole thing...if it was just a piece, wouldn't that mean it was broken?

10) Why did the chicken cross the road?

cuz it was easier than trying to drive with those claws and wings

BACK AGAIN...FRONT AGAIN...SIDE TO SIDE...NOW WERE DOING THE CHA CHA

I've been married to my wife for 199 days and been living with her for 564 days and she is THE girl.

She fills me with joy, pain, happiness, sadness, lust, desire, love and pisses me off beyond belief.

She's the girl I can't walk or runaway from, and being a guy who has done both(a lot) that's saying quite a bit.

She leaves me little notes in my emails. They're little one or two sentences statements, but they mean the world to me.

Right now she's sleeping, and I was watching her sleep, and it is one of the most beautiful sights I have been witness to. I am able to see the wonder of her sleeping and waking up.

I'm born again every time I see her smile and laugh and I die a little bit every time she cries or is in pain, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

We share the little adventures, tragedies and mundane moments that, when you piece them together, is our lives.

This blog is named after the moment that we started to realize that we were meant to be friends, partners, lovers, husband and wife. It was a simple little dance, done to appease an un-relentless friend...and we danced.

That was the first true step we took together on our journey.

When I stumble or fall, I swallow my pride, and I take that extended hand.

I may kick and scream while doing it, but there it is, my hand in hers.

It's early and this slow dance song is over. I have a wonderful woman waiting for me, and I've kept her waiting long enough.

The next song will start shortly.

WELL OK WHAT THE HELL

This damn SOB is still working so I figured I'd just say hi....."SO HI MO FO"S" If'n you actually want me to say somthing more...than leave a comment. If'n you don't...well than don't. Hell I keep it simple.

Jose

I FOUND MY VOICE TODAY

I found my voice today

It screams and yells
It says cunt and fuck
Nigger and spic
Faggot and dyke

I found my voice today

It says mother and father
Brother and sister
Aunt and uncle
Grandpa and grandma

I found my voice today

It laughs and cries
Brutal and gentle
Soft and loud
Soothing and aggravating

I found my voice today

And it had nothing to say
Everything has already been said
I can't hurt you with my words
Somebody else already has
And you let them

I found my voice today

And it had nothing to say
I can't defend myself
But I don't want to
You can't hurt me with your words
Somebody already has
And I let them

I heard my voice today
And it sounds just like it did yesterday

I heard your voice today

It screams and yells
It says cunt and fuck
Nigger and spic
Faggot and dyke

I heard your voice today

It says mother and father
Brother and sister
Aunt and uncle
Grandpa and grandma

I heard your voice today

It laughs and cries
Brutal and gentle
Soft and loud
Soothing and aggravating

We all have nothing to say.

Nothing.

TRUST

Trust is such a wondrous and powerful word. It builds friendships, relationships, love and reinforces each and every one of those feelings. It's the yard stick we use to measure how much we'll let people affect us and how far we are willing to affect them (or at least try to). It guides us in everyday situations and those "once in a moment" opportunities that end up shaping who we are and who we will be.

Like I said, it's a very powerful and wondrous word.

But trust broken, is as devastating as a blow to the head with a lead pipe. It affects how we deal with people and situations and how those situations affect and deal with us. It affects relationships, families, friends and your inner self. Mistrust is actually a lot more destructive than a loaded gun, with longer lasting results.

If you shoot the gun right, it may never hurt at all and even if you don't that scar will eventually heal.

Mistrust is not so easy to comeback from.

I know this from past and present experience.

Everyday is a step forward, and everyday is a step back.

But in my case, I gotta keep moving.

That's the truth.

Keep walking, keep moving, because anything is better than just giving up.

That's my dedication for the day.

Thanks for listening.

AN UNPLEASANT MEMORY

You know those triggers that automatically kicks a bad memory into a "relive" moment?

That happened to me on 6/2/06.

There's this stupid song called "The Rodeo Song", and if you don't know it, here's the lyrics...

Well it's 40 below and I don't give a ****
Got a heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know
Piss me off ya fuckin' jerk get on my nerves
Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand
He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left and Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage god damn goof ya know
Piss me off ya fuckin' jerk get on my nerves
Well it's 40 below and I don't give a ****
Got a heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know
Piss me off ya fuckin' jerk get on my nerves
Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand
He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo
And it's Alabama left Alabama right
Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know
Piss me off fuckin' jerk get on my nerves


There it is...the last time I heard that song I was 12

My step-dad was drunk and my mom was pregnant with my sister. He smashed her head into the windshield of a blue Chevy Malibu, my step-brother was crying, I was sitting in silence and terror and my step-dad was screaming that if my mom was going to leave, she better have an abortion or else he was gonna kick her in the stomach to make sure she loses the baby.

This was almost 22 years ago.

This all started because I made the mistake of asking if we were going to be leaving the bar soon.

My step-dad had just put money in the jukebox, and this song started. My mom, in a very hushed tone said "Be quiet! You don't want step-dad to hear you!'

But drunk ears pick up everything.

He started screaming at me, "I'm not wasting my hard earned money!! I worked all week, and it was hard work, I deserve this Friday night out. It's MY reward for putting food on the table!!!"

"You are one selfish little prick for even asking something like that!!!"

My mom said, "Don't worry he'll be quiet from now on." I think she was trying to calm him down.

It did not work.

"Don't protect the little shit! He has to learn that the world isn't like his god damn books!!"

My mom got up, and walked out the door.

By herself.

She left all three of us there.

She left me there.

Than step-dad in a very nice and calm voice told step-bro to get his stuff ready, grabbed me by the arm, and shoved me out the door.

I could see that my mom was halfway down the block, walking away and leaving me behind.

Step-dad told us to get in the car.

He drove the car and told my mom to get in.

She didn't.

She said "You're so drunk you're gonna kill him, and I don't wanna see that!!"

So that's when he started screaming "If you're going to leave, you better have an abortion or else I'm was gonna kick you in the stomach to make sure you lose that baby!!"

My mom got in the car.

Just as she settles in, he rams her head into the windshield. Instantly creating a spiderweb.

"You don't never embarrass me in front of my friends ever again!" he yells at her.

During the 20 minute drive home, step-dad is still screaming at me, for ruining his night out.

When we get home, I get sent to my room and he takes step-bro home.

Through the door I ask my mom if she's OK?

During the time that he's gone, my mom says nothing.

I walked out of my room and I ask, "Why did you leave me behind when you walked out the door?"

No response.

I go back into my room.

I sit down with my back against the door and my legs braced against the bed.

I made up mind that night, no matter what happens, I would not run away this time.

I would stand and fight.

When he cames home, he and my mom start up all over again.

While they were screaming at each other, I was getting ready for my confrontation with my step-dad.

Then there was this awful silence.

Step-dad says "Jesus Christ, what have you done this time?"

I run out of my room.

I see my step-dad standing in the middle of the living room.

I see my mom with the phone in her hand and blood streaming down her face.

Step dad went to the bathroom.

I stand there horrified and frozen.

That's my mom, and she's bleeding.

As I look at her, she looks at me, and with a blank stare she hits herself in the head with the phone.

Somehow, (and even to this day I don't know what happened) I had the phone in my hand, and I called 911.

While this was happening, all I could hear was this retching sound coming from the bathroom.

I hung up the phone, walked to the bathroom where the acrid smell of urine and vomit assaulted my senses, grabbed some towels, saw my step-dad with his face in the toilet and kneeling in a puddle of piss.

When the ambulance arrived they took my mom to the hospital.

The cops asked me what happened.

I stood there in silence.

They asked me if I was OK.

I stood there in silence.

Step-dad comes out of the bathroom and says "We were having a fight then she hit herself in the head with the phone, then I called the boy to see if he could do something."

The cop asked me if this was true.

I stood there in silence.

The cop asked me if I was going to be OK.

I nodded. I knew then that this was my only chance to do something, and I failed.

The cops left.

As I stood there in silence, knowing exactly what would happen next, my step-dad approached me, raised his hand and proceeded to give the beating of a lifetime.

"How dare you bring outside people into family business! This is all your fault! If you would only learn to keep your damn mouth shut!"

I took the punches and the slaps in silence.

Tears streamed down my face, but I didn't make a single sound.

A few hours later my mom came back home.

Her head was wrapped in gauze, she gave me a hug and then laid down on the couch.

The next morning, step-dad asks me what happened to the living room, why my mom's head is bandaged and what I did to "fuck everything up?"

I stood there in silence.

All these memories flooded back into my head, because someone played that song.

I really hate that song.

79 THINGS ABOUT ME...that I haven't said before...I think

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
No but I gave one.

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
7 years

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
Maximum Ride: School's Out Forever...it's a book.

4. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
does work count?

5. LAST THING YOU SPENT ALOT OF MONEY ON?
Car Payment

6. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
Dark Chocolate Klondike Bar

7. FIRST THING LOOK AT FIRST ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
How they comapare to my wife

8. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
If You're Going Through Hell

9. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
at home

10. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED?
the one that's 7 blocks from where I live

12. FAVORITE MALL STORE?
Spencer's Gifts

13. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD?
7 years

14. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
yes

15. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?
Nope

16. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED?
mine

17. FIRST PERSON YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?
my wife

18. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH?
for a friend of my wife's wedding

19. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT?
Arby's

20. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT?
The Bedroom

21. CAN YOU COOK?
Yes

22. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
1999 Isuzu Rodeo

23. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday morning

24. MOST DISLIKED FOOD?
FISH

25. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
adaptability

26. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm overweight

27. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?
34.5 hours

28. FAVORITE MOVIE?
ever...or right now??...well ever...Star Wars...yes ALL OF THEM!! and Right now...well that would be NeverLand

29. CAN YOU SING?
In the Shower

30. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
a true concert...Tommy Lee

31. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?
Pants/shorts

32. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT?
In the arms of my wife

33. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD?
yes

34. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN?
Never

35. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?
Desktop

36. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
 right now...Carlos Mencia

37. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
in the pj's that god gave me

38. LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
depends on the people

39. HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER?
yes

40. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
French Toast

41. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?
when in the mood

42. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Cooked

43. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?
nope, but it is fun to read.

44. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING? BK

45. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?
none...sometimes 2

46. WHAT ARE YOU HEARING NOW?
an infomercial

47. PICK ANY LYRIC OR SONG?
If You're Going Through Hell

If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

48. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & j?
strawberry

49. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?
sometimes but never well

50. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM?
Yes but just enough to not drown

51. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Blue Bunny Banana Split

52. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
Yes until it comes time to re-fold them

53. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF?
Right now...I'm almost out of cigarettes

54. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?
yes

55. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
summer

56. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
5 hours ago

57. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?
I didn't

58. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?
Snuggling

59. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?
Feb 2005

60. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?
Christmas

61. DO YOU LIKE GETTING FLOWERS?
Yes

62. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
Making love to my wife...and some cleaning

63. WHAT IS THE THIRD LETTER OF YOUR FIRST NAME?
s

64. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PET(S)?
I dunno

65. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BACKPACK?
grey, grey w/ Dale Sr pic., burgandy, tan, and blue...yes I have 5

66. ARE YOU SICK?
mentally or physically?

67. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?
No

68. ARE YOU SMILING?
yes

69. DO YOU HAVE ON EYELINER?
Not since the 80's

70. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
Yes

71. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
to sleep

72. ARE YOU IN LOVE? AND IF YES WITH WHOM?
Yes, my wife

73. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?
nope

74. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
Inara

75. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?
If I had a school, it would start in January, last 3 hours a day and everyone would be naked

76. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?
No

77. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?
No

78. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
Yes

79. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?
Yes

And the song is over...please put another quarter in the jukebox, than we can dance again.

WHEN DID THIS BECOME AN ISSUE

Ok, I know I'm never on the cutting edge of news and news topics...but since when has breast feeding been an issue??

I mean in a time when presidents can have affairs, perjure, sell secrets and start wars.

Where the vice presidents, can make bold faced lies and shoot their friends in the face.

In a time when religious leaders are committing the very sins that they preach against.

In a time when oil companies are doubling and tripling their profits, while maintaining that there is an oil shortage.

In a time when wardrobe malfunctions are common place.

Breastfeeding in public is an issue?  When child abuse and neglect are at an all time high, you want to give a breastfeeding mother a hard time?

You do know that that is the main function of the breast right?

You do realize that it does serve a function and those people who think that that should be done behind closed doors are idiots.

I'm sorry, but I guess there are more important things in life that deserve to be squabbled over.

How closed minded have we become that feeding and nurturing a child because you might see a boob, or more specifically a nipple, is a reason to scoff the women who do it?

I guess I would rather spend my time arguing about the incompetence of our political leaders and the hypocrisies of our religious leaders than to argue about a breast, especially if it's being used for the reason that nature intended.

You know for living in one of the greatest nations in the world...we really have become the same controlling authority we originally left to start a "free world". With that said...this song is done.

A MOTHER'S DAY COME AND GONE

I love my mom, I really do. I just don't like her very much. So I did the obligatory visit, and I hated it. I hated spending time with her and pretending that I was enjoying every minute. If it wasn't for my wife, I would have never gone. I would have bought a card, dropped it off, and come home and quickly drank till I passed out. But with my wife by my side, I'm able to face the ghosts of my past and endure the emotions that were boiling under the surface. So that's that. This time I was wallflowering it. Until the next song...

THE LOST AMONG THE FOUND

Just an old thing that I wrote...about a year and a half ago...and thought I would share...


A cacophony of inane conversations over a one hit wonder that's emanating from everywhere,

Stale smoke, a cold beer, a shot of Jack Daniels and a half a pack of cigarettes,

A broken observer watching, listening

Completely removed from it all.

Bikers and suits, freaks and geeks, and the strong and the meek, and they are communicating, congregating, existing and living.

Some are commenting on my penmanship, and the fact that the writing is small.

I tell them it's just the way I write but the truth is so they can't read it.

Watching girls bend over as they play pool, exposing assets and other things.

Bartender works hard and is tired but smiling.

Strangers sitting next to me, talking about a bad gambling experience.

Lynard Skynard starts to play and the sing along begins.

I'm still separate from it all.

A guy is sitting to my right drinking a Bacardi and Coke, and I could care less.

So than what's wrong with me?

That I would rather sit here, write, watch and observe.

Am I simply dead inside?

So I sit here wondering and pondering if I'm guessing or second guessing myself.

A HOLIDAY WISH

The old year is ending,
the passing of good times,
bad times,
loves lost,
loves found,
friendships made,
friendships forgotten,
friendships that will remain constant,
friendships missed,
an old year is ending.
A new year is beginning,
with new hopes and aspirations,
with unknowns and uncertainties,
with prospects of the heart, mind and soul,
with the idea of tomorrow,
a new year is beginning...
yet I will always remain

BELIEVE

To one and all,
great and small,
to those with
snow covered hands,
or 100 degree sands,
to snow days,
and heat waves,
to the Christians,
or the Jews,
the Arabs,
and the Hindu's.
to those that believe,
in a savior born,
or jolly elves,
to those that light,
Christmas candles,
or menorahs,
to all my neighbors,
in this world,
to you all I wish you,
a season of joy,
a season of hope,
a season of love,
but mostly ,
I wish you to know,
that a stranger today,
sends a prayer your way,
to believe in peace,
to believe in love,
but mostly just to believe.

MOSTLY FILLER

I walk and talk, laugh and cry,
I'm mobile and converse,
I live and I'll die,
I exist, to make you all happy...but you.
I can't make you happy, I just do, just like you make me happy.
I look and see, lie and deny
I breathe so that life, still resides,But I'm not alive.
I'm barely human.
I'm a pariah of my own making.
I carry a Jezebel goblet, and a liars face,
unless you are near me.
Than I wear the face of the friend.
It's a lie.
I am your friend.
But I want more.
I need more.
A friend is not enough.
I want you.
I dream about you.
I call your name.
I scream for your heart.
I long for you.
I miss you when you are near me.
I'm dying when you aren't.
I confessed my desire.
You shared with me that same desire.
I walk and talk, laugh and cry,
When you are not here,
I'm mostly filler....

WHY

why do you love me when no one else did?

why do you listen to every word that's said?

why do you want me in your mad existence?

why do you need me to stand with you?

why do you hold me when I cry at night?

why do you laugh at the stupid things I say?

why do you cry when it's me that hurts?

why do you trust me when it could so easily be a lie?

why do you sleep with me when I steal the covers?

why do you look at me the way you do?

why do you question all the silly things?

why do you accept the tragic things?

why did you dance with me?

why did you keep your secrets?

why do you want to marry me?

why do you want my children?

why do you want me?

why did you choose me?


why?

TO CHOOSE

to stand or fall...I choose to walk
to laugh or cry I...I choose to talk
to sleep or wake...I choose to be
not for you
but for me
to love or hate ...I choose to listen
to sing or dance...I choose to run
to shine or fade...I choose to smoke
not for you
but for me

THE DOOR TO TOMORROW

If life handed you an apple pie and it tasted like apples, that's a good thing, right?

And If life hands you a lemon, you're supposed to make lemonade, correct?

So than, what do you do when life keeps handing you happiness?

I'm not a very nice person (I have ex's who can attest to that).

If someone pisses me off i.e. a person who I thought was a friend and turns out that they did not trust me enough to come with me about something, I'm still nice and pleasant to them.

If a somebody says things about me (race, religion. etc. etc.) that has nothing to do with my personality or generalizes me as nothing but a race, religion etc., I still treat then the same way.

You see before Season I would have torn into them and let loose the hounds of hell so that they knew without any doubt how I felt. That what was done to me did bother me, but now I don't.

You see I feel sorry for them. Not in the "I pity you fool" sort of way, but in the "man, you'll never get me, and that just sucks" kind of way.

I feel bad for us, because when they do this, all it ends up doing is creating a gap between us. The feelings of friendship are now a chasm that separates us.

I will never talk to them the same way I used too. I will not trust them. They are kept at arms length (and I keep hoping my arms get longer).

Now? Well now, the people who do hurt me will never know what their unkind words did.

Instead they get my bogus smile and laugh and a false friend who is keeping his enemies close.

But some how and for some reason, I have the affection and love from the woman who has married me. She looks at me like I really matter and still listens to me, as if my words could move mountains.

She has blessed my life with conversation, with silly topics and the serious discussions. I am fortunate to have a partner, a friend and a wife who wants to share her life with me.

The strength we share, has allowed me to face many of my demons, no matter how ugly they were. She stood by me and still looks at me with love filled eyes.

I thought this was just stories and lies, but here I stand. A believer that true love exists. And that it can keep growing day by day.

So I'm looking at the apple pie and lemonade in front of me. And I'm thinking to myself...do I really deserve this? I honestly don't think so, but Season, she makes me feel like I do. So I take a slice of that apple pie and a swig from the lemonade and revel in the fact that it really is OK to be happy. That it is really OK to find bliss in the person next to you.

That happiness is not a mat that sits on your doorway, but the key that opens the door to a future you never looked towards.

So with that I remain simply...

a happy fool

I DON'T KNOW

I don't know what I'm doing right now,
I'm not following my usual "M.O."
It's something of an idea
to just say what comes in my head
and see where it takes me.
I usually have at least a pattern I follow,
but for once I'm saying "fuck it"
and it seems I get kinda lost doing things this way.
I'm really never sure how to do many things,
I try to take the pass least taken,
but doing that all the time,
it becomes a pattern that I'm trying to break.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
But I'm doing it anyway.

CAN'T

I have been losing control
since I met you
I want to bare my feelings
before your gone
My heart is starting to break
I stand alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

Digital talks, late night drinks
take out for two
We danced again, the first time
we walked away
My heart is starting to break
I cried alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

A gathering of masses
I think alone
Confessions and retractions
than I chose you
My heart is starting to mend
I'm not alone

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

The first kiss was tentative,
next one lingered
Our lips met, unrestrained love
two became one
My heart is starting to mend
finally home

I can't do this by myself
I don't have the strength
I can't lose you
I can't refuse you
I can't do this by myself

I AM

I never know what to say when I have the words speak
I don't ever know what to look for in a painting
I have no clue what to hear in a song.
I can't dance,
I have no rhythm.
I do not dream because
I do not sleep.
Faith is lost to me because
I don't know what to believe in.
I don't know how to pray,
I never learned.
I cry because there is a sadness
I can't hold in.
I laugh because
I get the joke.
I'm alone because no one else gets it.
I suffocate because
I can't breathe.
I fly because
I finally spread my wings.
I stand because
I refuse to lay down.
I fall and stumble because
I am human.
I live because
I simply do...

A GREATER LOVE

I have never known a greater love
than a baby's smile
or a kittens purr.

I have never seen a brighter light
than a mother's love
or an early morning dawn.

I have never felt a hotter fire
in my lovers eyes
and in her beating heart.

I have never felt a greater love
than being held in her arms
when she comes home from work,
or when I lay myself down for slumber.

I have never known a greater love
until I met you.
I never knew love before,
now I do.

I know my greater love,
It's you.

A USELESS RHYME

the sun rose today, to meet me at noon

the birds flew away, they said I came back to soon

the dog licked his lips and than much lower

we both ran to avoid the javelin thrower

what a silly day this has been

the dreams are starting to begin

a moment of nonsense I share with you

of soap, conditioner and shampoo

a momentary lapse of judgment

and sharing of letters just sent

no rhyme or reason, I don't need one

just a Coke and a cinnamon bun

now that we wasted time

with this useless rhyme

this happy guy

will just say bye...

...for now.

A MOMENT OF DOUBT

There are times when somethings hit me like a runaway freight train. It's like something in me feels something for the first time.

Today I felt a true anguish that shook me down to my core. I felt a sense of loss.

A true loss, not the "Oh crap where are my car keys' feeling, but the "Oh shit, something in me just died" kind of loss. This time it was very different.

It was the "am I really allowed to be this happy" kind of feeling.

I am with a partner who loves me what I feel for her can only be described as bliss. But at the same time I ask myself "Can I make her truly happy?"

I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I can't even pretend to have them. All I know is that I feel so complete when I am with her.

There used to be this HUGE pool of anger that bubbled and boiled deep inside of me.

Now I only find hope, love and a wonderful feeling called tomorrow. I pray that I can give her this everyday. Because inside of my strange little soul I find it whenever I hear her heart beat or whenever she smiles at me. I find myself happier than ever before in my pitiful existence.

For some reason today after watching the fall of fictional character, I find myself wondering. Do I make her happy? Do I make her feel complete? Do I do to her what she does for me? Can I save her?

I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid, it's something I do a lot. I still wonder "am I what she has been searching for?"

I guess that's all I really wanted to say. She makes my world, my life and my soul complete. I just pray that I do the same thing for her.

DEAR CLOSE MINDED PEOPLE

Dear Closed Minded People,

How are you doing today?

I'm feeling a bit of spit and vinegar towards you today.

I saw a shirt that truly pissed me off and well that led me to this little outburst.  The shirt said "Straight Pride" on the front and "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam on Steve on the back.  This shirt just made me realize how simple minded some of you are...no wait, I mean it made me realize what simple minded mother fuckers some of you are.

Gay, Bi or Lesbian, they are still people with real voices and ideas.  They didn't ask you to join them in their lives, but you make sure you try to drag them down anyway.

What they do is not a matter or concern for you.

You are just a drop of piss in the toilet bowl of your own existence.

They like most of us don't care what your opinion is.  They like most of don't want to hear your opinion.

So stop trying to force it down my throat.  I can form my own opinions.  I'm special like that.  I like to make my own opinions.  I usually use things like facts to help but I'm really weird like that.

I don't need you to bring a higher power into a debate over what is right or wrong.  The Bible gave us two simple rules...Love God, and Love each other because in doing so, you love God.  I've read the Bible, a few times.  Never does it say, tear your fellow man down.  Nor does it say beat them up in my name.  Again, and just to reitterate, Love God, and Love each other because in doing so, you love God.

Here are a couple of rules that are evident in the bible...

Turn the other cheek...sound familiar?

Love thy brother as you would thy self...any bells ringing?

I mean we have all heard the saying ignorance is bliss right?  But let's all be honest, it's only blissful when the ignorant leave.

So to all you close minded afterbirths, whose conception was just because the semen leaked after an anal encounter, I have this last statement.

Let it go.

The only true waste of the gene pool, is not the little gay couple having a dinner, but the waste that won't leave them alone.

Get over it.

You really aren't that special.

Sincerely,
Me

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN

Have you forgotten the stolen moments that defines your heart?

The fleeting passage that rang true and straight?

The sliver that broke your heart and the needle that pierced your soul?

Have you forgotten the first tear you shed in heartache?

Have you forgotten the first kiss of youthful love?

Have you forgotten the puddles and the mud?

Have you forgotten you first dance to your first love song?

Have you forgotten how to laugh?

Have you forgotten how to cry?


Have you forgotten how to live?

Only to remember how to die.


Have you forgotten the sky so blue and bright?

Have you forgotten the grass so green and fresh?

Have you forgotten the lake so cold and clear?

Have you forgotten the snow sparkled and white?

Have you forgotten the sunburned noses?

Have you forgotten the cold and wet feet?

Have you forgotten how to scream?

Have you forgotten how to shout?

Have you forgotten how to weep?

Have you forgotten how sing and dance?

Have you forgotten the puppies wet nose?

Have you forgotten the kittens sandpaper tongue?

Have you forgotten how to be a child?

Have you forgotten to open your eyes?

Have you forgotten how to hear the ideas that come from innocence?


Have you forgotten how to live?

Only to remember how to die?


Have you forgotten.

LIKE LIFE

the smell of a hot summer day reminds me of playgrounds and tether ball
swings and slides
of exhilaration when you jump off the swing at its apex
and the tears of the scraped knees when you landed

the sounds of laughter remind me to live in today
look forward to tomorrow
and not dwell on yesterday

the full moon rising reminds me of romance when I'm with you,
and of werewolves when I'm not

the images of wrestling remind me of Sunday mornings with my grandfather and cousins,
and bruises from drop kicks gone awry before church

the sounds of the ice cream man
still make me call for my mom and ask her for a dollar
to get some cool delicious treats that normally ended up melting
because of the brain freeze slowed down the eating
by the time the brain thaw kicked in the “sugar high frozen for mass consumption”
had already melted

the sight and smell of roses shows me that all things beautiful have another side
and that usually you can reach them if you take the time to get to know them
and than realize that even the thorns can be beautiful

the sounds of keyboard keys remind me that I need to write more frequently

the sound of music makes me want to dance
than the sight of me dancing for some reason makes everyone else laugh
and that makes me dance harder and faster
because laughter is still the most beautiful music a man can make

the sounds of thunder make my heart race
my palms sweat
my desire grow
the smell of rain
the sound of rain
the images of rain
is a lot like life
fast and fleeting
longer than some and shorter than others
there are times its scary
and times its peaceful
there are times you're happy to see it
and times when you wish
"rain rain go away"

but mostly its like life.

100 THINGS ABOUT ME

Good day to all who read this...this is the translation for all my recent entries. I guess I’m telling you because soon it’s going to be written in other languages in their characters so now you'll know what it means. Well anyways I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, I thought it would be a cool thing to do. It’s basically a list of 100 things about me that you didn't know. While there are a few of you who know some of these things its a way for the rest of you to get to know me...so here we go


1 I'm Mexican not Hispanic


2 I hate having short hair


3 my mom is one of my closest and best friends


4 my dad is not


5 I have many siblings but only call one my sister


6 my mom gave birth to her


7 I’m the older of 2 (by 12 years)


8 I love snow leopards


9 I’m at work right now


10 this is actually pretty hard to do


11 I’m also an uncle to a niece I’ve met once


12 I love Chinese food


13 I hate spicy food (no not the garlic kind, the melts your tongue kind)


14 I watch wrestling


15 I have since I was 5


16 I love to read


17 I love music


18 so far I've never been arrested


19 so far never had a ticket of any kind


20 I have a real respect for law enforcement they are just doing their jobs


21 I smoke


22 have smoked since I was 15


23 I started because I was bored at work


24 in my immediate family I’m the only smoker


25 smoked pot for the first time when I was 27


26 my virginity was lost at age 12


27 it is a regret


28 I am/was a father at 16.  I didn't know


29 the child was aborted


30 Tina told me almost 2 years later


31 I still hate her


32 that’s the age I currently am


33 I plan on changing that every year


34 I think Johnny Depp is beautiful and talented as an actor


35 no I’m not gay


36 Just that comfortable with myself


37 I hate facial hair


38 I hate shaving more


39 I know it is possible to cut your self with an electric shaver


40 I hate liars


41 I'm good at listening


42 I'm good at talking


43 I'm bad at patience


44 I like cartoons


45 I don't like it when people don't give them a chance


46 I hate people who tell me I’m not using my full potential


47 I love movies


48 I love Amy lee's voice (ask if you don't know)


49 I’ve had 9 girlfriends


50 in high school, I missed 223 days


51 I had to repeat my senior year


52 I graduated and hang my diploma proudly (although its at my moms)


53 I like Jack Daniels


54 he usually hates me the next day


55 I’m not religious


56 but I am spiritual


57 I’m going to have a cigarette now


58 I’m back


59 silence bothers me


60 I don't like crowds


61 I have a fear of ladders and heights


62 I love to laugh


63 I also cry


64 I never cheated on my most current ex


65 she's the only I never cheated on


66 I have a pet chinchilla


67 I want a Great Pyrenees


68 I love 80's hair bands (remember when they were called glam bands?)


69 hehehehehehe


70 I write poetry


71 I think its just ok


72 I like backstreet boys and n*synch


73 I love my job


74 I want to name my son Kyle Jeffery


75 I’ll probably never have children


76 this thought is a sad one


77 I want to get married some day


78 this also will probably never happen


79 I want to name my daughter Ryoko Nicole


80 I have 2 tattoos


81 I want many more


82 I’m easy to talk to


83 I’m easy to get along with


84 I’m impossible to live with


85 I love my car


86 I have no attention span for video games


87 except for Tetris


88 I was born on June 2nd 1972


89 I love driving to new places


90 I hate the city I live in


91 I’m 5'10" and overweight


92 for the first time ever, I’m living on my own


93 that's changing in a couple of days


94 I don't know if I’m keen on that idea


95 my smile is my best feature


96 I’m content right now


97 I don't believe in sharing, if it's mine, it’s mine


98 I never want to see Mexico


99 I’m fiercely loyal to my friends


100 the only reason I do this is because my friend Beverly had a blog site and I thought it was kind of cool, so I started one too. Thank you Bev


and with that

I still and will always remain

Jose AKA J2

ps although now you all know a little more about me  

A NEEDLE'S KISS

an invading kiss

that rips into my skin,

you're lava like tongue

tracing my veins,

you're single tooth

leading me in a death dance,

not releasing me.

forever in your thrall.

holding me in your grasp,

an unrelenting need,

an reproachable hunger,

that makes me a prisoner,

in my own flesh.

your seduction complete.

like a cast iron grip

that scares my mind,

my body

and my soul,

if you ever leave me,

even for just a moment.

a longing left in me

by you,

my needle's kiss.

a desperation to feel...

anything,

anything at all.

TIME

time.

ticks away
at the same speed,
second by second,
but when desire and wants
are added to the dance,
fleeting they are,
and forever they take.
time ticks away
at the same speed,
minute by minute,
but when like and love
are added to the dance,
there's never enough,
or it takes too long.
time ticks away
at the same speed,
hour by hour,
but when longing and yearning
are added to the dance,
that which remains
but for a brief time
and eternity stands permanent,
time ticks away
at the same speed,
never fast enough
and never long enough.

time

I TOOK MY FIRST STEP TODAY

i took my first step today.

the same as i did tomorrow,

i tripped yet i stood up,
than got back down to fall again,

the sidewalk gets smaller the closer i converge,

i'm nearly to my destination,
only to realize i never left,

i looked down at the sidewalk,
only to see the sky looking up at me,

i was walking nowhere,
getting farther than ever before,

i was losing my sanity,
only to stay insane,

I took my first step today.

different than i did yesterday,

i walked off the sidewalk,
to find myself already there,

to ask myself

'what took you so long?'

only to respond 'i was found but now i'm lost',

i laughed at myself,

'you were caged, now you're free' i said,

'being free is frightening' was my reply,

'yeah it is' i answered 'but feeling "anything" is new to you',

'i felt things before' i countered,

'you never felt alive or free before' i retorted,

i took my first step today.

than i took my second.

than i took my third...

REFLECTIONS

Who do you see,

my reflective twin,

my mirror self.

What do you see,

when you stare back at me?

Do you even like that person?

Or do you hate him?

Do you envy me?

Are you jealous because of my substance?

Or am I empty just like you,

flat and two dimensional,

with no real shape.

Am I just a reflection of you?

Am I the mirror image to your existence?

Do you see the person I used to be?

That angry man I used to be.

The child I pretend to be.

Or do you see me the way I am now?

Confused and questioning myself.

Am I living or existing?

Do you see the person I will soon become?

Do you pass judgment on where I’ve been?

Do you see a child, an adolescent, or an adult?

Do you see my joy, my anger, my tears my smile?

Do you know my soul, my heart?

Do you see me?

Do you care to see me?

That’s the question I ask of you, my reflection.

Who do you see when you look at me?

Are you only happy when I’m happy?

Are you only sad when I’m sad?

Do you only see me when I see you?

Or do I only see me when I see you?

SUDDENLY

Suddenly...

it comes to me in a flash of light,

like a bolt of lightning,

dancing and cutting the darks skies.

Suddenly...

like a raging inferno,

enveloping, scorching, searing,

melting and blistering my very essence.

Suddenly...

wide-awake and attentive,

my insight to reality,

now vigilant and wary.

Suddenly...

apprehensive,

to the relevant and obscure.

Suddenly...

everything makes sense.

Suddenly...

absorbed to the banalities

of what isn't

and what won't be.

Suddenly...

I find myself absent,

devoid and hollow.

Suddenly...

I feel a longing,

hungering,

so ravenous,

still craving and yearning for everything.

Yet, all is unobtainable,

absurd,

futile,

impassable,

impractical,

unfeasible,

unreasonable,

unthinkable,

useless,

and unattainable.

Suddenly...

I feel so...alive.

Yet I am not yet born.

Suddenly...

IT'S MAH BIRFDAY WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOO

Hi one and all, Its my birthday and well its really early in the AM, so, I'll be back later to actually write. Thank you...buh bye 4 now.


Jose

THE 4 AM PHILOSOPHER

Hello, hi, and howdy all you losers, freaks and geeks! You all be my peeps, my peers and my friends.

It's been an emotional tornado, a spiritual revitalization, and one damn confusing time. Now I know we've all been there, and some of us will go there again and again.

So just remember you're never alone, even when there's nobody there.

Now what philosophical gibberish am I spewing with the force of projectile vomit?

I have no clue. I never do. I think it I type it. It comes to me in this torrential wave of needing to say something yet never knowing what it is I have to say. I simply call it the "the bullshit world of Jose and my need to drag you all in".

Behind the mask of a higgledy-piggledy, topsy-turvy and slaphappy fool, lies the heart of a confused, scared, happy, sad and angry young man.

Unless you think 30-something is old than that last part changes to old man.

"I'm sorry everything I do is wrong, to you and, you do everything you can to make me feel subhuman".

But my story and life are as unwritten as that to-do list we always tell ourselves we're going to write. Or the New Years resolutions that we never intend to keep.

Confused yet?

It's OK, so am I. But that's cool, we're supposed to be confused. We're not supposed to know all the answers. We are supposed to be imperfect creatures.

Why? OK, here's why. If we know everything than how do we make ourselves a better people? If there is nothing to learn or tribulations to endure, we ourselves become a mere shadow of existence. Never truly alive or living. Just an empty silhouette of someone we have the potential to be, yet never achieving it.

But through the challenges of everyday life for example

• waking up
• talking to the person who you find attractive
• roller blading for the first time
• even just smiling at someone

it is through this simple yet minuscule challenges that make, define and stimulate the greater person you are destined to be. I like that about us humans. We have potential...now prove me wrong like you always do.

I BREATHE IN AND BREATH OUT, PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER

On this day I start a new life in the same way I started my “life.”

Kicking, screaming, surrounded by strangers, hoping someone will hold me and keep me safe.

I have come to terms with my fear of being alone. I slept in a bed knowing no one will be there when I wake up. I made dinner for one. I walked around my apartment looking at it for the first time. I walked around and thought to myself, “I no longer have a girlfriend who I have shared the last eight years with. I said 'goodbye' to that girl who I cared about and who I thought cared about me. Nor do I have a friend that was as close to me as a brother. Whose every word meant the world to me and who spoke the truth with absolute certainty.”

For the first time in nearly a decade, I am on my own, thinking my own thoughts and walking my own path. That's a pretty scary feeling when you see it coming and damn near paralyzing when it broadsides you. Although I am not dealing with the "Oh crap I'm lonely" fear, but the "wow, so where do I go from here" fear.

And, oddly, I'm OK with that.

My life's not over. It just rebooting. I think everyone has to hit the reboot once in a while to be able to embrace the world in all it's magnificent beauty and brutality. I stand here before you all and I'm doing it on my own terms. Naked, bare and stronger than ever before.

Just because I said goodbye doesn't mean that I hate her. All it means is that I know we won't be walking the same path together. But now and then our paths will cross as they are supposed to. Today I walk a path with a mission in my head and a quest in my soul. I intend to look for the person meant only for me. The person who will love me because of who I am. The person who will love me, even if I can't make dreams come true.

I will do all this while breathing. I'll take a deep breath in and I'll and breathe out. While placing one foot in front of the other. Taking one day at a time.

And I'll continue to do this until I'm no longer telling myself to do this. I'll keep doing this until I find that moment when I suddenly realize I'm not walking alone, and you are there. Matching me breath for breath and step for step.

LISTEN AND LEARN or PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!

I feel particularly rant-full today, being surrounded by stupid mother fuckers is driving me absolutely insane. Today I had the absolute pleasure of buying a lawn mower from your friendly neighborhood SEARS Lawn and Garden Center. What a bunch of anal cling-ons they are!

SECTION 1 (this is for customer service douche bags.)

Is it really hard to be happy at work? If you aren't happy don't take your shit out on me. I mean come on already. If I'm in a bad mood I sure as hell will try to keep you out of it. If you hate your job, and your job is dealing with people...well what can I say besides QUIT GODAMNIT, and stop wasting my time. There is no need to belittle the people who come to you for help. There's no need to be a pompous ass. How hard is it really, to say "I'm busy, can you give me a minute and I'll help you"? Or "sure you can borrow a pen but I need it back". Not hard at all!

SECTION 2 (this is for the customers of SEARS)

How hard is it to say "Thank you for getting the door", or "Excuse me for jabbing you in the crotch with my purse"? I'm not asking for dissertations. I'm not asking for a thesis on your PHD. I'm asking for simple consideration. I mean does anybody know the response for "thank you"? Or better yet does anyone know the precursor to the words "you're welcome"?

SECTION 3 (for all of us)

What happened to all of you? Did you all get kicked in the head? Or maybe now that we're older we can forget the niceties and polite conversations we we're forced to endure as children. When after getting a spanking you still had to say thank you. Or is it so hard to let someone finish what they are saying without interrupting? I mean it's not like anyone of us will ever run out of things to say. I mean we have movies, music, politics, romance, sex, lack of sex, who's single, who's going to be single soon, cars, woman, sex, how many times we had sex, who we wish we could have sex with (I'm a guy we talk about it all the time). So why can't we let the speaker finish his/her thought. It's not like they're going to use up all the good topics. Another thing why is it that no one ever listens to people anyway? How many times does someone ask a question only to have it answered with a bogus reply for example:

How you doing? Fine.

If you don't really want to know don't ask. If you don't want to answer say so.

Its easy people. Its not rocket science. Its simple communication skills.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is pay attention to who you are and what you say and how you say it. Its easy. Not hard at all. Just use the communication skills that you already have, which includes listening.

TO SIT AND WONDER

actually today a pseudo-poem came to my mind as i was sitting here thinking. yeah i know the poem is dumb.


it wasn't mean to be anything at all.


i was just kinda writing down some indiscriminate words and statements for future consideration and lo and behold the result.

so read and enjoy.

so here we go, have fun.



i sit and perceive in all things must be

a force much greater than me.

is it an unknown and future or destiny?

many reasons to question and doubt.

many reasons to scream and shout.

many reasons to laugh and cry.

many reasons to question who or why.

many reasons to accept, or deny,

answers to questions never spoken

hidden in ourselves, is a truth. a token

of who we really are and the reflection not broken.

I sit here and ponder these trivial things.

I sit here and wonder.

so I sit here and remain....

THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAM or THE MOST COMMON WORDS SAID RIGHT BEFORE YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ON YOUR OWN

Have you ever notice that the moment before you get something dumped on you, you get one of these phrases barked (or cooed, depending on who's saying it)at you.


“There is no 'I' in team”...”take one for the team”...”it's all about teamwork”...”the team is right behind you”...”the team depends on you” or something similar to one of these phrases.


I find it hard to believe that I am doing anything with a team. If it is/was a team effort why am "I" all of a sudden responsible for the team? Where is the rest of the team? Why should "I" take one for the team, because there is 'no "I" in team!' But there is a "me" in team, along with meat and tame.


I sit here reflecting on that little word. I know it probably derives from ancient text that I should probably research, if I really cared that much to learn the etymology of the word, but I don't want to. But if you're just as lazy as me, we'll all just accept that the fact that the word "team" has a rich and beautiful history.


Back to my tirade, I realize "team" is the perfect word for patsy, sucker and weak-willed. It's a word perfectly designed to play on the fear of being an individual and alone.


Would you care for some proof?


OK, these are just observations that I have made over the years.


First of all...when I was in soccer (back then I was bamboozled into thinking I had to be a part of a team...... but I'm much better now) when the team was running the “end of practice” laps, the stars of the team made sure they were far out front and out pacing us insecure sheep.


When the running was done, the coach was there to tell us wheezing and gasping fodder, err i mean athletes, that we were weak and not supporting the team (but had anyone seen this particular display, five individuals were standing there smug, while the rest of the "team" was berated).

The coach than made this inspirational statement, which sparked the thought that became an idea that a few years later became this little space on the web.


"I need to see hustle the few can't carry the team, THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAM!!


Thats also when a smart-ass individual that would eventually evolve into the man typing on this particular keyboard, started to rear his ugly face. I was always accused of speaking before thinking. This would be one of those moments. I raised my hand and said "But coach there is a 'me' in team and without the 'me' there is no team.”


20 laps later I realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm not a "team" player. I eventually walked away from the game of soccer.


My story doesn't end there, though. A few years after that incident, I was working at Arby's, (the following scene would continue at every place of employment), and I was asked to cover a shift because someone called in sick. Normally, I would have said 'yes,' but this is one of those times that I had actually made some after work plans.


So I said "sorry I can't".


The statement that followed was simple and to the point. "You know Jose' we are a team here and as a team we do have to cover for each other".

Thats also when a smart-ass individual that was still evolving into the man typing on this particular keyboard, started to rear his ugly face. I was always accused of speaking before thinking. This would be one of those moments. I raised my hand and said "But Randy, you do know that there is a 'me' in team and without the 'me' there is no team.”


Three days later, after my suspension for insubordination, I was back at work, albeit with a chip on my shoulder. I would eventually be promoted TEAM leader (which is a nice way of saying Assistant Managers Bitch). In true Jose fashion, after I received the little plastic name tag with my name engraved into it, I looked at Randy and said "Randy, you do know that there is a 'me' in team and without the 'me' there is no team.”


That story still makes me chuckle.


As I bring this to an end, no, I am not a team player. Not being a team player means I take both credit and blame for all that "I" do. There may be no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in individual, intelligent and integrity. So stay true and be true to yourself.

WORDS TO PONDER

"Mother is the name of God on the lips and hearts of all children." -Eric Draven from the Motion Picture "The Crow"

I heard it the other day for the millionth time and I thought "That's so true!!!" So, I figured I'd write it down. This would be a pretty powerful sentiment, that sometimes as we get older, cranky and senile, we tend to overlook the biggest things in our life, that take up the littlest spaces.

CONFESSIONS OF A THIRD SHIFT SLACKER

Here's a warning to all of us who partake in the slacker lifestyle. Big brother is, indeed, watching, and getting excited!

My boss once asked me why I didn't finish the paperwork that the previous shift left behind.

I looked at him and asked, “Excuse me?”

“Jose, I was just wondering why you didn't finish the second shift paperwork, I mean you do work third shift, and you do have a lot of down time don't you?”

“No Clyde, I do not. Between the normal third shift duties, which includes washing the towels for the unit, you also put me in charge of ordering the clothes and sundries for the kids and the cleaning supplies and extra sundries for the unit. I also get all the paperwork ready for the week, reorder the progress sheets, and get the menu ready. Don't forget that you also wanted me to make sure the dish sink and the bathroom sinks were clean and had soap at them. Let's add 2-3 bed checks every hour, and since last night was Wednesday, I also had to make sure the bed sheets were washed, dried and folded. Plus you want me to make sure the office stays clean. So NO CLYDE, I did not have any down time.”

So he left a note in our communication book. Which is a notebook that most of the employees don't ever fill out much less read. Saying each shift had to take care of their own paperwork. Which pretty much means I now have no more extra responsibilities.

Now what Clyde did not know was that everything I said I had to do I could pretty much do in about 3-4 hours.

So what exactly did I do with my down time?
I would watch DVDs on the Playstation 2. I would go through 2-3 DVDs a night.

I watched X-files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and every bad film Burt Reynolds was in from Smokey and the Bandit to Stroker Ace. I had access to technology that could play DVDs, so I watched DVDs.

If I forgot to rent some DVDs for the night, I played video games on the PS2. I would play the most current version of FINAL FANTASY or GTA. I borrowed the game and now I got to show off how much I absolutely suck at playing them.

Of course if I wasn't in the mood for either of those slacker addictions there was always the INTERNET.

I know some of you need and use the Internet for appropriate reasons, and some of them are even good reasons.

Not me.

If I wasn't looking at (ahem, cough, cough) type of sites I would be using yahoo messenger. That's how I kept in touch with my best friend. I would read on line comics and write on my blog (which became a daily activity).

That was what this slacker did when there was no one around. I bet my boss would be angry if he ever read this.

THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE or HOW MANY EXCUSES DOES IT TAKE TO GET OUT OF DOING LAUNDRY?

It’s a brisk Wednesday morning, and I just returned home from a long night at work, a quick stop at Wal-Mart and Bath and Body Works.


Now, you're asking yourself, why? Well let me tell you true believer. Let me tell you why this was such an important moment in this aging dog's life.


I was horrified and shocked that last night after my daily cleansing rituals, a revelation was made. I had no clean socks or boxers!


I asked my girlfriend at the time the most innocent and harmless of questions (in other words put my size 12's firmly in my “quick to ask slowly to think...of consequences” mouth).


That little insignificant question was... "Why haven't you done laundry yet, because I got no clean socks or boxers?"


The response to my rhetorical question was a thunderous


"SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


To which I subtly replied..."WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU CRAZY BITCH! DAMN THAT HURT"


Needless to say, no sooner had I spoken those words that the reality of my first statement hit me. Than the reality of my second statement hit me. I never said I was a genius. But in true male fashion I stuck to my erroneous words. Of course the only thought that was permeating through the throbbing brain was "Aw SHIT".


As my exclamation hung in the air, I could actually hear her synapses firing in her brain. I stood there quietly.


In a calm and serene voice she says “Do your own damn clothes.” I was calculating the depth of the pile of fecal matter I was currently in s she walked past me and down the stairs.


Since I was getting ready for work I had no time to do laundry. I would have to wait till after my shift to be able to do laundry.


Work, on this particular evening was unusually busy and very stressful, so afterwards I was not in the mood nor did I have the energy to do laundry.


So I did what any pig-headed, tired stressed and just got paid guy would do. I went to Wal-Mart, and bought 2 packs of socks and 3 packs of underwear.


Hey, it's cool I know I'm in the wrong, but the ego of the alpha male/hunter/provider/and any other testosterone filled word that describes men at their most stupid, won't admit it...out loud.


Oh Yeah did I mention that I also bought some flowers and chocolates and a gift certificate from Bath and Body Works.


Yes, I know its bribery, but it's better than the cold shoulder and the "Mad 'X' of no entry" (just in case some of you have no clue what that is, it means I get denied access to the holiest of holies).


So now its time for me to finish this and grovel (and if my groveling skills are up to par I might get some afterwards).

J2

WHY IS IT, WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL FOR IT?

You ever notice the only time you lose something and find the need to look for it, are the times right before you have to leave for somewhere and you need it for something?


But of course for the last 2 weeks it has meant nothing, not a care as to where or what it is. But now you're running late and the need to know where said object is and because it is imperative that it leave your home with you. Than and only than does it becomes a mad obsession.


You have to find it. Right now at this moment, because later will not suffice. At this juncture there is no later.


The only thing worse than the frenzied and panicked scramble, is when you call out the search party (you know, whoever finds it necessary to help out) that it becomes a life or death predicament.


Than when you have looked everywhere and have exhausted all you top secret resources (like looking in between the couch cushions or digging through the trash) that you try to call off the dogs from this code blue DEF-CON 5 engagement, that now it becomes a dire situation.


Now the rescue party doesn't listen (believing they know what's most prudent at this juncture), they continue looking for said object with idée fixe that makes King Kong's fixation on blonds seem like a passing fancy.


At this time I have accepted that the long lost object is MIA-presumed dead. I'm playing TAPS on the now long gone dealie-bob (can you believe I actually got that word from dictionary.com.....crazy).


During this moment the search party are still collecting data and going over the files and statistics repeatedly making sure that no stone went unturned (ergo looking in the same spots over and over again, yet coming up with the same results repeatedly). Yet here I am going (and yes I am making the stupid quote marks with my fingers) "its gone fergetaboutit!"


Now 10 minutes has gone by and I have mourned the missing object and I have found the strength to go on.


I am informed that the rescue parties have finally come to the same conclusion that I came to (even though I came to it 10 minutes earlier), it's gone the way of the planes over the Bermuda Triangle, gone, poof and mysteriously disappeared.


Why do I bring this up? Because I seem to find a little bit of happiness in the fact that since I could not rescue said object from the jaws of mystery that neither could anyone else.


I gave up on said object earlier, than to watch my cohorts frantically search the same places as if they were virginal and untouched (even though I know that not less than 30 seconds ago they had checked the same place). Needless to say it brought up a wonderful conclusion and anecdote, which I choose to share.


Look for something only as long as you have to.


There are things, no matter what you do, that happen. Not for the good or the bad, but they JUST happen.


Life with all of its ups, and downs, does not mean keep looking back and searching in the places you have already looked. It's about looking around as we travel forward, facing the future and exploring the unknown.

So today............... I Like It Here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR BOYS AND GIRLS, MEN AND WOMEN, YOUNG AND OLD, HAPPY NEW YEAR AND FACE THE FUTURE

WELL COULD YOU AT LEAST LEAVE A "HEY YOU'RE BEING STUPID!!"

LOL...just my way of saying leave a message when you visit. Tonight's a short entry day. Just wanted to say that little blurb is all. Since I don't work tomorrow, I'll go on my usual rant about something or other... but for now I'm...

J2 thas me

OMG...ITS SNOW!

My friends and countryman, its winter time in the Midwest. It happens every year. It's almost a seasonal occurrence, and people are already complaining. This is an annoyance. Seriously. But not the most irritating one.

What’s worse, you ask? People in the Midwest who say "well it’s the first snowfall” and this excuses you for driving like an idiot!

NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! That is not acceptable. It won't be acceptable later today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.

That excuse only works if you moved here from Florida or any place that has summer all year round.

But if you have lived in the Midwest all your life......PLEASE SHUT UP AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN!

Why are these people on my naughty list? Why do these people deserve a special hell that involves small openings, broken glass a,d lots of water?

"Well" said the writer with an evil gleam in his eye, “The reason these people piss me off is because it’s not their first snow fall!”

You’ve seen snow fall a million times, and you driven walked and ran in said snow falls. So it shouldn't be a surprise if it’s slippery...unless you're an idiot!

I mean come on already. I could sit here and tear you all a new one but I won’t have too, you all know who you are so STOP IT ALLREADY!

Now don't get me wrong, I think most drivers are idiots when you add one of these elements

* booze (duh),
* any in climate weather (rain sleet snow etc.)
* the statement "I just got my license"
* the freeway (oh come on we're all geniuses till you put any of us on the freeway because we either turn into Dale Earnhart or were driving Miss Daisy).


But to sit and complain that the 6 car pile up was because of the first snow, in a state that is known for it's winter vacation spots that include snow and snow related activities, is just plain idiotic.